Biden’s AI Autobiography: The First Memoir Written from a Desktop in Delaware

I, Joe: Joe Biden’s AI-Penned Memoir and Other Tales from the Basement

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning fusion of man, machine, and nostalgia for train stations that may never have existed, President Joe Biden has “written” his new autobiography using ChatGPT. The memoir, “I, Joe: A Life Whispered,” promises to be the first major literary work co-authored by artificial intelligence and someone who still refers to a microwave as “that hot box.”

White House officials say the decision was prompted by Biden’s ongoing commitment to “tech innovation,” his desire to “connect with young voters,” and because, in his words, “writing is hard, Jack.”

Insiders say the president originally tried to dictate the entire book into Siri but was frustrated when his iPhone kept responding, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” The breakthrough came when First Lady Dr. Jill Biden introduced the president to ChatGPT, saying, “Joe, it’s like having an intern who never questions your stories about corn-based gangs.”

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ChatGPT’s Biden Training Module: “Malarkey Mode Enabled”

Before it could emulate Biden’s unique style—a cocktail of 1940s wisdom, 1980s slang, and 2020s gibberish—OpenAI engineers reportedly created a specialized Biden-language model. Codenamed “DelawareDrift-GPT,” the AI was trained on:

• 40 years of C-SPAN clips

• 12,000 hours of unscripted Amtrak anecdotes

• Audio from Biden whispering into hot mics

• The entire box set of Matlock

The result? A robotic narrator that ends every sentence with, “No joke, folks,” followed by an unrelated childhood story.

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The Writing Process: From Basement to Bestseller

The White House claims Biden worked “closely” with ChatGPT in the evenings, but leaked screenshots reveal entire pages typed during what appears to be a nap. One draft included this gem:

“In 1962, I stared into a toaster and knew then I’d be President someday. The toast was burnt. But destiny, like rye bread, rises.”

AI researchers flagged the prose as “deeply metaphorical” or “deeply confusing.” Political linguist Dr. Sandra Hedges at the University of Ohio stated: “The sentence structure suggests a blend of biblical prophecy and a man who once ate glue in high school.”

Still, the prose passed editorial standards at Penguin Random House, where one editor confessed, “We published Prince Harry’s frostbitten penis story. Our standards have changed.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Joe Biden using ChatGPT is like your grandpa accidentally marrying a toaster while trying to buy stamps.” — Ron White
“So let me get this straight… Biden wrote a book with a robot, but can’t remember where he put his pants? That’s leadership!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s kind of sweet. An old man and a talking box, solving American history together—like The Notebook meets Black Mirror.” — Amy Schumer
“Chapter Four is just the sound of Joe trying to log in.” — Sarah Silverman
“If Biden used AI to write his memoir, does that make Kamala the editor or the spellcheck?” — Chris Rock

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Chapter Highlights: AI-Assisted Nostalgia

Chapter 1: “I Remember Lunch (Sometimes)”
This opening chapter begins with Biden recalling his first peanut butter sandwich and then digresses into an imagined conversation with Abraham Lincoln. ChatGPT later apologized for the hallucination, stating, “We assumed the president had time-traveled again.”

Chapter 6: “CornPop: A Hero, A Legend, A Water Park Menace”
A powerful section that uses AI-enhanced police reports to reframe CornPop as a misunderstood urban vigilante who taught young Joe about justice and chlorine.

Chapter 11: “Me and Obama: A Bromance in 108 Executive Orders”
AI-generated dialogue includes such gems as:

OBAMA: “Joe, you’re like a brother.”
BIDEN: “Thanks, Barry. Want a Werther’s?”

Chapter 14: “I Whisper Because I Care”
A meditative reflection on why Biden leans into the mic to whisper national security updates like a bedtime story. ChatGPT’s analysis compares it to “soft jazz diplomacy.”

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Academic Endorsements: The Experts We Invented

Dr. Toby Mancuso, professor of Autobiographical Robotics at Stanford*, says this is “a groundbreaking hybrid of oral history and digital ghostwriting.”

*Asterisk necessary: Stanford does not have a department of Autobiographical Robotics, but Toby claims he taught there once during a TEDx Zoom miscommunication.

Meanwhile, a Pew Research poll of 1,104 elderly mall-walkers showed 74% believed the memoir was “probably real” and 22% believed the book was “written by Joe Rogan,” suggesting the information ecosystem is working perfectly.

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The Hunter Biden Section: Censored by AI, Rewritten by Dog

Originally, ChatGPT refused to write about Hunter Biden, citing “ethics, reputation risk, and unresolved laptop trauma.” Instead, the final text appears to have been written by the family’s German Shepherd, Commander.

Chapter 17, “Woof Bark Woof Ukraine Bark,” contains 3,000 words of canine typing followed by a note from Dr. Jill Biden: “We regret the confusion. The president’s memoir is a living document, like the Constitution or leftover stew.”

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Reviews from Across the Aisle

Tucker Carlson called the memoir, “a chatbot’s fever dream of socialism and synthetic ice cream.”
AOC said, “It’s poetic, coded, and smells like legacy. Or hair.”
Trump, in a TruthSocial post, wrote:

“Biden’s memoir is FAKE. I write my own books with gold Sharpie and pure testosterone. AI stands for ‘Absolutely Irrelevant!’”

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Helpful Content for Confused Voters

How to Tell If Your Politician Is Using AI to Write Books:

• Sentences repeat like a Spotify loop.

• Random chapters on “quantum pudding” or “teleprompter justice.”

• Dedication page includes a URL and a CAPTCHA.

• The audiobook is narrated by Siri, then Alexa, then your neighbor’s Roomba.

How to Use ChatGPT to Write Your Own Political Memoir (Like Joe Biden):

1. Begin every story with “I remember when…”

2. Name-drop a dead relative, preferably one who drove a Pontiac.

3. End every sentence with “And that’s no malarkey.”

4. Ask ChatGPT to “make it sound presidential but confused.”

5. Let your dog type 10% of the manuscript for authenticity.

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Cause and Effect: Did AI Actually Change Biden?

Psycholinguists now say Biden’s daily use of ChatGPT may have altered his speech patterns. In his most recent address, he referred to Congress as “a dynamic table of contents,” and paused mid-sentence to ask, “Can someone reboot Kamala?”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre clarified, “The president is experimenting with metaphor. And firmware.”

In a joint press briefing, OpenAI and the NSA warned, “It is unclear whether the AI is writing for the president or the president is now a minor character in the AI’s political novel.”

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Behind the Scenes: Secret AI Features Only Biden Used

BidenGPT includes:

• “Waffle House Wisdom” Mode

• “Delaware Sentiment Optimizer”

• “Obama Reference AutoInsert”

• “Plagiarism Cleaner” (Premium)

• “Hunter Content Blur Filter”

• “Smell-o-Vision” for tactile storytelling

• “Staircase Mode” to help AI simulate falling up them

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Conclusion: The Legacy of “I, Joe”

Whether written by Biden, ChatGPT, Commander the dog, or a collection of half-burned Amtrak tickets, “I, Joe” is now the most quoted, least understood presidential memoir since Calvin Coolidge’s grocery lists.

It’s an experiment in memory, technology, and what happens when an 81-year-old meets a chatbot and mistakes it for his nephew.

Some say it’s a triumph of modern authorship. Others say it’s “worrying.” Most just say, “Can I get the audiobook narrated by Morgan Freeman again but with more energy?”

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. Neither of us used ChatGPT to write our autobiographies, but one of us once fed our tractor a floppy disk just to see what would happen. The president may have used AI to write his memoir, but rest assured: no bots were harmed in the making of this satire—only reputations, and maybe one typewriter.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Sample of the AI Writting in Joe Biden’s Autobiography

Chapter 2: “The Ice Cream Was Vanilla, But So Was Destiny”

“When I was born, the doctor held me up and said, ‘This baby is optimized for leadership and empathy protocols.’ I do not remember this directly, but the statistics of birth trauma suggest it happened. Growing up in Scranton, I experienced many human feelings. Sometimes we played hopscotch. Other times we engaged in sibling rivalry simulations. But always, I knew my moral compass was stronger than regional weather patterns. And that’s why I ate my first cone of vanilla ice cream—because choice is democracy, and dairy is destiny. My political journey began that day, somewhere between two licks and a brain freeze.”

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Chapter 5: “My First Job and the Introduction of Gravity”

“It was the summer of 1962, and I had just acquired employment via handshake agreement and verbal confirmation. I was assigned the title of ‘pool safety enforcement associate’—a role that involved moisture, conflict resolution, and territorial dispute mediation among aquatic-based adolescents. I remember one individual, identified via nickname as ‘CornPop,’ who appeared to challenge the hierarchy. I approached this scenario with calculated empathy and used a metal chain to engage in a de-escalation technique now taught in ethics courses across Delaware. It was then I discovered leadership is like physics: it always falls back on you, unless you learn to float with the people.”

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Chapter 9: “Barack and I Form a Binary Code of Friendship”

“Meeting Barack Obama was a convergence of trust, values, and the timely downloading of hope. We formed an executable alliance based on protocols of decency and bipartisan hand gestures. I told him, ‘Mr. President, you have a good heart and I have a good memory for names sometimes.’ He laughed in 5.1 surround sound. Over time, our bond developed subroutines of mutual respect, digital resilience, and handshake synchronization. Serving as his Vice President felt like being the RAM to his CPU. If you removed me from the motherboard of democracy, the whole thing might slow down, or at least lose Wi-Fi.”

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Chapter 13: “Amtrak, My Real Childhood Home”

“I have traveled 1.5 million Amtrak miles, which is the same distance between Scranton and the moon if you go the scenic route. Each train car was a vessel of reflection, and the seats remembered me like family furniture. Sometimes I would sit backwards, just to contemplate history. Conductors became my confidants. One man named Sal once told me that leadership is like riding coach: uncomfortable, but you’re still going forward unless you miss the stop. I never missed the stop. Not even metaphorically. Trains made me who I am—part steam, part schedule, all heart.”

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Chapter 17: “What I Whispered into the Universe”

“Whispering is the most effective form of volume-adjusted sincerity. I discovered this during a policy speech when the microphone became too close, and I said softly, ‘Here’s the deal, folks,’ and the room paused as if democracy itself were leaning in. From that moment on, I adopted whispering as my preferred mode of truth delivery. Whether it’s a budget proposal, a bedtime story, or a nuclear launch code suggestion, the whisper makes it presidential. It says: ‘I’m serious, but also possibly napping.’ In a loud world, leadership requires hush-mode activation. That is what I offer.”