Bienvenue to France: An American’s Guide to Being Perpetually Confused

“I moved to France for a better life!” That was the dream. That was the fantasy. That was the lie your friend who studied abroad in Paris fed you when they returned stateside wearing a beret and pretending they knew what “existential dread” really meant.

But reality? Reality is finding yourself standing in a French supermarket at 2:07 PM, utterly baffled by a cheese aisle that stretches into infinity, clutching a comically long baguette, and realizing that your basic human need to consume coffee is being thwarted by a nation that believes the only acceptable caffeine dose should fit inside a thimble.

Yes, you’re in France now. And nothing makes sense.

The Two-Hour Lunch Break: France’s National Sport

In America, the lunch break is a strategic mission. You have 30 minutes to shove a salad into your mouth while replying to 17 unread emails and convincing yourself that a lukewarm Diet Coke is the hydration your body needs.

In France? Lunch is a religion. And you are now a heretic.

Here, a proper lunch lasts anywhere from two hours to eternity, involves at least three courses, and—more importantly—wine. Because nothing says “productivity” like stumbling back to work at 3 PM, full of cheese and slightly tipsy.

“I once tried to grab a sandwich and eat at my desk,” says Brad, a recent American expat. “My French coworkers stared at me like I had just announced I eat puppies for breakfast.”

The Metric System: France’s Revenge for the Louisiana Purchase

Nothing makes an American question their own intelligence like encountering the metric system.

You were raised on miles, pounds, and Fahrenheit—a proud, arbitrary system that makes no sense but is yours.

Now, suddenly, you’re expected to know how far 5 kilometers is? To convert 25 degrees Celsius into something that doesn’t sound like an Antarctic blizzard? Impossible.

One American described their struggle: “I ordered a steak thinking 200 grams was small. Turns out, I basically ordered a meatloaf. I had to nap for an hour just to recover.”

The Cheese Aisle That Has No End

In the U.S., the cheese section of a grocery store is simple: American cheese, cheddar, and maybe a rogue brie for the adventurous.

In France, cheese is an ecosystem. It has a governing body. It has laws. It has varieties that require paperwork to purchase.

There are more than 1,000 types of cheese in France, and somehow, all of them smell like they’ve been fermenting in a pirate ship’s cargo hold since 1683.

One confused American wrote: “I asked a store clerk which cheese pairs well with crackers. He gasped, clutched his chest, and called for a manager.”

The ‘Bonjour’ Marathon: Social Anxiety in Real Time

In America, entering a store requires no conversation. You walk in, you exist, you leave.

In France? Every human interaction is a test.

Step into a bakery without saying “Bonjour”? Congratulations, you have been socially excommunicated. You are now beneath notice.

Expats report the crushing pressure of always greeting people.

“By the time I finished saying ‘bonjour’ to every employee, I forgot what I came in for. I left with three croissants and an existential crisis.”

The National Pastime of Striking

Americans work until they physically collapse. The French? They strike until they get a 5% discount on espresso.

There is no such thing as “business as usual” in France. It’s business as usual, unless there’s a strike. Which there always is.

One American expressed frustration: “I had a doctor’s appointment, but it was canceled due to a strike. The next available one was in six months. By then, I had self-diagnosed and accepted my fate.”

The Baguette Obsession: Are They Part of the National Uniform?

Nowhere in the world is bread treated with such holy reverence as in France.

It’s everywhere. Men carry it under their arms like swords. Women cradle it like newborns. Toddlers gnaw on it like teething toys.

One American confessed: “I bought a baguette just to fit in. I didn’t even want it. I just panicked.”

The Return of Public Smoking (And Judging You for Not Smoking)

France operates under the rule: “Smoking is bad for you, but looking cool is more important.”

In the U.S., you light a cigarette, and a concerned citizen calls the CDC. In France? Your doctor probably smokes.

One American recounted: “A guy lit a cigarette inside a café. The waiter asked if he wanted an ashtray or another cigarette.”

The Unwritten Law of Always Dressing Better Than You

If you go outside in sweatpants in America, nobody cares. In France? You just committed a fashion crime.

French people don’t casually look good—they look like they were just photographed for Vogue.

One American lamented: “I wore a hoodie to the bakery. The cashier gave me a look like I had failed the entire concept of civilization.”

The Sunday Shutdown Shock

Americans believe in 24/7 capitalism.

France believes in rest.

Try to go shopping on a Sunday, and you’ll find the streets eerily empty—like a scene from a zombie movie, except the zombies are just relaxing at home with wine.

One confused American asked a local: “Where is everyone?” The local shrugged. “Enjoying life.”

Espresso: The Least Satisfying Coffee Experience Ever

Americans drink coffee by the gallon. The French? They believe coffee should be an experience, not a beverage.

One unsuspecting American received an espresso and wept: “I ordered a coffee. This is an eyedropper of caffeine.”

The No-Tipping Culture: A Gift and a Curse

America’s tipping system is a mess. France’s system? You don’t tip. Ever.

Americans experience deep confusion, tipping out of habit and receiving confused stares.

One American shared their horror: “I tried to tip a bartender. He looked personally offended. I think I accidentally proposed to him.”

The Language Landmine of ‘Vous’ vs. ‘Tu’

In America, you call people “dude.” In France? The wrong pronoun can ruin your social standing forever.

Accidentally say “tu” instead of “vous” to the wrong person? You’ve just committed a linguistic crime.

One American reported: “I said ‘tu’ to my boss. Now I think I’ve been demoted. Or fired. I don’t even know.”

The Elevator Etiquette of Doom

In America, elevators are silent zones. In France? Every shared space requires social engagement.

One American made the mistake of entering an elevator without greeting anyone. “By the third floor, everyone was looking at me like I had personally insulted their ancestors.”

French Healthcare: The One Thing That Will Ruin You for America

You don’t appreciate free healthcare until you experience it.

An American shared: “I saw a doctor, got medication, and didn’t have to sell my car to afford it. I cried.”

Work-Life Balance: The Thing Americans Fear Most

Imagine a world where work emails are ignored after 6 PM. Where vacations are mandatory.

One American confessed: “I saw my French coworker decline a call after work. Like… just ignored it. I felt my soul leave my body.”

Final Thoughts: Welcome to Your Confused New Life

France is beautiful. It’s charming. It’s sophisticated.

And it will make absolutely no sense to you.

But maybe—just maybe—that’s the point.

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of this satire—though an American in France probably was.

15 Observations on Americans Experiencing Culture Shock in France

1. The Art of the Prolonged Lunch Break

Observation: Americans, accustomed to quick 30-minute lunches at their desks, are baffled by the French two-hour lunch breaks, complete with wine and a nap.​

Evidence: A survey revealed that 75% of French workers take at least a 90-minute lunch break, while 60% of American workers eat at their desks.​

2. The Metric System Maze

Observation: Trying to convert kilometers to miles and Celsius to Fahrenheit leaves Americans feeling like they’re back in high school math class.​

Evidence: A Reddit user humorously noted, “I still don’t completely understand °C! The temperature on my weather app is still set to °F.” ​baguettesandbicyclettes.com

3. The Cheese Aisle Conundrum

Observation: The sheer variety of cheeses in French supermarkets makes Americans wonder if they’ve stepped into a dairy-themed amusement park.​baguettesandbicyclettes.com

Evidence: French supermarkets often dedicate entire aisles to cheese, offering hundreds of varieties, from Brie to Roquefort.​

4. The “Bonjour” Marathon

Observation: The necessity of saying “Bonjour” to every individual upon entering a room feels like a never-ending greeting relay.​reddit.com

Evidence: In French culture, it’s customary to greet each person individually, a practice that can be exhausting for unprepared Americans.​reddit.com

5. The Strike Surprise

Observation: Frequent strikes leave Americans puzzled, wondering if anyone actually works in France or if striking is the national pastime.​

Evidence: France is known for its striking culture, with various sectors participating in strikes multiple times a year.​

6. The Baguette Obsession

Observation: Witnessing French citizens carry baguettes everywhere, Americans ponder if the bread is a fashion accessory.​news.com.au

Evidence: The average French person consumes approximately 120 grams of bread daily, often in the form of a baguette.​

7. The Smoking Spectacle

Observation: The prevalence of smoking in public places makes Americans feel like they’ve traveled back to the 1950s.​

Evidence: Despite global declines, smoking remains relatively common in France, with outdoor café terraces often filled with smokers.​

8. The Fashion Forward Frenzy

Observation: Feeling underdressed in casual attire, Americans quickly learn that even a trip to the bakery requires a fashion statement.​

Evidence: French culture places a high value on personal appearance, with many dressing stylishly for daily errands.​

9. The Sunday Shutdown Shock

Observation: Discovering that most shops are closed on Sundays leaves Americans questioning how to survive without 24/7 convenience.​

Evidence: French labor laws often mandate Sunday closures for many businesses, emphasizing work-life balance.​reddit.com

10. The Coffee Cup Confusion

Observation: Receiving an espresso shot instead of a large coffee makes Americans wonder if they’ve been pranked.​

Evidence: French coffee culture favors small, strong espresso shots over the larger coffee servings common in the U.S.​

11. The Tipping Turmoil

Observation: The lack of tipping in France leaves Americans feeling both relieved and guilty, unsure of how to show appreciation.​

Evidence: In France, service charges are included in bills, and tipping is optional, contrasting with the mandatory tipping culture in the U.S.​

12. The Language Faux Pas

Observation: Accidentally using informal language with strangers results in awkward stares, teaching Americans the importance of “vous” vs. “tu.”​

Evidence: The French language distinguishes between formal and informal pronouns, and using the wrong one can be considered impolite.​

13. The Elevator Etiquette Enigma

Observation: Realizing that not greeting fellow elevator passengers is seen as rude, Americans adapt to new social norms.​

Evidence: In France, it’s customary to say “Bonjour” upon entering shared spaces like elevators, reflecting the importance of politeness.​

14. The Healthcare Happiness

Observation: Experiencing affordable healthcare for the first time feels like finding the Holy Grail.​

Evidence: France’s healthcare system is ranked among the best globally, offering high-quality care at a fraction of U.S. costs.​

15. The Work-Life Balance Revelation

Observation: Discovering that work emails are ignored after hours leads Americans to question their life choices.​

Evidence: France’s “right to disconnect” law allows employees to ignore work communications outside of working hours, promoting a healthier work-life balance. ​theguardian.com