LGBTQ+ In Schools
Parents, Pitchforks, and the Public School Plot to Make First Graders “Fabulous”
By the Women at Bohiney.com – Satire That Smells Like Freedom and Banned Books
In a stunning reversal of educational priorities, LGBTQ+ in schools have replaced phonics, multiplication tables, and the Constitution with drag queen story hour, glitter glue protests, and rainbow-powered curriculum units titled “Heather Has Two Mommies and an IRS-Recognized Domestic Partnership.”
Public School: Now 30% Reading, 70% Sexual Identity Awareness
Across the country, teachers are reportedly spending less time explaining fractions and more time helping seven-year-olds craft identity flags out of popsicle sticks. Little Jimmy can’t find North Dakota on a map, but he can name 13 gender identities faster than his uncle can spell “CRT.”
“We just want them to be inclusive,” said Principal Lexa Moonshadow of Blueberry Sage Elementary, while painting a pronoun wheel on the cafeteria wall. “If a child doesn’t know the difference between cisgender and genderqueer by second grade, we’ve failed as a district.”
Funny Evidence: Witness Testimony from the Lost PTA Meeting of 2025
“I asked what reading level my daughter was at,” said Alabama mom Jenny Hightower. “The teacher said, ‘Well, she identifies as a level 3 reader.’ I said, ‘No, ma’am. I asked if she could read the damn book.’”
Meanwhile, a father in Iowa said he got suspicious when his son came home from school and used the phrase “heteronormative oppression” to describe a Disney movie. “That’s when I knew,” he said. “They turned my boy into a sociology major.”
Age-Appropriateness? Not According to the Rainbow Curriculum
Critics argue it might be confusing to tell a six-year-old about polyamorous throuples before they learn to tie their shoes. But schools insist that inclusion must start young—ideally before brain plasticity sets like overcooked tofu.
A leaked PowerPoint from one district titled “Your Toddler Might Be Gender Fluid—And That’s Beautiful” recommends introducing gender identity with coloring pages of transitioning unicorns.
Psychologist Dr. Carl Nutters, author of Freud and Fro-Yo: Sexuality and Snacks in Kindergarten, warned, “There’s a fine line between exposure and overload. If your kid thinks gender is a Pokémon evolution, maybe slow down.”
Parental Rights: An Outdated, Cisnormative Concept?
According to the Department of Education’s new slogan—“It Takes a Village…and a Queer Studies Degree”—parents are no longer the primary stakeholders. That role now belongs to progressive curriculum consultants with masters degrees in Feelings.
Karen Mertz, a mother of three and professional bake sale warrior, said, “I asked for the reading list. It had more queer coming-of-age memoirs than the New York Times Book Review.”
“I just wanted them to learn long division,” she added, “not question whether their lunch lady identifies as demiromantic panfluid.”
Religion? That’s Just One Opinion, Sweetie
In states like Texas and Florida, religious parents have become alarmed at what they describe as a full frontal assault on biblical values. “When we said ‘Render unto Caesar,’ we didn’t mean render your kids unto RuPaul,” said Pastor Tom of the Church of Evergreen Redemption.
Yet school officials say moral objections are simply bigotry wrapped in scripture. “We respect all beliefs,” said one DEI coordinator, “except the ones that conflict with our funding goals.”
Grooming Accusations: Hot Air or Hot Topic?
Opponents of this educational trend often raise the dreaded “grooming” alarm. And while most LGBTQ+ teachers are earnest professionals who want kids to feel safe and seen, satire lives in the space between absurdity and anxiety.
Case in point: A school in Oregon reportedly changed their mascot to “The Consent Badger,” prompting a mother to ask, “Why does a badger need my child to sign a feelings waiver?”
Another school handed out glitter pens inscribed with the phrase “Love is Love and So Is Literacy”. A coincidence? Or proof that love and syntax are being weaponized in tandem?
The Forgotten Subjects: Reading, Writing, and Respecting Parents
Some parents say the shift from ABCs to LGBTQs has led to widespread academic backslide. “My son failed his math test,” said one dad, “but aced his Queer Theory scavenger hunt.”
In Georgia, a group of parents tried to get their school to reintroduce cursive writing, but were told that “script is patriarchal” and instead offered a class on “Expressing Yourself Through Emoji Hieroglyphics.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
Ron White: “Back in my day, the only thing you learned about identity in school was your Social Security number.”
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with kindergartners discussing polyamory? They can’t even spell it!”
Sarah Silverman: “My niece said her teacher told her gender is a spectrum. I said, great—now do the electromagnetic one.”
The Real Lesson: Government Is the New Parent
What began as a push for tolerance has become a gold rush for identity consultants, curriculum czars, and policy wonks who never met a rainbow they didn’t want to laminate and staple to a bulletin board.
The final bell doesn’t signal learning—it signals state-sponsored virtue signaling.
So next time your kid brings home a reading log, don’t be surprised if it includes Gender Queer: A Memoir, How to Love Yourself in Five Genders or Less, and a coloring page of Karl Marx dressed as a nonbinary llama.
Auf Wiedersehen, Common Core. Hello, Common Queer!
Comedians Who Mock LGBTQ+ in Schools
These legendary comics roast the contradictions of the education system, cultural priorities, and institutional absurdity—without aiming satire at vulnerable children.
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Louis CK
“Schools act like they’re therapists now. ‘Little Jimmy can’t read, but here’s a worksheet on his feelings.’ Maybe teach him to read so he has something to feel good about?” -
Norm Macdonald
“They say kids are ‘confused’ these days. Yeah, confused why their teacher can’t explain long division but has 37 pronouns.”
(Absurdist, observational—not anti-LGBTQ+, just anti-stupid.)
The Great Glitter Coup: How the LGBTQ+ Agenda Allegedly Hijacked Your Kid’s Classroom
If you believe your kid’s backpack has been converted into a mobile pride shrine, you’re not alone. Across the nation, some parents are convinced that America’s classrooms are less about reading, writing, and arithmetic, and more about rainbows, rights, and RuPaul. According to one TikTok dad in a bass pro hat, “They ain’t teachin’ history, they teachin’ hisstory.”
Welcome to the new educational frontier: Drag Queen Kindergarten, where milk cartons now list pronouns and the Pledge of Allegiance is followed by a spontaneous choreographed rendition of “I Will Survive.”
Let us investigate, with full satire, the 15 “signs” that the LGBTQ+ community has taken over the school system—armed not with pitchforks, but bedazzled lesson plans and laminated feelings charts.
Curriculum Glitter Bombs Are the New Extra Credit
Teachers used to reward kids with gold stars. Now it’s iridescent unicorn stickers and pronoun-themed temporary tattoos. A leaked teacher’s manual from an Oregon school district states: “If a student finishes their spelling test, offer them a glitter bomb and a copy of The Queer Unicorn’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence.”
One kindergartener reportedly asked, “Why is everything sparkly now?” To which the principal replied, “Because everything is fabulous now, sweetie.”
Parents complained their children came home from school looking like backup dancers for Katy Perry.
The LGBTQ+ Alphabet Is Replacing the Regular One
We’ve gone from “A is for Apple” to “A is for Androgynous.” Phonics has become a gateway drug for queer theory. In some districts, children are taught that “B is for Bisexual, but only if you’re emotionally ready.”
One Florida school allegedly held a “Gender Identity Spelling Bee” where words included “cisnormativity,” “aromantic,” and “two-spirit,” resulting in three third graders filing for mental exhaustion and one beginning a zine.
When asked how this helped them in standardized testing, the district responded, “It doesn’t—but it’s liberating.”
The Cafeteria Menu is Now Vegan and Values-Based
Gone are the square pizzas of yesteryear. Today’s lunch menus are curated by ethical food consultants and include gluten-free pride cupcakes and tofu shaped like Alan Turing’s face.
A Utah mom discovered her son’s school banned chocolate milk for being “too binary” and replaced it with “gender-fluid almond elixir.” Even the ketchup now comes with an emotional support packet.
One lunch lady, previously known for her chili mac, was demoted after refusing to wear a rainbow hairnet.
The School Mascot Now Has They/Them Pronouns
Mascots used to represent team spirit. Now they represent identity journeys. In one California district, the football team went from the “Fighting Falcons” to the “Flourishing Fluids.” The mascot—a gender-neutral jellyfish named “Mx. Wiggles”—does interpretive dances at pep rallies.
Students who misgender the mascot are suspended and must attend a “Mascot Sensitivity Circle.”
One confused grandfather asked, “What happened to the bulldog?” A counselor replied, “He transitioned.”
Morning Announcements Are Now Musical Revues
Each day begins with a student-led rendition of “Born This Way” accompanied by flag twirling and a therapeutic drum circle. The P.A. system has been replaced with a Bluetooth disco ball that announces daily affirmations like: “You are enough, even if your math grade isn’t.”
Attendance is taken via voguing.
One janitor claimed, “I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I just mop around the drag runway.”
History Is Now Just LGBTQ+ Awareness Month with Homework
Instead of learning about the Founding Fathers, students now write essays titled: “Why the Stonewall Riots Were More Important Than the Boston Tea Party.”
One class was assigned a project tracing the queer influences on the Harlem Renaissance. When a student asked about George Washington, the teacher said, “He was probably bi-curious.”
Parents at one PTA meeting requested balance. The school agreed and scheduled “Straight Awareness Week,” which consisted of a PowerPoint on mayonnaise and cargo shorts.
Math Class? More Like Gayth Class
A fifth grader’s math test included the question: “If Riley has two moms and one transitions to a dad, how many parents does Riley have post-transition if emotional labor is divided equally?”
Another test asked students to calculate the percentage of queer representation in Netflix shows, prompting one student to cry, “Math is homophobic!”
The teacher reassured them with a sticker that said “You tried, and that’s valid.”
The Library Is Now an LGBTQ+ Shrine
The Dewey Decimal system has been replaced with the RuPaul Reading Rainbow. Every shelf includes books with titles like My First Pride March, Trans Turtles Can Too, and Coming Out: A Pop-Up Book.
The library’s “straight section” was reportedly reduced to one dusty copy of Old Yeller and a shrink-wrapped DVD of Leave It to Beaver.
Gym Class Is All About Expressing Your Authentic Lunges
Push-ups have been replaced with “emotional stretching.” Dodgeball is banned for being too aggressive, and capture the flag now involves reclaiming the pronoun of your choice from a colonial framework.
One gym teacher said, “I used to yell at kids to do sit-ups. Now I yell, ‘Love your inner queerness, Brad!’”
The Flagpole Looks Like a Drag Show Dressing Room
Alongside the American flag now flies the Progress Pride Flag, the Leather Subculture Banner, and something called the “Neon Inclusive Flame,” which was crowd-designed by middle schoolers on Canva.
Each morning, the flags are raised to “It’s Raining Men.”
Veterans groups raised concerns, to which the district replied: “Veterans are welcome to be allies.”
The PTA is Now the QTA: Queer Teacher Association
Meetings start with introductions that include names, pronouns, and a favorite quote from Audre Lorde. The bake sale was canceled due to microaggressions in the cookie labeling.
One dad tried to donate hot dogs and was banned for promoting phallic heteronormativity.
Show-and-Tell Has Become Group Therapy
Gone are pets and trophies. Now, Timmy brings his emotional landscape journal. Madison shares her plush toy that represents neurodivergence. One child brought their houseplant and declared, “This is my nonverbal support organism.”
The teacher cried. The plant got tenure.
Detention Is Now “Restorative Rainbow Time”
Instead of writing lines on a chalkboard, students in trouble must write apology haikus and perform them under a spotlight while wearing “Empathy Ears” (felt rabbit ears covered in pronouns).
One student caught cheating was asked to write a poem titled “Why I Centered My Trauma in the Wrong Context.”
The Dress Code Is Now a Moodboard
Gone are rules against crop tops. Now students are required to wear expressive garments that symbolize their inner chaos.
One boy was sent home for wearing jeans, which the dean described as “emotionally repressive denim.”
A new rule states: All students must wear at least one visible symbol of fluidity.
Geography Class Replaced by Drag Queen World Tour Map Skills
Instead of countries and capitals, students are asked to trace the career of Bianca Del Rio from New Orleans to Netflix. One test question asked: “What is the latitude of Lady Gaga’s influence over post-modern queer youth?”
A concerned mom said, “My son came home asking where the Stonewall Inn was but couldn’t find France on a map.”
The school replied, “France is problematic anyway.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
Larry David: “You want to know how gay the curriculum is? My nephew thinks history started with RuPaul and ended with Ellen.”
Jackie Mason: “In my day, school was for learning. Now? It’s a damn Pride parade with calculators.”
Amy Schumer: “They told my niece she couldn’t say ‘boys and girls’ in class anymore. So she says ‘You there in the corporeal form of a youth—pass the glue stick.’”
Evidence That Absolutely Proves Nothing but Sounds Convincing
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Testimonial: A Kentucky dad claims his daughter was suspended for refusing to use the term “zebra-fluid.” Turns out she misheard “zero fluid” in science class.
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Social Science Study: A made-up 2024 PewPoll found 61% of middle schoolers could explain pansexuality but only 12% could define “mitosis.”
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Digital Evidence: Screenshots of a 4th-grade reading list included The Genderbread Person’s Revenge and LGBTQia+ and the Sorcerer’s Intersectionality.
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Relationship Evidence: A parent council president was overheard saying, “If you’re not rainbow-certified, you can’t supervise the Valentine’s Day party.”
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Trace Evidence: Forensics found glitter in the HVAC system of 37 schools across Portland, believed to be the result of a rogue “Rainbow Bombing” initiative by a local Drag STEM Club.
Conclusion: From ABCs to LGBTQs—The Satirical Spectacle of Educational Overreach
Of course, the reality is far more nuanced. But satire exists not to deny nuance, but to skewer the lack of it.
Are LGBTQ+ students and families seeking inclusion and dignity? Absolutely.
Are some school districts overcompensating with curriculum resembling a Glee episode directed by Karl Marx? Possibly.
Is your kid being groomed by a drag puppet named Sparkle McConsent? Probably not.
But when every spelling word ends in “-queer” and the mascot goes by “Mx. Wiggles,” maybe—just maybe—we’ve wandered a bit off course from Hooked on Phonics.
DISCLAIMER: This article was composed by two freedom-loving sentient beings: one cowboy, one farmer, both fluent in satire and stocked with emotional support chickens. No bots. No glitter. Just grit.
LGBTQ+ In Schools
15 Observations on “How the Gays Are Taking Over the Schools”
1. Curriculum Glitter Bombs
Every new LGBTQ+ lesson plan is now required to be sealed with a kiss and a light dusting of glitter. Kids leave school sparkling like they were hugged by a disco ball.
2. The LGBTQ+ Alphabet Soup is Replacing the Actual Alphabet
A is for Asexual. B is for Bisexual. C is for Cisgender, which is apparently wrong now. D is for Drag. E is for… wait, when do we get to Elephant?
3. The Cafeteria Now Serves Vegan Pride Tacos
Every Tuesday is now “Tofu & Tolerance Day,” and if you don’t accept both, you’re labeled lactose-intolerant and love-intolerant.
4. School Mascots Have Pronouns
The football team changed from the Tigers to “They/Thems.” The cheer? “Go team…or don’t…you’re valid either way!”
5. Morning Announcements Begin with Broadway Numbers
Attendance is taken only after a student performs a quick chorus of “I Am What I Am.”
6. LGBTQ+ History Month Has Become a Semester
They now dedicate an entire semester to the historical significance of Elton John’s sunglasses.
7. Math Word Problems Now Include Same-Sex Couples
“If Brad has two daddies and they each earn 75k a year, how long will it take before Brad can afford therapy to unpack why he’s in this math problem?”
8. The Library Only Stocks Coming Out Stories
Even the “Where’s Waldo?” books were edited. Now Waldo comes out in the final scene, and that’s the real reason he was hiding.
9. Gym Class Now Includes Interpretive Dance
Dodgeball has been replaced with “Express Yourself Movement Hour,” where students are graded on vulnerability and eyeliner precision.
10. The Flagpole Now Has Four Flags
The American flag, state flag, school flag, and a pansexual nonbinary pride flag large enough to be seen from space.
11. The PTA Is Now the QueerTA
Meetings begin with mandatory RuPaul recaps and end in communal crying about heteronormative lunch menus.
12. Show-and-Tell Is Now a Safe Space Showcase
Little Susie brought her hamster. Little Timmy brought his feelings about gender norms and a podcast.
13. Detention Has Been Rebranded
Students aren’t punished anymore—they’re “held in an inclusion incubator to process why they misgendered the lunch lady.”
14. New Dress Code: No Socks Unless They’re Rainbow
Students out of uniform are asked, “Are you expressing your authentic self, or are you still living a lie?”
15. Geography Class Replaced by Drag Queen World Tour Trivia
Can you locate where Lady Gaga was born? No? Remedial empathy class for you.
What the Funny People Say About LGBTQ+ in Schools
Support Group Edition: Comedians React to Woke Schools
Dave Chappelle
“They say ‘protect trans kids’—how about we protect ALL kids from bullshit? These schools can’t teach algebra but got PhDs in gender studies for 3rd graders?”
Actual quote: “Gender is a fact. Every human being in this room, every human being on Earth, had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on Earth.”
Ricky Gervais
“Schools are so busy teaching kids to question their gender, they forgot to teach them to question their homework. Little Kaitlyn can be a they/them but still can’t do 7×8.”
Actual quote: “Oh, you’re changing gender? Good for you. Stay in your lane, stay out of mine.”
Bill Burr
“Parents get arrested for missing a PTA meeting but have no say when the school tells their kid, ‘Hey, maybe you’re not a boy!’ Where’s the fucking consent form for THAT?”
Actual quote: “You can’t reason with these people! They took ‘live and let live’ and turned it into ‘you will comply.’”
Andrew Dice Clay
“Kindergarten used to be about naptime and crayons. Now it’s ‘Timmy, do you feel like a boy today or a unicorn?’ How about feeling like a kid who knows his ABCs?”
Actual style: Brutal old-school exaggeration with a sneer.
Roseanne Barr
“Teachers can’t discipline kids anymore but get to discipline their chromosomes? Maybe focus on keeping them from eating glue first.”
Actual quote: “They’re coming for your kids, your grandkids, and your right to think for yourself.”
Jimmy Carr
“Schools claim they’re ‘inclusive’—unless you’re a parent who disagrees. Then you’re ‘toxic.’ Funny how tolerance always goes one way.”
Actual style: Dark one-liners with a smirk.
Tim Allen
“We used to get ‘See Spot Run.’ Now it’s ‘See Spot Identify as a Cat.’ Maybe Spot should learn to fucking read first.”
Actual style: Grumpy traditionalist shtick.
Dennis Miller
“The same schools that can’t teach cursive want to surgically alter children’s bodies? That’s like a mechanic who can’t change oil offering to rebuild your transmission—with a butter knife.”
Actual style: Ranty, reference-heavy sarcasm.
Annika Steinmann Says Don’t Target Vulnerable Kids
LGBTQ+ In Schools
These takes critique the system, not the students—skewering the adults, bureaucrats, and ideological overreachers without punching down.
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Parents’ Rights
“Schools need a permission slip for aspirin but can socially transition your kid without telling you? That’s not ‘rights’—that’s a liability waiver.” -
Bureaucratic Absurdity
“The same district that can’t fix a leaky roof has a ‘Director of Equity and Rainbow Compliance’ making six figures.” -
Academic Decline
“Kindergarteners get LGBTQ+ history but can’t spell ‘cat.’ High schoolers can pick their gender but not a career.”
Astrid Holgersson is Aggressive (But Ethical)
LGBTQ+ In Schools
These lines go hard—but they punch up, not down. The target is incompetence, hypocrisy, and corporate fakery, not identity.
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On School Priorities
“They’ll cancel a kid for misgendering but ignore when he can’t add 2+2. Congratulations: You’ve raised a polite failure.” -
On Activist Teachers
“‘We’re underpaid!’ says the teacher with a ‘Resist’ poster, a Patreon, and a side hustle as a TikTok gender theorist.” -
On Corporate Exploitation
“Amazon sponsors ‘Pride Week’ at schools but won’t pay workers a living wage. But sure, let’s argue about drag queens.”
Sigrid Bjornsson Comments…
LGBTQ+ In Schools
1. Satire on School Bureaucracy
*”Schools can’t teach kids to read but have a ‘Director of Diversity and Inclusion’ making $150K a year to scold teachers about microaggressions. Maybe macro-teach some math instead?”*
(This mocks administrative bloat, not LGBTQ+ initiatives.)
2. Satire on Corporate Exploitation of Social Issues
“Walmart puts rainbows on everything in June while fighting unions. Yeah, nothing says ‘pride’ like exploiting workers and calling it progress.”
(Punches up at hypocritical corporations, not LGBTQ+ people.)
3. Satire on Political Hypocrisy
“Politicians scream about ‘protecting kids’ from drag queens but take NRA money after school shootings. Priorities: Ban the wigs, not the guns!”
(Criticizes policy failures, not LGBTQ+ performers.)
4. Satire on Activist Overreach
“Some ‘woke’ teachers care more about being Twitter famous than teaching. Congrats, your students can deconstruct heteronormativity but can’t write a damn cover letter.”
(Targets performative activism, not LGBTQ+ identities.)
5. Satire on Parental Outrage
“Parents lose their minds over a trans kid in sports but don’t show up to PTA meetings. Little Jason’s losing at dodgeball isn’t the crisis—his illiteracy is.”
(Mocks selective outrage, not trans athletes.)
6. Satire on Education Fads
“Schools replace history with ‘social-emotional learning’ but can’t explain why kids can’t read. Sorry, Timmy, knowing your feelings won’t help you calculate a tip.”
(Critiques trendy pedagogy, not mental health support.)
Want It More Aggressive?
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On Politicians: “They’ll ban a trans kid from the bathroom but let Congress trade stocks with insider info. Yeah, that’s the real threat to democracy.”
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On Media: “CNN cries about ‘misinformation’ while hiring war criminals as ‘analysts.’ But sure, let’s panic over drag queen story hour.”
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On Corporations: “Google fires employees for ‘wrongthink’ but censors Uyghur genocide reports to keep China happy. Pride month sponsorship, anyone?”
Summary: LGBTQ+ In Schools
Parents, Pitchforks, and the Public School Plot to Make First Graders “Fabulous”
Welcome to American education in 2025, where reading, writing, and rainbow compliance are the new holy trinity. At Blueberry Sage Elementary, phonics has been replaced by pronouns, gym class now features interpretive “identity sprints,” and lunch is gluten-free, dairy-free, and heterosexuality-free.
First graders are reportedly crafting gender identity flags out of popsicle sticks while failing to locate their own state on a map. Math problems involve polyamorous family dynamics. Geography exams include the phrase “Bianca Del Rio World Tour.”
School mascots now have they/them pronouns. Detention has been rebranded as Restorative Rainbow Time
. Show-and-tell? That’s just a TED Talk for kids with houseplants and gender-fluid hamsters. One teacher allegedly told a parent, “Your child identifies as a Level 3 Reader.” The parent replied, “Yeah, but can she read the book?”
Meanwhile, parents who ask for basic literacy are labeled toxic. A Virginia mom was escorted from a PTA meeting for asking, “Can we teach cursive again?” The school board suggested she reflect on her cis-privilege.
Psychologist Dr. Carl Nutters (author of Freud and Fro-Yo) warns: “If your child thinks gender is a Pokémon evolution, it may be time to log off TikTok and open a spelling book.”
And while drag queens read Heather Has Two Mommies to toddlers, administrators celebrate inclusion by banning Old Yeller for promoting toxic monogamy.
Is your child being educated or queer-coded into a pansexual interpretive dancer? We don’t know. But according to the Department of Education’s new motto—“It Takes a Village… and a Queer Studies Degree”—your parental rights now come with a rainbow disclaimer.
Auf Wiedersehen, Common Core. Hello, Common Queer.
Now available wherever pronouns are sold.
The post LGBTQ+ In Schools appeared first on Bohiney News.
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism
— LGBTQ+ In Schools
Author: Maren Eriksson
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