Wichita Falls Declares War on Wind – Satirical Journalism

Wichita Falls Declares War on Wind: Citizens Tired of Hats Becoming Airborne Diplomats

WICHITA FALLS, TX — APRIL 2025 — In a bold move that has left meteorologists snickering and local hat shops cheering, Wichita Falls has officially declared war on wind.

The city council passed Ordinance 457-W, requiring all Texas Panhandle winds to apply for entry permits before whooshing across the Wichita County line. The decision comes after a three-week stretch in which 34 cowboy hats, 19 toupees, and one emotional support umbrella were launched into Oklahoma.

“This ain’t Kansas,” proclaimed Councilwoman Rhonda Beech, as she tightened the chinstrap of her personalized Stetson. “We are sick and tired of wind treating this town like a bowling alley and our hairstyles like pins.”

Paperwork for a Breeze

According to the ordinance, gusts exceeding 12 miles per hour must file a Wind Entry Form (Form WEF-22) at least 48 hours in advance. Winds above 30 mph are required to attend a town hall meeting and present their meteorological credentials.

A city spokesperson clarified that enforcement will rely on a new team of “wind rangers,” retired mall cops equipped with leaf blowers and an uncanny ability to detect barometric arrogance.

“I chased a 17-mph gust down Avenue D last Tuesday. It was trying to sneak in without papers,” said Ranger Buck Delaney, chewing on what might have been a receipt.

Hat Liberation Front Responds

In a gusty statement released from the Red River, the rogue group known as the Hat Liberation Front (HLF) claimed responsibility for coordinating airborne hat escapes. “The wind is freedom. Hats are prisoners. We will not rest until every fedora is free to fly.”

Local wind rights activists protested the new policy by releasing helium balloons shaped like hairpieces. One protester, who only gave his name as “Zane, Child of Cyclone,” shouted into a megaphone, “You can’t permit the wind! The wind permits you!”

Commerce Takes a Side

Meanwhile, Wichita Falls hat shops reported a spike in sales.

“We’ve started installing GPS tracking chips in all wide-brimmed products,” said Dixie Templeton, owner of “Hats Off, Y’all.” “You wouldn’t believe the number of calls we get from Arkansas asking, ‘Do y’all sell hats with attitude problems?’”

Drone surveillance footage confirmed that several local hats are now nesting in trees outside Lawton, Oklahoma. The phenomenon is being studied by ornithologists under the working title: “Headwear Migration Patterns and the Psychology of Flighty Fedoras.”

Big Wind Lobby Pushback

The Wind Energy Coalition of Texas, known colloquially as Big Wind, released a statement condemning the ordinance as “an unconstitutional restriction on atmospheric movement.”

“This is a clear case of gust profiling,” said spokesperson Breezy McQuillan. “Not all wind is here to mess up your bangs.”

City officials countered by launching Operation Comb Over, a campaign urging citizens to stabilize hairdos using industrial-strength adhesives. A pilot program involving hairspray laced with cement yielded mixed results and at least one squirrel with a mohawk.

Experts Weigh In

Dr. Phillip Swansen, a professor of Meteorological Philosophy at Midwestern State University, offered a nuanced take: “Wind has always existed in a liminal space between friend and foe. We must learn to coexist. Or buy heavier hats.”

Meanwhile, Texas Governor Greg Abbott threatened to intervene with the state’s newly activated Weather National Guard, a task force composed of retired lifeguards, kite festival organizers, and one guy who owns a weather app.

As of this morning, the city has issued 17 cease-and-desist letters to zephyrs and one formal diplomatic warning to a dust devil caught loitering behind a Dairy Queen.

And in an unrelated but somehow poetically connected story, Amarillo has issued a counter-declaration, welcoming all fugitive hats with open coat racks.

WICHITA FALLS, TX – A cartoon titled ‘The Deep-Fry Tornado Stand-Off‘, in the style of Toni Bohiney. In the scene, a shirtless man in Crocs, Travis Spu… – bohiney.com

Wichita Falls Man Arrested After Attempting to Deep-Fry Entire Tornado

A Wichita Falls man is in custody this week after authorities say he attempted to deep-fry an active tornado that was passing just outside city limits.

Travis Clay Spurlock, 43, claimed the tornado was “taunting him with its curvy figure and loud personality,” and he “just had to show it who’s boss.” Witnesses say Spurlock, wearing nothing but Crocs and a Kiss the Cook apron, rolled out a 300-gallon propane fryer and shouted, “It’s Twister Season, y’all! Bring a dish!”

The Setup

Authorities arrived on the scene after local residents reported smelling peanut oil in the air and hearing a man yell, “You ever had deep-fried sky snake? It’s the crunch of the clouds!”

Officers found Spurlock attempting to coax the EF2 twister toward a makeshift fryer built out of an above-ground pool lined with turkey baskets and dreams. The tornado reportedly ignored him, instead tearing apart a Sonic sign and flinging a jalapeño popper into Kansas.

Legal Gray Area

Wichita County Sheriff Baxter Motes addressed the legal ambiguity: “While we don’t currently have laws on the books about culinary weather crimes, we felt public endangerment and violating several laws of thermodynamics would suffice.”

Spurlock has been charged with reckless tornado baiting, unlicensed tornado preparation, and conspiracy to flavor the sky.

“There is no state statute about seasoning atmospheric phenomena,” admitted Motes, adding, “but there damn well will be next week.”

A Recipe for Disaster

When questioned, Spurlock remained defiant.

“My granny always said, ‘If it spins, it grins,’ and I stand by that,” he told reporters. “That tornado looked crispy. I had the batter ready — paprika, garlic powder, and just a dash of defiance.”

Asked what he planned to serve with the fried tornado, he replied, “Coleslaw. Because it also gets tossed.”

Culinary Commentary

Local celebrity chef Jolene “Biscuits” Martinez offered this critique: “While I appreciate boldness in the kitchen, you can’t just fry a weather pattern. Not without a wind-proof roux.”

In response, Spurlock challenged her to a cook-off. Martinez declined, citing “moral boundaries and basic physics.”

Public Reaction

Residents are divided. Some call Spurlock a folk hero. Others say he’s what happens when you drink expired ranch dressing.

“He’s an innovator!” said local man Daryl Stump, who claims to have tried barbecuing hail during the 2019 storm season. “He just went one storm too far.”

Meanwhile, the Texas State Fair has already contacted Spurlock about appearing in their new exhibition: “Extreme Frying: Things You Shouldn’t, But Maybe Could.”

Meteorologists Alarmed

The National Weather Service issued a statement urging the public not to attempt to cook, flirt with, or otherwise provoke tornadoes.

“They are not delicious. They are not dateable. They are not your enemy. But they also don’t taste like chicken,” said the statement.

Wichita Falls Mayor Gertie Blanch responded by establishing a Tornado Culinary Task Force (TCTF), whose mission is to educate citizens on acceptable storm-related recipes.

Tornado Rights Advocates Chime In

The newly formed group, Twister Respect Alliance for Meteorological Boundaries (TRAMB), picketed outside the jailhouse holding Spurlock. Their slogan: “Weather Isn’t Your Buffet.”

One member, who only identified herself as Gale, claimed tornadoes have been “chewed up and spit out by too many metaphors already.”

As of press time, Spurlock was still in jail but reportedly received a care package containing batter mix, hot sauce, and a letter from his aunt reading: “We’re proud of your culinary courage. But next time, just fry a turkey like the rest of us.”

He now faces up to five years in prison or community service, which includes giving tornado-prep cooking classes to at-risk youth with poor wind judgment.