Outrage Erupts Over His Audacious Commitment to Being Male
By Buckley Faye and Betty Blowtorch, Reporting for Bohiney.com
It’s official: Women across the nation are incensed. Furious. Positively LIVID. The breaking news? JD Vance is a man. Not just any man—one who is proud of his masculinity. The horror! The gall! The absolute testosterone-laced nerve!
In an age when men are expected to be as soft-spoken as oat milk baristas and as emotionally available as a therapy dog, Vance’s insistence that masculinity should exist has rocked America to its core.
“I thought we agreed that men should be ashamed of being men,” lamented prominent gender studies professor Dr. Bindi Chokem. “What’s next? Women admitting they enjoy femininity? The whole balance of power is at stake!”
Women from all walks of life have expressed their discontent with Vance’s alarming display of traditional masculinity. Protest signs outside his Ohio office included powerful messages like “Jokes Are Not Gendered!” and “Androgyny Now, Androgyny Forever!”
But how did we get here? And why are women so enraged? More importantly—can JD Vance’s unchecked manliness be stopped before it’s too late?
The Essence of Masculinity: Joke-Telling and Other Crimes Against Modern Society
At the recent Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Vance bravely posed a question that has perplexed philosophers for centuries: “What is the essence of masculinity?” His answer? Joke-telling.
That’s right. While the rest of the world was busy solving frivolous issues like inflation and international conflict, Vance zeroed in on the real crisis facing America: a lack of properly gendered humor.
“I had no idea that my husband’s endless dad jokes were a symbol of his raw, untamed manhood,” admitted Sarah H. from Illinois. “I just thought he was deeply unfunny.”
But the science is clear. Studies show that men often bond through humor, reinforcing social ties and hierarchy. However, when JD Vance says it, it’s a crime against progress.
According to feminist activist Zoe Mews, “This is just another example of the patriarchy monopolizing humor. When men tell jokes, they’re ‘bonding,’ but when women do it, it’s ‘anxiety-induced deflection.’ Enough!”
Comedy clubs across America are now facing boycotts, with demands that all punchlines be restructured to degender humor.
Androgynous Idiots: Are We Supposed to Be Offended or Inspired?
Vance also issued a dire warning at CPAC: America is in danger of becoming a nation of “androgynous idiots.”
This shocking revelation led to immediate confusion. Were people supposed to be upset about the insult? Or were they to embrace it as a new aspirational identity?
Within minutes, the phrase trended on Twitter. Influencers in Brooklyn launched a #ProudAndrogynousIdiot campaign, which included a line of gender-neutral jumpsuits and a promise to eliminate all traditionally masculine and feminine behaviors by 2026.
“We’re working toward a world where no one has a defining characteristic,” explained lead activist Indigo Chrysanthemum. “We will exist solely as blobs of sentience.”
Yet some women are troubled by the implications of this movement. “I worked hard to look this hot,” protested influencer Tanya Luxe, gesturing toward her perfectly curated Instagram feed. “Now, I’m just supposed to throw all this effort away and look like JD Vance?!”
The JD Vance Manliness Panic: Women Share Their Horror Stories
Across the nation, women are recounting harrowing encounters with unchecked masculinity. From men holding doors open (implying female weakness!) to displays of upper-body strength (a microaggression!), these tales of male audacity have become the foundation of a new feminist movement.
- Rebecca J., 34, Brooklyn: “My boyfriend chopped wood in front of me. CHOPPED WOOD. With an AXE. I felt so unsafe. Why wasn’t he softly reading feminist poetry instead?”
- Megan S., 27, Seattle: “I caught my neighbor fixing his own car. His own car! What was wrong with just calling a professional like a civilized androgynous idiot?”
- Kara D., 42, San Francisco: “My boss made a joke about his receding hairline. The sheer masculinity of it all made me black out.”
If JD Vance has his way, these instances could become even more common. Experts warn that by 2030, the U.S. could see an 80% increase in visible masculinity, with men openly existing as men without shame or apology.
The Future of Manliness: What Happens If JD Vance Wins?
What does a world ruled by Vance’s brand of unapologetic masculinity look like?
💪 Men will stop apologizing for their deep voices.
💪 Sports will remain competitive instead of becoming “affirmation-based athletic collectives.”
💪 Women might have to admit they actually like manly men.
These outcomes are unacceptable, say feminist leaders. “We have worked too hard dismantling toxic masculinity to let a man with a beard bring it all back,” warned Gloria Blunt, author of The Androgyny Manifesto.
Additionally, there are rumors that JD Vance may be working on a book titled How to Be a Man Without Asking Permission First, a move seen as a direct attack on the growing industry of male self-loathing.
Can the Rise of Masculinity Be Stopped?
In response to the crisis, activists have launched a #StopManhood2024 campaign, demanding that men undergo Gender Compliance Therapy to recalibrate their behaviors. The program includes:
📍 Daily guided meditations on how to shrink one’s presence in a room.
📍 Mandatory vocal training to ensure all men speak at an appropriately gentle, androgynous tone.
📍 A book-burning of anything written by Hemingway.
“We need men to understand that masculinity is a social construct that should be abolished,” explained program director Avery Moss. “If they want to live in a just world, they must accept their role as quiet, apologetic contributors to our vision.”
The Final Word: JD Vance, America’s Most Problematic Man
As the nation struggles to reckon with JD Vance’s shocking insistence on being a proud man, one thing remains clear: Women will not stand for it.
“At some point, men need to ask themselves: Is it really necessary to exist like this?” asked activist Hannah Fields. “Is a joke really worth reinforcing outdated power structures? Do we really need men to be strong and capable? I say, absolutely not.”
Until JD Vance repents and embraces the gender-fluid utopia of tomorrow, the resistance will continue. Women everywhere demand one thing: Less man. More compliance.
As one anonymous protestor screamed into a megaphone outside CPAC, “IF WE CAN’T CONTROL THEM, WE MUST CANCEL THEM!”
Why Aren’t Men Posting in Support of JD Vance?
An Investigation Into the Manly Activities Keeping Them Too Busy
The outrage is deafening, the online debate is fierce, and yet… where are the men? Why are they not flooding the internet with passionate defenses of JD Vance’s masculinity crusade? Is it because they don’t care? Are they secretly ashamed of their own testosterone? Or, perhaps, is it because they’re too busy doing manly things to type up a well-crafted Facebook rant?
Here’s a look at the many time-consuming, testosterone-laden activities preventing men from posting their support:
1. Chopping Wood (For No Reason at All)
Real men don’t just buy pre-cut firewood. They head into the wilderness with an axe, lock eyes with an unsuspecting tree, and engage in an ancient, unspoken duel of strength and willpower.
Average time spent: 3-5 hours, plus an additional hour for standing shirtless and reflecting on life.
2. Fixing Something That Isn’t Even Broken
Men have an innate urge to take things apart and put them back together—just to make sure they could have fixed them if they were broken.
Common targets include:
A perfectly functional car engine A door hinge that squeaks slightly A remote control that just needed new batteries, but they took it apart anyway
Average time spent: 4 hours, not including the 2 hours spent searching for the “one screw that’s left over.”
3. Grilling Meat While Making Eye Contact With Other Men
No man can type a Twitter thread while manning the grill. The sacred process of fire-cooked meat demands his full attention.
Step 1: Stare at the flames. Step 2: Flip steak. Step 3: Nod at another man in silent respect.
Average time spent: However long it takes to achieve the perfect sear.
4. Engaging in a Pointless Physical Feat for No Reason
Men have a tendency to suddenly challenge each other to feats of strength, speed, or stamina. Examples include:
Seeing who can do the most push-ups in a row Racing to the end of the block for no reason Holding a plank for 10 minutes because another guy called them weak
Average time spent: At least 2 hours, including recovery time and rehydration via a questionable amount of beer.
5. Yelling at the TV During a Sporting Event
Men do not just watch sports. They participate spiritually, emotionally, and aggressively from the couch.
Key responsibilities include: Screaming at referees who cannot hear them Calling professional athletes “soft” while eating Doritos Standing up dramatically when things get tense
Average time spent: Entire sports season.
6. Over-Preparing for an Apocalypse That Might Not Happen
Whether it’s stockpiling survival gear, digging a bunker, or obsessively researching off-grid survival techniques, men spend countless hours preparing for disasters that may or may not occur.
Zombie apocalypse? Check. Economic collapse? Double check. Alien invasion? Just in case.
Average time spent: At least 5 hours per week, plus an additional 10 hours worrying about it.
7. Building Something Without Directions
No true man follows instructions. Whether it’s assembling furniture, building a treehouse, or constructing an entire log cabin, men will stubbornly refuse to consult the manual.
Average time spent: 10+ hours, including breaks to curse at misplaced screws.
8. Teaching Themselves a Skill They’ll Never Need
At any given moment, a man is learning how to:
Throw an axe with perfect precision Start a fire with two sticks (even though they own lighters) Speak Latin (for no reason)
Average time spent: Weeks, possibly years.
9. Moving Something Heavy Instead of Asking for Help
Men refuse to accept their physical limits. Instead of calling a friend or using a dolly, they’ll single-handedly move:
A couch A refrigerator A grand piano (injuries may occur)
Average time spent: 4 hours, plus one week of lower back pain.
10. Staring at a Car Engine While Scratching Their Head
Even if they don’t know what’s wrong, men will still open the hood and stare at an engine like they’re in a dramatic movie scene.
Phase 1: Peer into the abyss of machinery. Phase 2: Wiggle a random wire. Phase 3: Say, “Looks like it could be the alternator.”
Average time spent: Indeterminate.
11. Mentally Designing a Man Cave They’ll Never Build
Every man has a detailed plan for a dream garage, a sports-themed basement, or an off-grid cabin—even if they live in a one-bedroom apartment.
Key features include: A leather recliner A massive TV At least one taxidermy animal
Average time spent: Lifetime.
12. Trying to Break the World Record for Holding in Pain
Men will actively refuse medical care for minor to moderate injuries. Instead of typing up a Facebook defense of JD Vance, they’ll be too busy:
Walking off a sprained ankle Pouring whiskey on a cut instead of using antiseptic Saying “It’s fine” while bleeding profusely
Average time spent: However long it takes for the injury to “heal itself” (usually weeks).
13. Fixing a Leaky Faucet Using Only Duct Tape and Grit
Instead of calling a plumber, men will single-handedly attempt to fix leaks, clogs, and pipe problems—sometimes using only duct tape and blind confidence.
Success rate: 10% Flood risk: High
Average time spent: 6 hours, including cleanup.
14. Getting Lost But Refusing to Admit It
Men will always take the “shortcut” and never ask for directions.
Stage 1: Confidence Stage 2: Mild concern Stage 3: Blaming the GPS
Average time spent: Anywhere from 30 minutes to forever.
15. Talking About an Old Injury Like It Happened Yesterday
Men will retell the story of “that time they dislocated their shoulder” at every gathering, often exaggerating the details.
Actual event: Slipped on ice. Retelling version: Fought off a bear.
Average time spent: Lifetime.
Final Thoughts: Why JD Vance’s Supporters Are Silent
It’s not that men don’t support JD Vance’s fight for unapologetic masculinity—it’s that they simply do not have the time to tweet about it.
They are too busy lifting heavy things, eating meat, staring at car engines, and teaching themselves skills they’ll never use.
So, the next time someone asks, “Where are all the men defending JD Vance?” remember:
They’re probably chopping wood. They might be moving a couch solo. Or they’re just too damn busy being MEN.
Until then, don’t expect them to post. They’ve got important, rugged, manly things to do.
Why Real Men Don’t Tweet
An Investigation Into the Absence of Manly Men on Social Media
The internet is filled with outrage, yet the real men—the ones who build things, lift heavy objects, and refuse to acknowledge their injuries—are suspiciously absent from Twitter. Why?
It’s not because they don’t have opinions. It’s not because they don’t care. It’s because real men simply don’t tweet.
Here’s why:
1. Real Men Are Too Busy Actually Doing Things
Tweeting requires stopping everything to type out 280 characters of righteous indignation.
Real men don’t have time for that. They’re out fixing things, building things, and handling business. If they have something to say, they’ll say it in person. Preferably while chopping wood or holding a wrench.
2. They Don’t Need Online Validation
Men of action don’t seek the approval of strangers.
They don’t post gym selfies to prove their strength. They don’t post cryptic quotes to prove their wisdom. They just live their lives, quietly being awesome.
3. They Don’t Argue With Strangers
Real men do not waste time in Twitter debates with people named “Elliott (he/they) 🌱🐍.”
If they argue, it’s face to face, with hand gestures and deep sighs. If they debate, it’s over a beer, a steak, or while fixing a truck.
4. Typing Is Not a Manly Activity
Hunting? Manly. Fishing? Manly. Tweeting? Typing out emotions with two thumbs? Not manly.
The only acceptable time a man types is when logging work orders or researching “how to fix a thing I just broke.”
5. They Already Know They’re Right
Twitter is for people trying to prove a point. Real men already know they’re right.
They don’t need a thread explaining masculinity. They don’t need likes to confirm their opinions. They trust their gut instinct, which is usually correct.
6. They Get Their News From Experience, Not Hashtags
Men don’t need trending topics to know what’s happening. They know because:
They were outside when it happened. They talked to someone who was actually there. They read a real newspaper (maybe).
7. The Only “Threads” They Care About Are the Ones in Their Toolbox
Twitter Threads = 25 posts explaining some nonsense.
Real men’s threads? Bolts, screws, and lug nuts. The only time they check Twitter is if they’re looking for updates on a game.
8. They Don’t Waste Words on Meaningless Complaints
A real man does not whine.
If something’s broken, he fixes it. If someone’s wrong, he corrects them (in person). If he’s unhappy, he finds a solution.
No time for tweets.
9. They Don’t Virtue-Signal
Real men don’t write tweets about how much they respect women. They just do it, quietly, by being decent humans.
Example: Instead of tweeting “I support women in sports,” they’re actually coaching their daughter’s softball team.
10. Their Hands Are Full (Literally)
They’re holding tools. They’re carrying firewood. They’re driving a truck with one hand and drinking coffee with the other.
NO HANDS LEFT FOR TWEETING.
11. If They’re on a Phone, It’s for an Actual Reason
Checking the weather before heading outside. Reading a map because they refuse to use GPS. Ignoring calls from their boss on their day off.
NOT POSTING MEMES ABOUT “ALPHA ENERGY.”
12. They Already Have a Tribe
Twitter is for people seeking a sense of belonging. Real men already have a group of friends who roast them in person.
They don’t need “mutuals” when they have fishing buddies.
13. They Don’t Care About Online Clout
Twitter users: “Ratioed! Blocked! Canceled!” Real men: “What does that even mean?”
They don’t need digital status. They have real-life respect.
14. They Believe in Privacy
They don’t overshare. They don’t post where they are. They don’t announce what they’re eating.
Why? Because no one needs to know.
15. They Don’t Have Time to Be Offended
The internet is one giant outrage machine. Real men don’t have time for that nonsense.
“Some guy said something offensive? Whatever. I’ve got stuff to do.”
Final Thought: If a Man Tweets, Did He Even Really Say It?
Real men live in the real world. They express their thoughts in person, with action, not through 280-character rants.
So, the next time you wonder “Why aren’t more men posting about JD Vance?” just remember:
They’re too busy chopping wood. They’re out fixing things. They’re being men, not Twitter warriors.
No tweets. No hashtags. No nonsense. Just life.
Disclaimer:
This article was a collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No thumbs were injured due to excessive tweeting.
Women Are Pissed That JD Vance Is a Man
10 Comedian Lines About JD Vance, Masculinity, and Why Real Men Don’t Tweet
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JD Vance says the essence of masculinity is men telling jokes. So I guess my dad was an alpha male every time he asked if I was ‘working hard or hardly working?’ – Taylor Tomlinson
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Vance warns that America is turning into ‘androgynous idiots.’ Which is a bold statement coming from a guy who looks like he orders pumpkin spice lattes with oat milk. – Lauren Pattison
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Real men don’t tweet because their hands are too busy… holding onto the last shred of dignity they have left after arguing about football for three hours. – Irene Tu
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If masculinity is all about joke-telling, then Carrot Top must be the most dangerous man in America. – Rachel Sennott
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JD Vance is terrified of men losing their manhood. Meanwhile, women have been handling childbirth, taxes, and group chats since the dawn of time. But yeah, let’s worry about the rise of gender-neutral skinny jeans. – Marcella Arguello
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Masculinity is under attack? Have you met a dude with a grill? These guys will debate propane settings like it’s a Supreme Court case. – Rose Matafeo
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JD Vance says men shouldn’t suppress their masculine urges. Is that why my uncle can’t stop making a ‘that’s what she said’ joke in every conversation? – Zainab Johnson
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Real men don’t post online because they’re busy fixing their own mistakes… which is why my dad has been ‘working on the sink’ for six months. – Amy Gledhill
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Vance wants men to be manly again. Great! Can we start with getting them to stop texting ‘K’ instead of a full response? – Hannah Berner
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JD Vance says America is becoming ‘androgynous.’ Meanwhile, my boyfriend just took 17 minutes to pick a moisturizer at Sephora. – Ilana Glazer
15 Observations on JD Vance’s Masculinity Crusade
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JD Vance: Defender of Manly Men
JD Vance claims American culture aims to turn everyone into “androgynous idiots.”
Perhaps he’s worried his flannel shirts and rugged demeanor are under threat from the rise of unisex fashion.
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The Essence of Masculinity: Joke-Telling?
Vance pondered, “What is the essence of masculinity?” and concluded it’s about men telling jokes to each other.
So, the next time you hear a dad joke, remember: it’s a profound expression of manhood.
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From Hillbilly Elegy to Stand-Up Comedy
Having authored “Hillbilly Elegy,” Vance now seems poised to release “Stand-Up Comedy for Manly Men,” emphasizing that real men bond over punchlines.
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Masculinity Under Siege: The Androgyny Apocalypse
Vance warns of a culture turning everyone androgynous.
Is he suggesting a future where lumberjacks trade axes for eyeliner?
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The War on Masculine Urges
Vance believes society tells young men to “suppress every masculine urge.”
Does this mean we should encourage more spontaneous wrestling matches in boardrooms?
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Childless Cat Ladies: A National Threat?
Vance has referred to certain women as “childless cat ladies.”
Perhaps he’s concerned they’ll form a feline army to overthrow traditional family values.
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The Masculinity Manual: JD’s Guide to Manhood
With his musings on masculinity, Vance might soon publish “JD’s Guide to Manhood,” featuring chapters like “Grilling Meat: A Man’s True Calling.”
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Androgynous Idiots: The New Supervillains
In Vance’s world, the greatest threat isn’t economic instability or climate change but the rise of “androgynous idiots.”
Quick, someone alert the Avengers.
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Masculine Urges: To Suppress or Not to Suppress?
Vance’s concern over suppressed masculine urges raises questions: Should we expect more impromptu arm-wrestling competitions in Congress?
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JD Vance: The Last Bastion of Manliness
Positioning himself as the defender of traditional masculinity, Vance might soon don a cape, fighting off the evils of gender-neutral pronouns.
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The Androgyny Conspiracy
Vance’s fear of an androgynous society suggests a secret plot where men are forced to trade their power tools for makeup kits.
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Masculinity: Now Available in Punchline Form
If masculinity is all about joke-telling, as Vance suggests, perhaps comedy clubs are the new gyms for bulking up on manliness.
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JD Vance’s Stand-Up Special: “Manhood in Punchlines”
With his focus on humor as a masculine trait, Vance might soon debut a Netflix special, “Manhood in Punchlines,” where he tackles the tough issues—like why men can’t ask for directions.
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The Real Threat: Androgynous Fashion Trends
Forget global crises; Vance warns that unisex fashion is the real danger. Time to stock up on gender-specific clothing before it’s too late.
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JD Vance’s New App: “Manly Jokes Daily”
To help men everywhere embrace their masculinity, Vance might launch an app delivering daily dad jokes, ensuring the essence of manhood is just a notification away.
Satirical Commentary: Women Outraged JD Vance Is a Man
In a shocking turn of events, women across the nation have expressed collective outrage upon discovering that JD Vance identifies as a man. This revelation came to light after Vance’s recent declarations at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), where he lamented the cultural shift towards “androgynous idiots” and emphasized the importance of traditional masculinity. — huffpost.com
The Essence of Masculinity: A Joke-Telling Symposium
Vance’s profound insight into masculinity—asserting that its essence lies in men telling jokes to one another—has left many women bewildered. “I had no idea that my husband’s incessant pun-making was a testament to his manhood,” remarked Jane Doe, a self-proclaimed “childless cat lady” with a penchant for stand-up comedy. “All this time, I thought he was just avoiding doing the dishes.”
Social science research indicates that humor has long been a tool for social bonding among men. A study from the Journal of Gender Studies found that male camaraderie often centers around shared humor, reinforcing group cohesion. However, Vance’s reductionist view that joke-telling is the pinnacle of masculinity has been met with skepticism. Dr. Ima Laff, a humorologist, notes, “While humor plays a role in male bonding, it’s hardly the sole indicator of one’s manliness. If that were the case, stand-up comedians would be our leading alpha males.”
The Androgyny Apocalypse: Fear of the Unknown
Vance’s warning about a culture aiming to turn everyone into “androgynous idiots” has sparked debates nationwide. His assertion suggests a looming threat where traditional gender distinctions are blurred, leading to societal chaos. Yet, public opinion appears divided.
A recent poll by the Institute of Public Opinion found that 60% of respondents believe that embracing androgynous fashion and behaviors promotes inclusivity and self-expression. Conversely, 40% share Vance’s concern, fearing it undermines traditional values.
The post Women Are Pissed That JD Vance Is a Man appeared first on Bohiney News.
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism
— Women Are Pissed That JD Vance Is a Man
Author: Alan Nafzger
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