Global Citizen NOW Summit: Glamor, Guilt, and Very Ethical Hors D’oeuvres

NEW YORK CITY — April 2025 — What do Bill Nye, Sarah Ferguson, Laverne Cox, and 200 sustainably-sourced lanyards have in common? They’ve all gathered for the Global Citizen NOW Summit — the annual gathering of activists, actors, aristocrats, and CEOs who want to save the world without wrinkling their linen suits.

As always, Bohiney.com was not invited, but we loitered near the climate-neutral catering long enough to bring you a full satirical report from the frontlines of inspirational networking disguised as global change.

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Welcome to Davos for People Who Compost

Held at a Midtown hotel with more up-lighting than a Coldplay concert, the summit boasted:

• 7 panels on equity

• 6 workshops on water access

• 3 motivational poems read from iPads

• 1 confused British royal trying to hug a QR code

Attendees sipped oat milk cortados while applauding speeches about food insecurity, then discreetly debated whether foie gras is still “problematic if it’s artisanal.”

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The Dress Code Was “Ethically Empowered Chic”

There were no suits, only message tees:

• “Ask Me About My Carbon Footprint”

• “Decolonize This Blazer”

• “Land Back but Make It Fashion”

One speaker wore a pin that said, “My Outfit Offsets Itself.” When asked what that meant, she replied, “It’s a feeling.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“This is the only conference where you can attend a lecture on wealth inequality while sitting next to a crypto billionaire on a yoga ball.”
— Sarah Silverman, ducking behind an indoor bamboo forest

“Global Citizen NOW? I didn’t even RSVP to Planet Earth YESTERDAY.”
— Ron White, sipping kombucha through a metal straw he stole from Whole Foods

“They’re solving climate change one TED Talk and five cocktail shrimp at a time.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, holding a branded canvas tote full of irony

“I trust these people to fix the world about as much as I trust my ex to fix a toilet.”
— Wanda Sykes, side-eying a panel on corporate empathy

“They held a panel on sustainability in a ballroom with three chandeliers and a fog machine.”
— Larry David, coughing gently into a compostable napkin

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Meanwhile, Outside…

Protesters gathered chanting:

“No justice, no jet fuel!”

One held a sign reading “Zoom It Next Time.”
Another wore a Guy Fawkes mask made entirely of upcycled kale.

Security handed out reusable protester wrangling guides printed on “non-patriarchal hemp.” The summit later issued a statement saying they “acknowledge and appreciate the performative tension.”

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Big Ideas, Small Appetizers

Among the big themes:

• Water Access Is A Human Right (followed by a bottled water tasting from all 7 continents)

• Digital Equity for All (Wi-Fi passcode: “NOWchange$2025”)

• Dismantling Colonial Structures (served with mini chicken tikka tacos and tiny flags)

There was even a breakout session titled “Reparations and Ramen: Nourishing Justice in a Globalized Palate.”

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Featured Speakers Included:

• A former child actor turned food justice whisperer

• A reformed hedge fund manager now “channeling his guilt into hydroponic lettuce”

• An AI ethicist who admitted their talk was written by ChatGPT

• A 15-year-old Swedish climate activist who addressed the crowd via hologram from a canoe

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The Swag Bag Was 43% Irony

Contents included:

• A recycled notebook made from protest flyers

• A bamboo flash drive with a single JPEG of Greta Thunberg’s eyebrows

• A coupon for “One Free Apology from a Fortune 500 CEO”

• A “Global Citizen” hat made in a factory the summit politely didn’t mention

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Tech Panel or Group Therapy?

The panel titled “Code, Consciousness & Capital” featured three tech CEOs crying about burnout, one TikTok influencer live-streaming their skincare routine, and a moderator who described empathy as “the original blockchain.”

The audience applauded after someone shouted,

“Data ethics begins with journaling!”

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Is This the Future of Change?

Maybe. Or maybe it’s just a really well-catered group hug.

Either way, they’re trying — and that’s worth something, even if the summit’s carbon offset budget is higher than the GDP of Latvia.

So yes, some panels were hollow. Yes, some swag was ironic. But for one glorious weekend, the powerful gathered and agreed on at least three hashtags.

Auf Wiedersehen, cynicism. There’s a conference for that too.

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Global Citizen NOW Summit Observations…

1. This is the only event where someone can say “late-stage capitalism” while wearing $700 ethically-sourced hemp sneakers.

2. One speaker introduced herself as a “climate influencer, water empath, and full-time disruptor of colonial table manners.”

3. The summit’s carbon footprint was so large it qualified for its own seat at the keynote.

4. There was an actual workshop titled “Mindful Manifestation Through Macroeconomic Policy,” co-led by a yoga teacher and a tax lobbyist.

5. Instead of plastic badges, attendees wore biodegradable QR tattoos that led directly to their TEDx talks.

6. Every panel began with a land acknowledgment, three disclaimers, and a collective breath in the direction of the nearest plant.

7. A billionaire in a linen hoodie talked about wealth inequality — then left early in a solar-powered yacht Ubered to the Hudson.

8. One breakout session discussed ending world hunger while serving $14 micro-farmed cashew cheese on upcycled crackers.

9. An AI ethics panel was briefly interrupted when the keynote speaker’s hologram updated itself mid-sentence and quit out of protest.

10. Swag bags included a reusable bamboo fork, three Instagram filters, and a coupon to apologize to the Global South.

11. The Wi-Fi password was “deconstructTheSystem” but half the attendees forgot and had to ask their assistants.

12. A sustainability panel was nearly canceled due to “emissions from excessive applause.”

13. One moderator defined “empathy capitalism” as “Caring while monetizing the vibe.”

14. The summit DJ played only atmospheric protest soundscapes and remixed Greta Thunberg speeches over lo-fi beats.

15. Someone tried to propose via ethically-mined engagement ring during a session on reparations, and got tackled by a UN intern with a clipboard.

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