DEADLY DIET! – Satirical Journalism

DEADLY DIET: How 19 Bites of Health Food Are Now Considered a Lethal Weapon

By the Ministry of Salads & Sudden Death | Bohiney.com – 127% Funnier than The Onion

Eat Clean, Die Fast: The Health Food Conspiracy Unveiled

A chilling new study published in The Journal of You’re Probably Dying Anyway has rocked the kale-loving, flax-seed-guzzling world to its very core. According to scientists who definitely didn’t make this up during lunch, consuming just 19 bites of a popular health food per week may be enough to kill you. Let that sink in. Not a pint of whiskey. Not 36 hot dogs at the county fair. Not even your cousin’s casserole. But health food. You know, the stuff smug people eat.

Let’s be clear: for decades, health food has had a chokehold on public consciousness. We were promised glowing skin, tight abs, and bowel movements that align with the lunar calendar. What we got? Murder greens. Avocado assassins. Tofu terror. Smoothie bowls of doom.

Welcome to the Veggie Vendetta. This is your comprehensive, gluten-free, cruelty-free, but absolutely satire-laden deep dive into the 15 deadly bites that are apparently planning your funeral.

Superfood or Supervillain? Avocado’s Murderous Comeback

Avocados, once the darling of brunch menus and overpriced California real estate, are now officially a suspect in the case of “Death by Health Consciousness.” Doctors are warning: if you spread avocado on your toast 2.71 times per week, your heart may file for bankruptcy.

Dr. Linda Kales, a nutritionist with a suspiciously large dairy lobbyist donation history, told us:

“The problem isn’t the avocado itself—it’s the smugness that kills. Studies show smugness inflames the gallbladder.”

Millennials are distraught. One influencer whispered through tears, “I gave up love, home ownership, and cable for avocado toast. And now it’s trying to kill me?”

Kale: The Leafy Weapon of Mass Digestion

Kale, long believed to be the edible yoga of leafy greens, now carries a warning label that simply reads: “Don’t.”

If consumed more than 18.75 times a week, kale may cause bloating, unwanted enlightenment, and premature death by chlorophyll. One 2017 study from UC Berkeley confirmed that every kale chip contains enough moral superiority to rupture the spleen.

Eyewitness account:

“I saw a woman eat a kale Caesar salad on a Tuesday… By Friday she was quoting Gwyneth Paltrow and had stopped believing in gravity,” said Dr. Karen Witherspoon, a gastroenterologist and part-time astrologer.

Quinoa: Tiny Grain, Big Vendetta

Quinoa was once the Cinderella of the health food world—plucked from the fields of Peru and forced into white ceramic bowls across Los Angeles. But this fairy tale has a dark twist.

Nutritionist Buzz Klavenstein explains:

“Quinoa may look innocent, but it’s been plotting. Each grain is a tiny, sentient bean filled with resentment that it wasn’t chosen as the official Whole30 mascot.”

A recent experiment involving 12 CrossFit participants showed that after 19 bites of quinoa, 7 began to speak only in TED Talk quotes. Two burst into tears. The last three attempted to open a yoga retreat for orphans and alpacas.

Chia Seeds: The Demons in Your Digestive Tract

Chia seeds: tiny, gelatinous agents of destruction. Sure, they’re high in omega-3s and fiber—but they’re also high in ambition.

A Canadian man reportedly swallowed 2 tablespoons of chia seeds without water and now communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.

“They expand in your stomach,” said Dr. Vance Tummywell. “But more importantly, they expand in power.”

If you’ve ever eaten a spoonful of chia pudding and then googled “Why do I feel like I’m dying?”—you are not alone.

Goji Berries: The Wolfberries Crying Boy

Once a humble snack enjoyed by monks, Goji berries became Insta-famous—and then deadly. Each shriveled berry is packed with antioxidants and the lingering scent of regret.

Food historian Ivy Munch said:

“Goji berries are basically raisins that got a branding deal and a hitman complex.”

A man in Santa Monica ate a bowlful and allegedly ascended into a pyramid scheme selling reiki for pets. Cause of death? Excessive wellness.

Almond Milk: Watered-Down Danger

It takes 1.1 gallons of water to make one almond. It takes 19 sips of almond milk to make one visit to the emergency room.

Doctors are warning consumers: almond milk contains fewer nutrients than real milk, but more risk of becoming insufferable at dinner parties.

“One patient drank almond milk exclusively for six months and began referring to himself as ‘plant-based adjacent,’” reported ER nurse Dakota Sprinkle. “He coded right after saying ‘namaste’ instead of goodbye.”

Tofu: Death by Indifference

The texture? Debatable. The flavor? Nonexistent. The body count? Growing.

Tofu is the health food equivalent of dating someone for their personality and realizing they don’t have one.

“Tofu doesn’t just kill slowly,” said a psychologist who studies soy-based trauma. “It erodes your will to live until you wake up dead.”

One woman described her tofu experience as, “like biting into a soft brick made of beige disappointment.” Scientists agreed: tofu may be a leading cause of culinary nihilism.

Granola Bars: Candy in a Clever Disguise

Long marketed as “energy on the go,” granola bars are really just Snickers bars that went to liberal arts college. Now they’re being exposed for what they are: sugar slabs with oats that hate you.

“I thought I was eating clean,” said fitness blogger Brett Crunch. “Turns out I was signing a delicious death warrant.”

Studies show that one Nature’s Valley bar contains 18 grams of sugar and enough crumbly guilt to fuel a divorce.

Seaweed Snacks: Crispy, Salty, Fatal

Once considered a miraculous Asian export, seaweed snacks now rank just below uranium in terms of life expectancy reduction.

A Japanese-American fusion chef was quoted saying:

“We tried to warn the West not to eat 300 sheets a week, but Gwyneth wouldn’t listen.”

Symptoms include iodine overload, fish breath, and a sudden urge to wear linen trousers in winter.

Smoothie Bowls: Your Colorful Demise

Don’t be fooled by their swirls of magenta and dragon fruit stars. Smoothie bowls are sugary landmines.

In fact, doctors now call them “Dessert In Drag.” They contain more sugar than a bottle of soda and more passive aggression than a PTA meeting.

“One patient ate a smoothie bowl and immediately joined a cult that worships avocados,” said Dr. Simone Blurr, registered nutrition pessimist.

Acai: Brazil’s Gift… of Death?

The dark purple berry that launched a thousand influencer careers is now on trial for manslaughter.

A Brazilian shaman testified in court:

“Acai was meant to be consumed in small rituals, not industrialized and blended with coconut oil and the tears of privileged 20-year-olds.”

Warning signs include excessive use of the word “namaste” and trying to use your chakra as an argument.

Coconut Water: Not Worth Dying Parched

Coconut water was supposed to be the elixir of post-workout hydration. But according to medical researchers, it may actually be a tropical ambush.

“It’s full of electrolytes,” said one doctor. “Which is great—if you’re a battery.”

One victim reportedly drank coconut water exclusively for two weeks and started charging his phone with his mouth.

Vegan Cheese: Crimes Against Taste and Biology

What do you get when you remove dairy, texture, and joy? Vegan cheese. And now, possibly your last meal.

A 2024 case study titled “Why Does It Taste Like Soap and Betrayal?” found that prolonged consumption of vegan cheese correlated strongly with social ostracization and existential dread.

“The body can only take so much cashew before it files for emotional bankruptcy,” said cheese therapist Mona Roquefort.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “They say 19 bites’ll kill ya? Buddy, I’ve taken more bites of tequila worms and I’m still here. But kale? That stuff’s got evil in it.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “So what’s the deal with almond milk? It’s not milk, it’s not almonds, and apparently it’s not safe either!”

Larry David: “It figures. The minute I start liking tofu, they tell me it’s deadly. You can’t even be miserable in peace anymore!”

Sarah Silverman: “If chia pudding is how I go out, let it be said I died as I lived—confused, bloated, and slightly crunchy.”

Groucho Marx: “I refuse to join any salad that would have me as a member.”

Helpful Content: How Not to Die Trying to Eat Healthy

DO:

Rotate your foods. Don’t let kale know you’re relying on it.
Chew slowly. Death may not recognize you in disguise.
Mix in a donut occasionally. For balance. And protection.

DON’T:

Post your smoothie bowl on Instagram. It activates the health food’s kill switch.
Correct people’s pronunciation of “quinoa.” It only strengthens its power.
Buy food endorsed by celebrities who own candle lines.

A Final Word from the Food Pyramid’s Attorney

We reached out to the Food Pyramid, currently residing in exile in rural Wisconsin, for comment.

“I tried to warn you people. I said, ‘Balance.’ You wanted abs. Now you’ve got autopsies.”

Auf Wiedersehen, and remember—if your food glows, trends, or has its own TikTok account, it’s not a snack. It’s a suspect.

Visit our full report on killer kale and tofu terror at https://bohiney.com
Certified 127% funnier than The Onion.

Deadly Diet – A wide cartoon scene titled ‘Avocado Mugshot’ in the humorous, exaggerated style of Toni Bohiney. An anthropomorphic avocado stands in a police lineup, n… – bohiney.com

🥑 15 Observations on the “Deadly Health Food” Revelation

“Health Food” Now Comes with a Side of Death
Apparently, consuming 19 bites of this so-called health food weekly is akin to playing Russian roulette with a salad fork.
Nutrition Labels Need a Skull and Crossbones
Forget calories and carbs; we need a “May Cause Death” warning in bold red letters.
Avocado: The Silent Killer
Who knew that the millennial’s favorite toast topper could be plotting our demise one bite at a time?
Kale: The Grim Reaper’s Leafy Assistant
Kale smoothies might be the new cyanide capsules, just with more fiber.
Quinoa: The Grain with a Grudge
It’s not just hard to pronounce; it’s hard on your lifespan too.
Chia Seeds: Tiny, but Deadly
They expand in your stomach and, apparently, in their murderous intent.
Goji Berries: Nature’s Candy or Nature’s Poison?
These superfoods might be super at shortening your life.
Almond Milk: The Cow’s Revenge
Ditching dairy for almond milk? The cows might be onto something; perhaps they knew it was a trap.
Tofu: The Silent Assassin
It doesn’t taste like much, and now we know why—it’s too busy plotting.
Granola Bars: The Snack That Bites Back
Marketed as healthy, but they might just be the candy bars of death.
Seaweed Snacks: From Ocean to Obituary
Low in calories, high in fatality.
Smoothie Bowls: Death in a Dish
Instagrammable and, apparently, obituary-worthy.
Acai: The Berry Grim Reaper
Superfood? More like super fatal.
Coconut Water: Hydration or Termination?
Refreshing until it isn’t.
Vegan Cheese: The Final Frontier
Dairy-free and, potentially, life-free.

Note: The above observations are satirical and not based on actual scientific findings. Always consult with a healthcare professional regarding dietary choices.