Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation

In the hallowed halls of Columbia University, where ivy clings to the walls as tenaciously as students cling to their coffee cups during finals, a new question has emerged: Who’s really in charge here? Is it the esteemed faculty, the diligent administrators, or, as some satirical reports suggest, organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah? Let’s embark on a tongue-in-cheek journey to unravel this academic enigma.

The Campus Takeover: From Lectures to Levant

Once upon a time, Columbia was renowned for its rigorous academics and vibrant student life. But according to our satirical sources, things took a turn when international organizations decided that influencing Middle Eastern politics wasn’t enough—they needed to weigh in on Ivy League curricula.

Expert Opinions from the Middle East

Dr. Ima Jokester, a fictional expert from the Institute of Satirical Studies, notes, “It’s only logical. After years of geopolitical strategizing, the next step for any organization is obviously to delve into university governance. Where else can you find such heated debates and passionate disagreements?”

The Great Distraction: Trading Conflict for Campus Policies

In a surprising twist, these organizations have allegedly become so engrossed in shaping Columbia’s policies that they’ve momentarily paused their other activities. Our satirical investigation reveals that drafting university bylaws and attending faculty meetings have taken precedence over their usual agendas.

Changes Within the Organizations: MTGA (Make Terrorism Great Again)

In response to their newfound academic interests, there’s talk of rebranding efforts. The proposed MTGA movement aims to shift focus from international conflicts to more pressing issues like tenure disputes and cafeteria food quality. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton; let’s see if it pays off.

Columbia’s Return to Academia: A Glimmer of Hope

With these organizations knee-deep in academic bureaucracy, Columbia might just have the chance to return to its roots as a place of learning and intellectual exploration. Students can look forward to a campus where the most heated debates are over which library is the best study spot.

Student Reactions: A Mixed Bag

Freshman Jane Doe comments, “It’s refreshing! Now, instead of dodging protests, I can focus on dodging my responsibilities like a normal student.”

Conclusion: A New Era for Columbia?

As we conclude this satirical exposé, one thing is clear: the landscape of university governance is as unpredictable as ever. Whether or not these organizations truly have a say in Columbia’s affairs is up for debate, but the mere notion provides ample fodder for campus comedians and satirists alike.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and in no way reflects the actual governance or affiliations of Columbia University. Any resemblance to real persons or entities is purely coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen!

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I heard Hamas and Hezbollah took over Columbia—finally, some structure in the Philosophy Department!”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Columbia students are confused. They thought ‘guerrilla warfare’ was a new improv troupe.”
— Ron White

“Apparently, Hezbollah wrote the new Diversity Statement. It begins, ‘Death to midterm grading curves.’”
— Amy Schumer

“Hamas said they’re not anti-Semitic. They just hate overpriced textbooks and Zionist bagels.”
— Larry David

“Campus police said the new threat level is ‘mildly offended but well-organized.’”
— Sarah Silverman

“MTGA? Make Terrorism Great Again? Great—just what we need, another hat-based movement with delusions of grandeur.”
— Chris Rock

“Columbia’s student body now identifies as ‘militantly undecided.’”
— Tina Fey

“The terrorists promised not to bomb midterms… but only if they’re open book.”
— Billy Crystal

“Columbia used to be a university. Now it’s the U.N. with dorm rooms and tuition debt.”
— Jon Stewart

“First they came for the vending machines. Then they came for the Board of Trustees.”
— Dave Chappelle

“Even Hezbollah was like, ‘We were gonna destabilize the region, but that Gender Studies final was a real bitch.’”
— Roseanne Barr

“I don’t know who’s running Columbia anymore—could be Hamas, could be the Sociology Department. Either way, someone’s getting tenure they didn’t earn.”
— Bill Burr