Egypt’s “Thinking Outside the Pyramid” Plan to Solve Gaza Once and for All
CAIRO — In an unprecedented display of diplomatic creativity, Egypt has proposed a groundbreaking solution to ensure that nothing like October 7 ever happens again. Gone are the days of failed peace talks, international condemnations, and awkward United Nations resolutions. Egypt’s new strategy is innovative, historically inspired, and—according to sources who may or may not be real—100% foolproof.
By leveraging its 4,000 years of civilization, its mastery of persuasive sand-based architecture, and its deeply honed ability to herd tourists onto overpriced camel rides, Egypt has declared it will singlehandedly end the Israel-Palestine conflict. And the plan? A multi-pronged, outside-the-box, thinking-outside-the-sarcophagus approach that combines historical wisdom, modern geopolitical strategy, and a dash of sheer absurdity.
If the world listens, the solution to Gaza will be here by the next tourist season.
Step 1: Persuasion by Pyramids
Egypt’s first tactic is psychological warfare—but the good kind! Instead of bullets and bombs, Cairo will take Hamas leaders on a once-in-a-lifetime guided tour of the pyramids, under the assumption that standing next to 4,500-year-old stone structures will humble them into peace.
“We believe that when Hamas sees how ancient Egyptians stacked bricks in perfect alignment for eternity, they will be inspired to stack their own efforts towards stability,” said an Egyptian tour guide who typically charges Westerners $50 for a “free” history lesson.
Egyptian officials believe that after Hamas leadership learns about the years of sweat, engineering, and unpaid labor (read: slavery) required to build something truly great, they will give up launching rockets and instead dedicate themselves to more productive pursuits—perhaps pyramid-based urban development in Gaza.
A leaked internal document suggests renaming the Strip to “West Giza,” but negotiations on that remain ongoing.
Step 2: The Great Pyramid Peace Summit
All future Israel-Palestine negotiations will take place inside the Great Pyramid of Giza. The plan is simple: world leaders will enter a specially designed negotiation chamber deep inside the structure, and the doors will be locked until an agreement is reached—or until both sides admit they’re just hopelessly lost in a dark corridor.
Egyptian officials insist this strategy has precedent: no one has ever successfully navigated the tunnels of the Great Pyramid without at least some divine intervention, which is exactly what Middle Eastern peace talks need.
“This is a sacred space, free from outside distractions,” said an Egyptian diplomat, “except for the occasional bat.”
Step 3: The Suez Canal Toll Hike
Egypt recognizes that global powers tend to care more about trade routes than human suffering. Thus, an ingenious economic incentive: all ships passing through the Suez Canal will be charged a new “War Tax,” which will increase every time someone in the Middle East refuses to agree to peace.
If hostilities continue, shipping rates will skyrocket until no global superpower can afford to ignore the problem.
Exceptions to the toll will be made for ships carrying falafel, mint tea, or camels, as Egypt has deemed these non-negotiable essentials.
Step 4: Mandatory Cairo Traffic Jam Mediation
Instead of pointless, ineffective summits in Geneva or New York, all Israeli and Hamas leaders will be required to mediate their differences inside Cairo’s rush hour traffic.
This approach, known as the Cairo Jam Doctrine, will place both parties in a single taxi with no working air conditioning at precisely 4:30 PM on a Thursday. By the time they’ve spent three hours stuck in gridlock, surviving on stale peanuts and lukewarm bottled water, experts predict that they will either agree on a ceasefire—or lose the will to continue fighting altogether.
One senior Egyptian official called it “psychological exhaustion diplomacy.”
Step 5: Hamas-Pharaoh Alliance
A creative historical rebranding effort will rename Hamas as an official ancient Egyptian dynasty, the Hamasid Pharaohs, and require them to abandon armed conflict in favor of carving hieroglyphs.
Hamas leaders will be informed that, as Pharaohs, they are now personally responsible for building at least one world wonder and will have to shift their focus from missiles to megaliths.
To reinforce this plan, every member of Hamas leadership will be gifted a ceremonial crook and flail and forced to wear eyeliner as thick as King Tut’s.
Step 6: Dome of the Sandstorm Defense System
Egypt recognizes that Israel’s Iron Dome is effective but expensive. So, they have proposed an alternative: the Dome of the Sandstorm—a naturally occurring defense system designed to neutralize all hostilities through the raw power of blinding desert winds.
Egyptian meteorologists will use ancient Nubian magic (or modern climate engineering, no one’s really sure) to summon sandstorms over conflict zones, clogging up military equipment, disabling drones, and making it impossible for anyone to see what they’re shooting at.
Side effects include extreme dehydration, low visibility, and an overwhelming urge to buy protective headscarves.
Step 7: The Sphinx Staring Contest
In an age-old test of patience, Israeli and Hamas leaders will engage in a globally televised staring contest with the Sphinx.
First to blink must agree to all peace terms immediately.
Experts predict a record-breaking match, as both sides are well-versed in stubbornly refusing to back down—a skill that may finally be put to productive use.
Step 8: Pyramidal Logic Training
A 6-month required Pyramidal Logic Training Course will be implemented for all Middle Eastern leaders.
By studying the mathematical precision of the pyramids, attendees will learn that stability requires a strong foundation—which, metaphorically, means investing in infrastructure instead of explosives.
Graduates of the course will receive an honorary Master’s in Ancient Egyptian Wisdom, plus a free ticket to the Valley of the Kings—provided they swear an oath to never bomb anything ever again.
Step 9: Papyrus-Based Diplomacy
All negotiations will now be conducted exclusively on papyrus scrolls.
This will force politicians to slow down, carefully consider their words, and—most importantly—get so exhausted from hand-copying legal jargon that they’ll agree to peace out of sheer wrist fatigue.
Negotiators have already begun testing the process. So far, Hamas has written one scroll blaming Israel, Israel has written one scroll blaming Hamas, and the United Nations has drafted four scrolls suggesting that maybe everyone should just calm down.
Progress is slow, but experts say we’re getting somewhere.
Step 10: Ancient Egyptian Curse Threat
Egypt will officially declare that any continued conflict in Gaza will trigger an undiscovered Pharaoh’s Curse.
The specific details of the curse remain classified, but leaked documents suggest it may involve:
- Inescapable swarms of locusts
- Eternal plagues of overcooked rice
- The permanent cancellation of all falafel stands
Fearing supernatural repercussions, leaders are expected to take this very, very seriously.
Step 11: Nile Cruise Conflict Resolution
All future ceasefire negotiations will take place on a one-week luxury cruise down the Nile.
By the time participants have floated past Luxor, Aswan, and a few overpriced souvenir stands, they will be forced to admit that maybe war isn’t worth missing out on cocktails by the river.
Step 12: Gaza Real Estate Market Diversion
Egypt will artificially inflate Gaza’s real estate market by announcing a “newly discovered” ancient tomb underneath the city.
Overnight, the world’s richest archaeologists, influencers, and treasure hunters will flood the area, forcing militants to pivot from rocket launchers to Airbnb investments.
Step 13: The Cairo Bazaar Negotiation Strategy
All future peace talks will be conducted like Cairo market haggling:
- First offer: Absurdly extreme.
- Second offer: Insultingly low.
- Tenth offer: Somewhat reasonable.
- Final offer: Agreed upon just before someone pretends to storm out.
If it works for rug merchants, it can work for world peace.
Conclusion: The Most Foolproof Plan in History?
Egypt insists this 15-point master plan will permanently end hostilities in Gaza and finally bring peace to the Middle East.
With a mix of historical reverence, economic pressure, and extreme stubbornness, Cairo believes it has cracked the geopolitical code.
All that remains? Implementation.
And, of course, ensuring that neither side tries to claim the pyramids as their own.
Egypt’s “Thinking Outside the Pyramid” Plan for Gaza
Egypt has unveiled a revolutionary, never-before-seen strategy to ensure that nothing like October 7 ever happens again. Here are 15 bold, innovative, and completely practical elements of this master plan:
1. Persuasion by Pyramids
Egypt will take Hamas leaders on an exclusive guided tour of the pyramids, hoping they’ll realize that real power comes from stacking rocks in a structurally sound manner, not launching rockets.
2. The Great Pyramid Peace Summit
All negotiations will take place inside the Great Pyramid, with no way out until an agreement is reached—or until both sides admit they were just lost in a dark corridor.
3. Suez Canal Toll Hike
To pressure all parties into peace, Egypt will charge a “war tax” on every ship passing through the Suez Canal, except those carrying falafel, mint tea, or camels—because national priorities.
4. Mandatory Cairo Traffic Jam Mediation
Hamas and Israeli leaders will be forced to sit in Cairo’s rush hour traffic until they agree on a ceasefire. Experts predict this will take under three hours or result in permanent trauma.
5. Hamas-Pharaoh Alliance
Egypt will name Hamas an honorary ancient Egyptian dynasty and tell them they must now spend their days drawing hieroglyphics instead of planning attacks.
6. Dome of the Sandstorm Defense System
Instead of Iron Dome, Egypt proposes an advanced Sandstorm Dome—whipping up natural desert forces to neutralize hostilities and clog up military equipment (and everyone’s sinuses).
7. The Sphinx Staring Contest
A high-stakes, globally televised staring contest between Israeli and Hamas leaders in front of the Sphinx. First to blink must agree to immediate peace terms.
8. Pyramidal Logic Training
Hamas leadership will be required to take a 6-month course on the architectural genius of the pyramids. The hope? They’ll realize war is futile, and true greatness lies in getting tourists to pay $20 for a camel selfie.
9. Papyrus-Based Diplomacy
All future negotiations must be conducted exclusively on papyrus scrolls, forcing leaders to take so long writing things down that they forget what they were fighting about.
10. Ancient Egyptian Curse Threat
Egypt will declare that any further conflict will unleash the wrath of an undiscovered pharaoh’s curse. Whether real or not, no one wants to take that risk.
11. Mandatory Nile Cruise for Conflict Resolution
Israeli and Palestinian leaders must take a one-week cruise down the Nile together. By the time they reach Luxor, they’ll either be best friends or too seasick to fight.
12. Gaza Real Estate Market Diversion
Egypt will make Gaza property values skyrocket overnight by announcing the discovery of an ancient tomb. Instead of fighting, everyone will rush to open overpriced hotels.
13. The Cairo Bazaar Negotiation Strategy
Hamas and Israeli officials will have to negotiate like Cairo market vendors. First offer: absurdly high. Second offer: insultingly low. By the tenth offer, peace is achieved.
14. Mummy Mediation Council
Egypt will prop up a panel of ancient mummies to oversee peace talks. Their eerie silence will be interpreted as deep wisdom, pressuring both sides into compromise.
15. The ‘What Would Cleopatra Do?’ Approach
Egypt will ask all parties to consider: If Cleopatra could charm the Romans into submission, surely modern leaders can negotiate without missiles.
Egypt’s plan is bold, brilliant, and backed by 4,000 years of history—what could possibly go wrong?
What the Funny People Say about Egypt’s Plan…
“You know peace talks are going well when the only thing both sides can agree on is blaming the guy translating the hieroglyphs.” — Ron White
“Egypt wants to solve the conflict by locking everyone inside a pyramid. That’s not diplomacy—that’s an escape room!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Cairo traffic is so bad, Israel and Hamas might actually make peace just to get out of the taxi alive.” — Chris Rock
“Nothing says ‘serious negotiations’ like world leaders stuck in the desert arguing over who gets to keep the last bottle of sunscreen.” — Dave Chappelle
“Egypt’s solution is to rename Hamas a Pharaoh dynasty. Because nothing de-escalates conflict like forcing militants to wear eyeliner and carry golden staffs.” — Trevor Noah
“If your peace plan involves mummies overseeing negotiations, you might want to rethink your strategy—or at least bring air freshener.” — Bill Burr
“The Sphinx is just sitting there, watching history repeat itself, like: ‘Y’all still fighting? I’ve seen this episode before.’” — Kevin Hart
“Forget military force—just make every politician write their demands on papyrus. They’ll be too tired from all the calligraphy to keep fighting.” — John Mulaney
“Egypt’s plan to summon a sandstorm to stop rockets? That’s not a peace treaty—that’s a weather report!” — Wanda Sykes
“The only way Egypt’s plan will work is if they convince Hamas and Israel that ancient Pharaohs cursed them into getting along.” — Jim Gaffigan
The post Egypt’s Plan to Save Gaza appeared first on Bohiney News.
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism
— Egypt’s Plan to Save Gaza
Author: Alan Nafzger
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