Billionaire Predicts Recession, Immediately Causes One

Markets Collapse After Billionaire Says ‘Everything Looks Bad’

Economists Call It the ‘Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of the Rich’

A Billionaire’s Words Shake the Economy

NEW YORK — In what economists are calling “the most avoidable crisis in history,” billionaire hedge fund manager Byron Laxley sent markets tumbling this week after casually predicting a recession during a CNBC interview. Within minutes, stocks plummeted, interest rates spiked, and one financial analyst was seen Googling “how to start an underground barter system.”

“I just think people should be prepared for a downturn,” said Laxley, as traders began throwing their suits into the Hudson River. “It’s just the natural cycle of the economy. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. And sometimes you say one little thing and trigger a full-scale panic.”

Wall Street Responds in the Most Irrational Way Possible

Following Laxley’s remarks, major corporations immediately began layoffs, citing “an economic downturn that hasn’t happened yet but probably will because we’re responding to it as if it already did.” Airlines raised ticket prices in anticipation of rising costs, banks restricted lending due to “uncertainty,” and toilet paper shortages returned overnight due to widespread panic buying.

Economist Daniel Greer explained the phenomenon: “When a billionaire sneezes, the market catches pneumonia. The problem isn’t that there’s a recession—it’s that they make it one by acting like it’s already happening.”

Meanwhile, Laxley remained unfazed, reportedly shifting billions into safe-haven assets, which conveniently skyrocketed in value after his interview. “This is just the way things work,” he said from his yacht, which analysts believe may now be worth more than the GDP of Iceland.

Lawmakers Call for Action, Which They Won’t Take

Congress has vowed to investigate whether billionaire-driven recessions can be prevented in the future, scheduling a hearing for “sometime after the next financial collapse.” Some lawmakers proposed stronger regulations on market manipulation, while others suggested simply giving billionaires noise-canceling microphones.

For now, everyday Americans are left to deal with the consequences, as the cost of eggs approaches that of luxury handbags. Experts recommend financial resilience, practical budgeting, and “trying not to listen to billionaires who get richer every time you panic.”

15 Humorous Observations About Billionaire-Triggered Recessions

• The economy is just a game of Jenga, and billionaires keep yanking out pieces for fun.
• The stock market reacts to billionaires the way a toddler reacts to thunder—by screaming and falling over.
• A billionaire predicts a downturn, then profits from it. That’s not forecasting—that’s time travel fraud.
• Markets collapse faster than a billionaire’s promise to “fix inequality.”
• The economy is like a cat—if it hears the word “recession,” it panics for no reason.
• Billionaires can start a recession with one tweet, but it takes us years to recover.
• A billionaire predicting a recession is like a chef predicting your meal will be terrible—after he spits in it.
• The moment billionaires say “things look rough,” the price of bread jumps to $20 a loaf.
• The stock market is just an emotional teenager reacting to whatever billionaires say.
• If billionaires bet against the economy, why do we keep letting them talk about it?
• We don’t need economists. We just need billionaires to stop talking.
• Recessions aren’t natural disasters; they’re caused by rich guys on TV.
• If your wealth depends on people panicking, maybe you shouldn’t be on the news.
• The economy is fine—until billionaires decide it isn’t.
• The stock market has the emotional stability of a reality TV contestant.

5 Comedian One-Liners on Billionaire-Driven Recessions

“A billionaire says ‘We’re heading for a recession,’ and the market crashes. That’s like someone yelling ‘fire’ in a crowded theater, then selling fire extinguishers.” – John Oliver

“I wish my words had the power to move the market. Unfortunately, they barely have the power to move my bank account.” – Seth Meyers

“The stock market is so fragile that if a billionaire coughs, the entire economy gets pneumonia.” – Trevor Noah

“If billionaires keep making money every time we panic, maybe we should stop listening to them.” – Stephen Colbert

“The economy is like an Etch-A-Sketch—one billionaire shakes it, and we have to start all over.” – Jimmy Fallon

Originally posted 2022-03-16 04:43:56.

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