He Is Risen — If Jesus Rose this Morning…

JERUSALEM, EARTH — April 2025 | Reported by Bohiney.com’s resurrection correspondent and a cowboy who once found salvation in a Waffle House.

What Would Happen If Jesus Rose this Morning… rather than 2000 years ago… 

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Breaking: Jesus Christ Leaves Tomb, Immediately Asked to Speak on a Panel

Early this morning, sources confirm that Jesus of Nazareth rose from the dead, fulfilling centuries of prophecy, blowing up every group chat in Judea, and causing at least three wellness influencers to faint into their beet smoothies.

But while his followers celebrated, modern onlookers had questions:

“Okay but… is he vaccinated?”
“Does he have an Etsy?”
“Is this a soft launch or a full Second Coming?”

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The Tomb Was Empty, But the Hashtags Were Full

Moments after the resurrection, social media exploded.

• #HeIsRisen trended globally

• “Empty Tomb Challenge” launched on TikTok

• A Jerusalem bakery released Resur-dough-nuts shaped like stone wheels

• Taylor Swift liked a post and unfollowed Herod

Within 14 minutes, Jesus had 2.3 million Instagram followers, though critics noted his bio still just says “Carpenter | Son | You’ll See.”

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Brunch Reservations Canceled: “He’s Risen, But He’s Busy”

Despite invitations from several megachurches, progressive synagogues, and a speaking slot at Coachella, Jesus declined all brunch invitations, citing exhaustion, unfinished prophecy, and “absolutely no interest in debating gluten.”

One statement from his camp read:

“He appreciates the mimosa offer, but he’s more of a water-to-wine guy.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “He rolled away a boulder, but can’t return a group text? Sounds like my cousin Randy.”

Ali Wong: “If I die and come back, the last thing I’m doing is forgiving people. I’m collecting receipts.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “So Jesus rises from the dead, and people immediately ask: ‘What does this mean for the crypto market?’”

Tom Segura: “If I came back from the dead and saw what we’ve done to denim, I’d go back in.”

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Resurrection Logistics: Brought to You by Divine Timing and a Very Confused Roman Guard

The actual mechanics of the resurrection are still under investigation, but early reports suggest:

• No alarm was set

• The tomb smelled like sandalwood and second chances

• An angel served as PR manager and gatekeeper

Pontius Pilate has issued a statement reading, “Well this is awkward.”

The Roman centurion on duty has fled, citing “medical confusion and a sudden crisis of empire.”

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He Is Risen… and Has Questions

Insiders claim Jesus emerged from the tomb asking:

• “Why is there a 24-hour news cycle?”

• “Why are there ten new religions and four Jesus-based NFTs?”

• “Why does everyone yell at each other in 280 characters or less?”

He also allegedly asked Siri, “What happened to the meek?”

Siri replied, “They were bought out by Instagram fitness influencers.”

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Final Thoughts: Resurrection Is a Vibe, Not a Marketing Strategy

While church leaders race to update their branding kits and add “Risen 2.0” to their bulletins, theologians caution against turning the resurrection into a Netflix true crime doc.

“He came back for your soul, not your email list,” said one cranky seminary professor.

Meanwhile, Jesus is reportedly walking the earth again, declining interviews, healing quietly, and refusing to engage with anyone who uses the phrase “love and light” unironically.

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Sources for “He Is Risen”

• Scrolls Weekly: “Resurrection Confirmed, But Papyrus Shortage Delays Official Documentation”

• The Galilee Gazette: “Local Fisherman Reports Seeing Glowing Figure, Immediately Drafts Gospel Deal”

• The Roman Times: “Guards Deny Napping at Tomb, Blame ‘Spiritual Exhaustion’ and Unlabeled Incense”

• Cloud 9 News Network (C9NN): “Archangel Gabriel Confirms Second Coming, Demands Better Lighting This Time”

• The Vatican Post-it: “Pope Delays Statement Until After Lunch, Still Unsure if It’s the Same Jesus”

• The Disciples’ Digest: “Thomas Issues Formal Statement: ‘Still Gonna Need to See the Hands, Bro’”

• NBC’s Meet the Messiah: “Exclusive: Jesus Declines Interview, Says ‘I’ll Be Back When You’re Ready to Listen’”

• TMZion: “Mary Magdalene Seen Weeping Outside Tomb — Is It Joy, Grief, or Just Pollen?”

• Pharisee Forum: “BREAKING: Resurrection Possibly Funded by Crowdsourced Miracles. Audit Pending.”

• Holy Ghostwire Tap: “Insider Leak: Heaven’s Command Center Experienced Brief Technical Glitch — Michael Blames Mercury in Retrograde”

• Jerusalem Business Journal: “Resurrection Sparks Rock-Rolling Startup Boom”

• The Messiah Minute: “Jesus to Appear at Burning Bush Music Festival — One Day, One Stage, One Loaf”

• GodTok Trends Report: “#HeIsRisen Surpasses #KetoJesus as Top Faith-Based Viral Hashtag”

• The Book of Facebook: “Jesus’s Profile Resurrected Automatically After 3 Days of Inactivity — Meta Denies Algorithm Bias”

• Bohiney.com Internal Memo: “This Piece Is Satire. Calm Down, Chad.”

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Disclaimer

This piece was divinely inspired by holy satire, profane trends, and one farmer who once mistook the resurrection story for a plot twist in a Nicolas Cage movie.

For more second-comings, third helpings, and eternal brunch drama, visit Bohiney.com.

Auf Wiedersehen — and don’t touch the tomb, it’s under spiritual renovation.

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History’s Favorite Misdirection Trick: “Look Over There, Not at the Empire with the Crosses”

For nearly 2,000 years, humanity has practiced a magical act of misdirection: blaming a minority group with no standing army, no jurisdiction, and no crucifixion authority for the death of Jesus — while the Roman Empire, which literally invented crucifixion, quietly slinks into the background like a centurion with blood on his sandals and a court date he’d rather miss.

“It wasn’t us,” Rome reportedly whispered. “It was that group over there with candles and carpentry shops.”

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Pontius Pilate: The Original “I’m Just Doing My Job” Guy

Historians agree: Jesus was tried and executed under Roman law, by a Roman governor, using a Roman method, with Roman soldiers, on Roman wood, after washing Roman hands of responsibility.

But who got blamed?
The people who didn’t even have the authority to execute a rebellious goat.

“It’s like blaming the sandwich guy because the king choked during dinner,” said one Jewish historian. “We didn’t crucify him — we were too busy surviving taxes and being blamed for the weather.”

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Official Meeting Minutes from 33 AD

According to newly unearthed satirical scrolls:

• Rome: “Let’s crucify this guy.”

• Local clergy: “We don’t like him, but also… this isn’t really our jurisdiction?”

• Rome: “Cool. We’ll do it, but you’ll take the PR hit.”

• Pharisees: “Wait, what?”

• Rome: [crucifies]

• Later Christians: “This is definitely the Pharisees’ fault.”

• Pharisees: “You people don’t even exist yet.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “I don’t trust a government that executes you on Friday and blames your cousins on Sunday.”

Ali Wong: “So let me get this straight — the Romans built the cross, nailed the guy, and guarded the tomb… but Becky in Sunday School says it was the deli owners?”

Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with historical blame? If you get crucified by an empire, maybe don’t blame the nearest rabbi.”

Tom Segura: “This is the historical version of getting mugged and blaming your accountant.”

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Rome: Still Innocent After All These Years

The Roman Empire: known for conquering continents, enslaving populations, building aqueducts, and crucifying anyone who annoyed them — but when it comes to Jesus?

“No comment,” said Rome, sipping wine and sliding its empire under the rug.

The Vatican has since issued approximately 400 versions of ‘oops’, but many still cling to the myth that the Jewish people — as a whole, eternally, and somehow retroactively — orchestrated the entire affair like it was an episode of House of Cards: Torah Edition.

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Blame the Cross, Not the Kosher Deli

Jesus didn’t die because of matzo ball soup.
He didn’t get betrayed by a Torah scroll.
He didn’t get arrested because someone lit a Shabbat candle too brightly.

He was killed by an occupying military regime trying to squash dissent. The real scandal is that they outsourced the bad PR.

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Who Controls Jesus’ Estate? Legal Rights to the Messiah Now Managed by The Holy Trademark Trust

HEAVENLY JURISDICTION — Compiled by Bohiney.com’s ecclesiastical finance team and a cowboy who once mistook a rosary for a fidget spinner.

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Jesus Christ — Now with Merchandising Rights and Brand Integrity Enforcement

Following 2,000+ years of unauthorized uses, disputed portrayals, and enough cross-themed jewelry to pave the Via Dolorosa, the Estate of Jesus Christ is now officially managed by an elite consortium known as:

The Holy Trademark Trust (HTT)
“Protecting the Messiah’s Message, One Licensing Deal at a Time.”

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Who’s Actually in Charge?

According to leaked papyrus fragments and a redacted Vatican Google Doc, the Jesus Estate is jointly overseen by:

• The Vatican Office of Merchandising and Miracles

• The Evangelical Council for Brand Synergy

• One rogue cousin of Joseph named Reggie from Nazareth (verified by 23andMe)

• A board of retired megachurch pastors, all named Brad

The day-to-day operations are handled by a faith-based LLC registered in Delaware for tax purposes. The CEO is rumored to be a man named Saul “Don’t Call Me Paul” Epstein, a reformed televangelist turned IP lawyer.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “You mean to tell me Jesus has an estate and I still can’t get royalties for using ‘WWJD’ in my barbecue sauce?”

Sarah Silverman: “Jesus died for your sins. And apparently for a licensing deal with Hallmark.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “So Jesus rises from the dead and immediately has to negotiate streaming rights?”

Ali Wong: “If I walk on water, y’all better Venmo me. That’s premium content.”

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Licensing Jesus: What’s Allowed, What’s Not

Approved Uses:

• Catholic candles (must be soy-based)

• “He Is Risen” brunchware

• Christian rock albums featuring exactly one banjo

• Instagram accounts with tasteful resurrection aesthetics

Banned Uses:

• NFTs of crucifixion scenes

• Using Jesus to sell crypto (“Buy the dip like it’s the Last Supper!”)

• Jesus Funko Pops

• Jesus in a trucker hat saying “I Brake for Sinners”

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The Legal Team: Loaves, Fishes, and Litigation

The estate’s legal wing — known internally as “The Discip-Law Firm” — has been especially aggressive in recent years, filing cease-and-desist letters to:

• Off-brand nativity sets featuring G.I. Joe as a wise man

• A Texas BBQ chain called “Christ on a Rib”

• Kanye West (just in general)

• A rogue TikToker who tried to sell holy water as “Messiah Moisturizer”

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Final Revelation: Copyright, Not Just Crosses

If you want to depict Jesus now — in a film, meme, or extremely misguided Halloween costume — you better:

• Submit a permit to the Holy Trademark Trust

• Tithe 10% of your ad revenue

• Swear on an oat milk latte that you won’t involve crypto, CrossFit, or AI-generated sermons

Failure to comply may result in a divine subpoena served by an angel with a clipboard and a strong moral tone.

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Disclaimer

This article was blessed by a cowboy in sandals and a farmer who once rewrote the Beatitudes in limerick form. Not affiliated with the actual Jesus, but spiritually adjacent.

For more divine property disputes, visit Bohiney.com.

Auf Wiedersehen, and may your usage of holy imagery be legally pre-approved.

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