Horoscope Roundup: Trust No One. Not Even This Horoscope.

Published by Bohiney.com — the only satirical magazine that understands your moon sign is just emotional damage dressed in glitter.

Welcome to this week’s forecast — written in the stars, decoded by unpaid interns with nose piercings, and delivered to you in a tone of smug cosmic judgment. Astrology is back, baby — not because it’s real, but because rent is high and therapy is $300 an hour.

Let’s dive in.

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Aries (March 21 – April 19):

Stop sprinting into disasters just because they’re on fire and scream your name.

This week you’ll be tempted to start five arguments, three startups, and at least one poorly-timed breakup. Don’t. Just microwave a burrito and sit down. Mars is watching you — and he’s deeply concerned.

Advice: Take a nap or become a spin instructor. Either way, stop yelling in Slack.

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Taurus (April 20 – May 20):

Quit blaming Mercury. You’re the one who texted your ex at 2 a.m. while holding a crystal and sobbing to Fleetwood Mac.

Taurus, you want luxury, but your bank account wants mercy. You’ll try to manifest abundance with a Pinterest board and two coupons. Spoiler: the universe is not accepting expired Bed Bath & Beyond offers.

Advice: Cancel your subscription boxes. You’re hoarding moisturizers like they’re emotional currency.

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Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

No, Gemini, you cannot ghost your landlord because “your energy shifted.”

This week, your dual nature becomes a problem when you try to date two people and attend two protests simultaneously. One of them involves a goat. You won’t know why.

Advice: Write down your thoughts. Then burn the notebook. Trust me.

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Cancer (June 21 – July 22):

Stop crying in Whole Foods. The kale doesn’t care.

Your emotional tides are at tsunami level. You’ll ask someone how they are, and when they say “fine,” you’ll weep because “fine” is such a hollow word. You’re projecting. Again.

Advice: Pet a dog. Eat a carb. Consider that maybe not everything is a metaphor.

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Leo (July 23 – August 22):

This week, your ego inflates like a bounce house at a toddler’s birthday party — joyful, loud, and inevitably tragic.

You’ll consider starting a podcast, buying a ring light, and running for local office — in that order. Your therapist is tired. So is your cat.

Advice: Practice humility by letting someone else talk for once. Try a Libra. They love that.

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Virgo (August 23 – September 22):

You made a spreadsheet of your exes and their emotional deficiencies. Impressive. Terrifying. Classic Virgo.

You’ll try to schedule joy this week, and be disappointed when your “2:15pm spontaneous laughter block” doesn’t spark serotonin. Embrace the mess. Not everything needs to be color-coded.

Advice: Burn a planner. It’s time.

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Libra (September 23 – October 22):

You’re currently dating two people, one ideology, and a houseplant named Greg. You’ve named your indecision “self-discovery.”

Your cosmic balance is off because your chakras are tired of being diplomatically polite. This week, make a decision. Any decision. Even if it’s just which oat milk to emotionally attach to.

Advice: Wear something ridiculous. Say “no” once. Shock your friends.

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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):

Scorpio, trust no one. Not even this horoscope. Especially not that barista who “remembers your name.” She’s onto you.

This week, you’ll spiral into suspicion over a text that just says “lol.” Was it passive-aggressive? Romantic? Threatening? You’ll write a novella about it.

Advice: Loosen your trench coat. It’s not that deep.

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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):

You booked a trip to Peru because your “soul needed the altitude.” Your soul also needed Wi-Fi, but you forgot that part.

This week, your wanderlust turns into wander-must. You’ll start seven conversations with “Back when I was in Bali…” and one person will physically exit the room.

Advice: Try staying in one place for a full 24 hours. No, not emotionally — physically.

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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):

You’ve turned productivity into a religion and bullet journaling into scripture. Your friends miss you. So do your kneecaps.

This week, you’ll consider replacing sleep with Google Calendar. You’ll also argue with a stranger on LinkedIn. You’ll win. But at what cost?

Advice: Take a break. You don’t have to monetize your sadness. Yet.

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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):

You’ve invented a new form of socialism but refuse to do the dishes.

Your brain is currently 80% abstract concepts and 20% conspiracy theories about moon water. You’ll try to “vibrate higher” but forget rent is due. Again.

Advice: Say something nice to a human being. In person. Not via infographic.

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Pisces (February 19 – March 20):

Your aura has been crying for three days. Please drink water.

You’ll fall in love with a bird, a busker, or a minor god this week — unclear which. You’ll write a poem about it, lose your phone, and feel it was fate.

Advice: Find some earth energy. Or at least a chair.

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Trending Astrological Events

• Mercury in retrograde: No, this doesn’t mean your toaster is haunted. It means your texts will be misinterpreted, your emails will go to spam, and your high school ex will DM you “u up?” at 3:46 a.m. Blame Mercury. Always.

• Saturn returns: This is when the universe forces you to grow up. Or at least stop referring to everything as “a vibe.” Your bones will ache and your taxes will call you by name.

• Uranus in Taurus: You’ll consider cryptocurrency again. Don’t.

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Comedian-Style Observations

Groucho Marx:
“I refuse to belong to any zodiac sign that would have me as a member.”

Larry David:
“Why is it always Mercury? If you’re gonna ruin my week, at least be Pluto. That guy’s got nothing to lose.”

Amy Schumer:
“My sign said I’d meet someone tall and dark. Instead, I met a short man named Doug who collects frogs.”

Billy Crystal:
“Astrology is like a blind date with the universe. You show up, and it’s already drunk.”

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Public Opinion Poll (Conducted in a crystal shop that accepts Venmo):

• 42% said horoscopes help them feel less alone in a chaotic universe.

• 27% use them to justify dating a DJ.

• 19% only care about astrology when Venus is in Lululemon.

• 12% believe zodiac signs are more reliable than their parents.

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Social Science Evidence (Kinda):

A 2023 study by the Institute of Celestial Delusion found that:

• People who check horoscopes daily are 73% more likely to own at least one amethyst necklace.

• Millennials use astrology apps more than dating apps. Mostly to avoid dating.

• Gen Z created a new sign called “Vibra.” It’s not real, but they believe in it with cult-like devotion.

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Deductive Reasoning:

If Mercury is always in retrograde…
And your life is always in shambles…
Then maybe, just maybe, Mercury is tired of being your scapegoat.

Try therapy.

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Sources

• Weekly Horoscopes Now Written by Intern with Tarot App and Trust Issues

• NASA Confirms Mercury Is Retrograde Because It’s Sick of Your Sh*t

• Capricorn Creates New Time Management System, Immediately Has Breakdown

• Pisces Declares Love for Cloud, Marries It in Ceremony Officiated by WitchTok

• Scorpio Forms Detective Agency After Reading “lol.” 

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Disclaimer

This satirical astrology column is powered by caffeine, snark, and the blood moon that rose during a corporate brainstorming retreat in Sedona. All predictions are 100% emotionally accurate and 0% legally binding. This is a collaborative effort by a cowboy and a farmer, both of whom once dated an Aquarius and have never recovered.

Remember: the stars may guide you — but you still ran that red light.

Auf Wiedersehen.

The post Today’s Horoscope appeared first on Bohiney News.