John Oliver Declares Himself the Sole Intellectual Authority

John Oliver Declares Himself the Sole Intellectual Authority of Facebook

John Oliver  Demands All Other Opinions Be Removed

Because if you’re not fact-checking your memes, are you even a citizen?

John Oliver Has a Dream: A Facebook Without the Unwashed Masses

John Oliver, the self-appointed Oracle of Truth and Patron Saint of Smug British Diction, has taken a stand against one of the greatest threats to democracy: Americans posting their own opinions on Facebook. In a recent segment on Last Week Tonight, Oliver laid out his vision for a utopian digital society—one where the only person allowed to share hot takes, political insights, and poorly formatted memes is John Oliver himself.

“Facebook is a cesspool of misinformation,” Oliver declared, adjusting his glasses for extra gravitas. “The only way to fix it is to delete every post that doesn’t come from an Emmy-winning satirical news host with impeccable comedic timing. Which, coincidentally, is me.”

For Oliver, the issue isn’t just that people share misleading headlines—it’s that they share anything at all. If your uncle dares to post about inflation without a deep, nuanced understanding of Keynesian economics, he’s essentially committing a war crime. But when Oliver delivers a 20-minute tirade on the same topic, complete with puppets and pie charts, it’s investigative journalism.

As Oliver sees it, democracy is a sacred institution, provided it operates under strict guidelines: Everyone gets a voice, but only if they sound like him.

The Unbearable Horror of Letting Americans Have Opinions

Oliver’s concerns about Facebook go beyond simple misinformation. It’s not just the disinformation campaigns, the Russian bots, or even the “Click ‘Like’ if you love Jesus” spam posts that keep him up at night. No, the real horror is that everyday Americans believe they have the right to express thoughts online.

“I’m sorry, but do these people even have a Peabody Award?” Oliver asked, visibly disturbed by the idea that people without broadcast deals were forming opinions of their own. “I just saw a woman named Debbie from Ohio say she thinks inflation is caused by too much government spending. Debbie, you failed algebra in high school—what are you doing here?”

The audience cackled with glee, confirming Oliver’s suspicion that anyone outside his fanbase was likely unfit for civic participation. He then proposed a bold new policy:

• Facebook’s new content moderation system should require an Oxford-educated fact-checker to approve every post.
• Users who post without citing at least three peer-reviewed sources should have their internet access revoked indefinitely.
• Anyone who uses the phrase “I did my own research” should be publicly shamed on HBO.

“We simply cannot let people continue spreading unverified opinions,” Oliver said. “That’s my job.”

The Tragedy of Grandmothers Posting Memes Without a Fact-Checking Team

Oliver spent a significant portion of his monologue lamenting the vast number of grandmothers who, completely unchecked, share content that has not been scrutinized by a newsroom of overpaid researchers.

“I recently saw a meme that said ‘Gas prices are too high because politicians are corrupt!’ And guess what? No citations. No Harvard study. Just a low-resolution JPEG stolen from an uncredited Facebook page called ‘Freedom Eagles 1776,’” Oliver ranted, shaking his head.

His solution? A rigorous application process before anyone over 50 can post on Facebook. To qualify, seniors must:

1. Prove they understand the difference between satire and reality.
2. Pass a multiple-choice exam on John Oliver’s best segments.
3. Swear a legally binding oath to never use the phrase ‘Back in my day.’

Until these guidelines are in place, Oliver suggests all elderly Facebook accounts be temporarily suspended for the safety of the digital ecosystem.

The Real Danger: Americans Who Aren’t John Oliver Using Sarcasm Online

One of Oliver’s biggest concerns is that non-professional satirists might attempt to use sarcasm, irony, or humor on Facebook without a proper HBO contract.

“Every time someone says ‘Oh sure, the government definitely knows what they’re doing’ in a sarcastic tone, how are we supposed to know if they’re joking? Are they agreeing with me? Are they against me? It’s chaos!” Oliver exclaimed, visibly distressed.

Oliver suggested that a government-run Sarcasm Verification Bureau be created to distinguish between real opinions and dangerous subversive humor. He proposed that all sarcastic posts be reviewed by a team of professional British comedians, as they are the only ones capable of handling satire responsibly.

“We need this,” Oliver insisted. “Otherwise, people will start assuming that I’m being ironic when I say that only my opinions should be allowed on Facebook. And that’s not irony. That’s just common sense.”

Facebook: A Dystopian Hellscape, Except When Promoting Last Week Tonight Clips

Despite his vocal disdain for the platform, Oliver has no problem raking in millions of views when his own content is uploaded to Facebook. He argues that while the site is an unregulated wasteland of stupidity, his show’s clips serve as an important public service.

“When Last Week Tonight goes viral on Facebook, it’s an educational tool,” Oliver explained. “But when some guy named Chad shares an article about inflation, it’s the collapse of democracy.”

When asked about this apparent contradiction, Oliver clarified: “It’s very simple. If a post gets lots of engagement and furthers my career, then it’s journalism. If it gets lots of engagement but doesn’t benefit me, it’s propaganda.”

The Oliver Doctrine: Shut Up and Let the Smart People (Him) Talk

At the heart of Oliver’s crusade against Facebook is a deeply held belief: Some voices are simply more important than others. And by “some voices,” he means his voice.

He envisions a new social media world order, where:

• Before anyone posts on Facebook, they must watch three hours of Oliver’s greatest hits and pass a written comprehension test.
• Only users who can correctly define “gerrymandering” using a British accent will be allowed to comment on political topics.
• People who have ever posted anything with the phrase “do your own research” will be required to undergo a six-month re-education program led by an elite panel of comedians and Ivy League political scientists.

Oliver insists that these measures aren’t meant to silence free speech—they’re just meant to ensure that free speech is correct.

“If we don’t do this,” Oliver warned ominously, “we’re looking at a future where any random citizen can just… post a thought. Unfiltered. Without my approval. And I think we can all agree, that’s simply too dangerous.”

A Better Future: The John Oliver Verified Network

To ensure public discourse remains intellectually rigorous, Oliver is rumored to be launching a new, exclusive social media platform called The John Oliver Verified Network (JOVN). The site will allow people to discuss news and politics only if they have proven themselves worthy by passing the Oliver Integrity Exam, a grueling 12-hour assessment covering the following topics:

• Why John Oliver Is Always Right: A History
• How to Use Smug British Diction to Win Arguments
• Why Anyone Who Disagrees with Me is a Fascist
• The Art of Fact-Checking: When to Do It, and When to Just Assume John Oliver Is Correct

“JOVN will be a safe space,” Oliver assured his audience. “A space free of misinformation, ignorance, and, most importantly, American grandmothers who don’t understand how the share button works.”

The Final Word: Bow Before Your Fact-Checked Overlord

At the end of his monologue, Oliver doubled down on his core message:

“If you want to post on Facebook, you need to be correct. And the easiest way to be correct? Just let me do all the talking.”

As the audience roared in laughter, Oliver leaned in, his eyes twinkling with the satisfaction of knowing he had once again enlightened the masses.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a 20-minute rant about the dangers of internet censorship to prepare. And yes, I see the irony. But I also see an Emmy on my shelf. So, checkmate.”

Disclaimer

This article is the result of a collaborative effort between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer, both of whom passed John Oliver’s required fact-checking exam with flying colors. No opinions were harmed in the making of this satire—except yours, if you dare to post them on Facebook.

John Oliver Thinks “Bullshit” is a Verb…

• John Oliver thinks the American public can’t be trusted with Facebook opinions, but he fully trusts HBO executives with his unchecked monologues. – Maren Eriksson
• If you post a meme, you’re an uninformed idiot. If John Oliver posts a meme, it’s called ‘a well-researched segment with visual aids.’ – Lotte Heidenreich
• Oliver believes democracy means everyone gets a voice—as long as it’s his. – Ingrid Falk
• His official position: Misinformation is dangerous, unless it’s him explaining inflation using puppets. – Helene Voigt
• Facebook should only allow posts from people with Emmy Awards and a British accent. Coincidentally, that means just John Oliver. – Greta Weissmann
• Your aunt posting about the moon landing being fake? Dangerous. John Oliver posting about the moon landing while wearing a suit? Journalism. – Freja Lindholm
• He thinks content moderation should work like an HBO subscription—pay up, and you get to speak. – Elinor Jørgensen
• Oliver wants Facebook users to undergo a fact-checking process stricter than whatever process HBO uses to greenlight his rants. – Coed Cherry
• He says Facebook lets too many uninformed people have a platform. Which is ironic, because that’s exactly how we got John Oliver. – Astrid Holgersson
• Oliver: “People on Facebook don’t research anything!” Also Oliver: “Here’s a deep dive based on a bunch of tweets I found.” – Annika Steinmann
• His new social media proposal: Only verified users can post. Verification requires three PhDs and a minor in British sarcasm. – Hannah Miller
• Facebook is a dystopian hellscape of misinformation—unless it’s playing clips from John Oliver’s show, in which case, it’s a valuable educational tool. – Sofia Rodriguez
• Your opinion on Facebook is misinformation. John Oliver’s opinion is a 20-minute HBO sermon delivered from a desk. – Savannah Lee
• His solution: Delete all opinions that don’t align with his. It’s not censorship, it’s just being correct. – Jasmine Carter
• Oliver is very concerned about misinformation, which is why his staff probably fact-checks every joke more than CNN fact-checks presidential debates. – Isabella Cruz

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