Whoopi Goldberg’s Vision of Racism
How She Sees Oppression in Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t just see race—she detects it, dissects it, and then files an official complaint. When most people hear the word “white,” they think of a color. Whoopi? She hears a dog whistle. It’s why she recently declared The White Lotus to be too Caucasian. The show, which features wealthy elites behaving badly at luxury resorts, apparently didn’t have enough melanin to pass her personal racial purity test.
But Whoopi’s race-detection skills extend far beyond television. She can sense white supremacy in things most people wouldn’t even consider racist—like snow, chess, and even cauliflower.
The Racist Nature of Snow
Whoopi has allegedly been investigating why snow is always white. “Why doesn’t it snow in a more inclusive shade of brown?” she recently mused on The View. She believes snow is part of an ancient conspiracy to promote whiteness as the default color of the world. If climate change results in less snowfall, she considers it a win for diversity.
A team of Whoopi-approved scientists is currently developing Diversity Snow, which melts equally in all neighborhoods and doesn’t require shoveling by marginalized communities.
White Noise: The Silencing of Diversity
According to Whoopi, white noise machines are just another tool of oppression. Why do people want to fall asleep to something called white noise? What happened to black noise, Latino noise, or Pan-African ambient sounds? She has proposed a new line of Culturally Equitable Sleep Machines that will play the soothing sounds of historical protests, spoken-word poetry, and the gentle clatter of bamboo wind chimes made by indigenous artisans.
Chess: A Game of Systemic Oppression
Chess is one of the most blatantly racist games in history, according to Whoopi. The fact that white pieces move first is a direct symbol of racial hierarchy. “The entire game is structured around the idea that white dominates black,” she explained in a recent interview. “We need to rethink this game before we continue poisoning young minds.”
She has personally submitted a new version of chess to the International Chess Federation. In her version, all pieces are the same color and each move must be pre-approved by a diversity and inclusion panel.
The Oreo Conundrum: A Subtle Message of Superiority
Whoopi is deeply suspicious of Oreos, which she believes were designed to subconsciously reinforce racial power structures. A black cookie with white stuffing? That’s not a coincidence—it’s a message. “Why is the black part of the cookie being forced to contain whiteness?” she asked a confused Nabisco representative during a panel discussion. “Who approved this?”
She has proposed a new, socially responsible cookie where the filling is a blend of multiple colors, ensuring no single race dominates the snack.
The Problem with The White House
One of Whoopi’s longest-running campaigns is to rename The White House. “The name itself implies a certain kind of supremacy,” she argued on air. “At the very least, we should consider calling it The Inclusive House.”
She has suggested that, if a full rebrand isn’t possible, the building should be repainted in a gradient of earth tones to symbolize the country’s diversity. A proposed color scheme includes Guilt Beige, Apology Tan, and We’re Working On It Mauve.
The Tyranny of Black Friday
Why is Black Friday associated with chaos, excessive spending, and mass hysteria while White Christmas is seen as a peaceful, joyful holiday? Whoopi believes this is another example of the system devaluing blackness. She is pushing for Black Friday to be renamed Historically Exploited Shopping Event and is demanding reparations in the form of gift cards.
The Racist Implications of Cauliflower
Whoopi refuses to eat cauliflower. “It’s like the vegetable equivalent of gentrification,” she says. “It’s trying to take over where broccoli naturally belongs.” She has accused grocery stores of whitewashing the produce aisle by prioritizing cauliflower over culturally significant vegetables like collard greens.
A Whoopi-backed organization, Veggies for Justice, has begun lobbying supermarkets to stock more racially inclusive vegetables. Their recent efforts include demanding that quinoa be officially labeled as “Colonial Millet.”
Beethoven: The Problematic Composer
Whoopi has also turned her attention to classical music, demanding that we acknowledge the problematic legacy of Ludwig van Beethoven. “People act like Beethoven was some kind of genius,” she scoffed. “But no one talks about how his powdered wigs were a blatant display of European privilege.”
She is currently advocating for orchestras to replace Beethoven’s symphonies with Afrobeat remixes and slam poetry readings.
Eggs: A Culinary Microaggression
Why do egg whites get all the respect while egg yolks are dismissed as unhealthy? Whoopi believes this is another example of how society uplifts whiteness while degrading other colors. She has proposed renaming egg whites “oppressively purified ovum extract” while rebranding yolks as “nutritionally marginalized spheres.”
The Future of Whoopi’s Racial Investigations
Whoopi’s work is far from over. She has pledged to continue uncovering hidden racial messages in everyday life. Next on her list? Investigating the racial undertones of vanilla ice cream, the oppressive nature of white wedding dresses, and why ghosts are always portrayed as white.
Her efforts may be controversial, but one thing is certain—if there’s even a hint of racism in something, Whoopi Goldberg will find it. And if there isn’t, she’ll find a way to put it there.
Whoopi Goldberg Declares ‘White Lotus’ Too Caucasian, Calls for More Racially Balanced Fictional Resorts
15 Observations on Whoopi’s Color Vision
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Whoopi Sees Race Like the Terminator Sees Threats
The moment Whoopi hears “White” in anything, her internal scanner lights up like a Christmas tree. “TARGET IDENTIFIED: TOO CAUCASIAN. ENGAGE COMMENTARY MODE.” -
The Color Wheel of Oppression
According to Whoopi, every color has a secret agenda. White? Colonization. Black? Appropriation. Red? Cultural erasure. Blue? A sign of police brutality. Green? Capitalism. Yellow? A traffic light that won’t commit. -
She’s About to Sue Snow for Being Racist
Winter is clearly a hate crime. Why is snow always white? Why does it insist on blanketing the world in racial supremacy? “Mother Nature needs to diversify its color palette.” — Whoopi Goldberg, probably. -
Whoopi Goldberg’s Synesthesia Only Detects Racism
Some people hear colors or taste sounds. Whoopi smells microaggressions in the air like a truffle pig sniffing out prejudice. -
‘Black Friday’ is Still Suspicious
If “White Lotus” is too white, then why is Black Friday a day of discounts and chaos? Clearly, consumerism is conspiring against the Black community. -
Chess is Problematic, and So is Checkers
Chess is racist because white moves first. Checkers is racist because red and black are forced to fight each other. Backgammon? That’s just colonialism with dice. -
Every Zebra is Engaged in a Silent Civil Rights Battle
Black and white stripes existing in harmony? Whoopi knows that’s a fragile truce. One wrong move, and the white stripes take over the whole animal. -
She Demands They Rename the TV Show ‘White Collar’
White-collar crime? Too positive. Why not “Rich Criminals Who Are Definitely Not Innocent Because They Went to Harvard”? -
She’s Petitioning for a ‘50 Shades of Gray’ Investigation
Is the book really about BDSM, or is it a slow indoctrination into racial ambiguity? Whoopi will get to the bottom of this. -
She Suspects Cauliflower is a Microaggression
Broccoli is fine. But cauliflower? That’s just albino oppression sitting on a dinner plate. -
White Noise Machines Are an Attempt to Silence Diversity
Why do people want to fall asleep to something called “white noise”? It’s erasing all other sounds, including those of marginalized communities. -
Beethoven Was Problematic Because He Had White Hair
If Whoopi had a time machine, she’d sit Beethoven down and explain that powdered wigs were perpetuating European privilege. -
She Thinks ‘The White House’ Should Be Repainted
Why not “The Inclusive House”? Or at least a fresh coat of socially aware beige? -
The Oreo Cookie Conundrum
A black cookie with white stuffing? Who signed off on this? “I want reparations in the form of an all-chocolate Oreo.” — Whoopi Goldberg, in a dream I had. -
She Demands ‘Egg Whites’ Be Rebranded as ‘Egg Privilege’
Why do egg whites get all the respect in omelets? Meanwhile, yolks are seen as unhealthy, lazy, and high in cholesterol. The system is broken.
Whoopi Goldberg’s Vision of Racism: How She Sees Oppression in Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
If you’ve ever wanted to see racism in places you didn’t even think possible—like a salad bar or a cloud—then Whoopi Goldberg is here to give you a masterclass in advanced racial detection. Forget about crime-fighting superheroes—Whoopi has the uncanny ability to see racial undertones in everything. No object, concept, or slightly beige-colored wall is safe from her ever-expanding radar of cultural injustice.
Recently, Whoopi had a visceral reaction to The White Lotus, a show about absurdly rich people vacationing in absurdly beautiful places. “It’s too Caucasian,” she declared. That’s right—The White Lotus has been accused of being too white, despite it being a satire on privilege, excess, and people who wear linen pants unironically.
But if you think Whoopi’s expertise stops at HBO programming, you are sorely mistaken. She has developed an entire theory of racial relativity, wherein she deciphers microaggressions, secret supremacies, and hidden biases lurking in everyday life. Here are 15 ironclad pieces of satirical evidence proving that Whoopi Goldberg sees racism in places no one else would dare to look.
1. Whoopi Sees Race Like the Terminator Sees Threats
Most people watch TV to unwind. Whoopi watches it like an NSA analyst looking for coded messages. The moment she hears the word “white” in any context, her internal scanner activates. “TARGET IDENTIFIED: TOO CAUCASIAN. ENGAGE COMMENTARY MODE.”
According to eyewitnesses, her pupils dilate whenever someone says white bread, white lies, or White Claw. When presented with a glass of whole milk, Whoopi reportedly whispered, “Not in my America.”
In an effort to balance things out, she has proposed renaming “white lies” to “historically marginalized untruths.”
2. The Color Wheel of Oppression
If colors could oppress people, Whoopi would be the one to crack the case.
- White is colonization.
- Black is appropriation (unless she approves of its use).
- Red is cultural erasure (sorry, tomatoes).
- Blue is a sign of police brutality.
- Green is capitalism.
- Yellow is… well, a cowardly shade, according to outdated cartoons.
- Orange? Suspicious, but we’ll get back to that.
Rumor has it that Whoopi has personally petitioned Crayola to release a more socially aware crayon box. The new shades include Structural Injustice Gray, Decolonized Fuchsia, and Post-Colonial Mauve.
3. She’s About to Sue Snow for Being Racist
You ever notice how it only snows in white? That’s right, folks—winter is a hate crime. Why does the snow insist on blanketing the world in white supremacy?
Whoopi is reportedly assembling a legal team to sue Mother Nature. “She’s been doing this for centuries,” Whoopi was overheard saying, as she pointed to a snowman in Central Park and demanded it be diversified.
Whoopi has also suggested that snowfall be required to alternate between brown and black flakes to “better reflect America’s diversity.”
4. Whoopi’s Synesthesia Only Detects Racism
Some people can hear colors or taste sounds. Whoopi? She can smell racism.
One time, she walked into a bakery and instinctively knew that all the sourdough bread was made by privileged hands. “I can tell,” she muttered, inspecting a perfectly baked baguette.
When asked what racism smells like, Whoopi simply responded, “It smells like a Whole Foods on a Sunday.”
5. ‘Black Friday’ is Still Suspicious
Whoopi wants to know why The White Lotus gets to be glamorous while Black Friday is synonymous with absolute chaos.
She believes that this is not a coincidence, but rather a systemic attempt to devalue blackness. Why is white associated with purity and luxury while black is linked to discount TVs and people fist-fighting over air fryers?
She is now calling for the renaming of Black Friday to “Historically Exploited Shopping Event.”
6. Chess is Problematic, and So is Checkers
Chess? Racist. White moves first. Enough said.
Checkers? Equally troubling. The game pits red against black in an endless battle for dominance.
Whoopi has suggested a new board game called “Racially Equitable Discourse,” where all pieces are the same color and take turns apologizing to each other.
7. Every Zebra is Engaged in a Silent Civil Rights Battle
Did you know zebras are walking microaggressions? The constant juxtaposition of black and white stripes creates an unspoken racial tension within the animal kingdom.
According to Whoopi’s latest book “Nature’s Unchecked Privilege”, zebras are a metaphor for America: two colors, constantly in conflict, never truly blending.
Rumor has it, she refuses to visit zoos that feature zebras, citing “historical trauma.”
8. She Demands They Rename the TV Show ‘White Collar’
White-collar crime? Too positive.
Whoopi believes that corporate fraud and embezzlement are whitewashed to sound harmless. She has personally written to the FBI, demanding that the term be changed to “Affluent Criminality.”
She also wants to rename “blue-collar workers” to “Historically Resilient Laborers.”
9. She’s Petitioning for a ‘50 Shades of Gray’ Investigation
Why is the book about bondage and control 50 shades of gray? Why not “50 Shades of Economic Disparity”, or “50 Shades of Systemic Oppression”.
Whoopi believes that the book was a secret propaganda effort to normalize racial ambiguity in an effort to erase cultural identity.
She has since called for a sequel titled “50 Shades of Woke.”
10. She Suspects Cauliflower is a Microaggression
Broccoli? Perfectly acceptable. But cauliflower? That’s just albino oppression on a dinner plate.
Whoopi has officially called for a boycott of cauliflower, citing its “problematic lack of melanin.”
She has, however, graciously made an exception for buffalo cauliflower.
11. White Noise Machines Are an Attempt to Silence Diversity
Why do people want to fall asleep to white noise? What happened to black noise?
Whoopi believes that white noise is a tool of oppression, erasing all other sounds—including those of marginalized communities.
Her new startup will soon be releasing “Multicultural Noise Machines,” which feature soothing sounds of social justice protests, spoken-word poetry, and distant conga drums.
12. Beethoven Was Problematic Because He Had White Hair
If Whoopi had a time machine, her first order of business would be to sit down Ludwig van Beethoven and explain that powdered wigs were perpetuating European privilege.
She would then demand that Mozart publicly acknowledge his role in classical music gatekeeping.
13. She Thinks ‘The White House’ Should Be Repainted
Why is it called The White House? Shouldn’t it be The Equitable House?
Whoopi has officially proposed a new government initiative to paint the White House in a mosaic of diverse colors. “If we can light it up in rainbow colors for Pride, we can paint it in a shade that acknowledges our nation’s struggles,” Whoopi proclaimed.
Proposed colors include Guilt Beige, Apology Tan, and We’re Working On It Mauve.
14. The Oreo Cookie Conundrum
A black cookie with white stuffing? Whoopi is convinced this was a metaphor engineered by Nabisco to subliminally reinforce racial hierarchies.
Her solution? A new Oreo, where both cookies are the same shade and the filling is “historically aware cocoa cream.”
15. She Demands ‘Egg Whites’ Be Rebranded as ‘Egg Privilege’
Why do egg whites get all the respect? Meanwhile, yolks are seen as lazy, high in cholesterol, and bad for your health.
Whoopi has proposed renaming egg whites “oppressively purified ovum extract.”
The yolks, meanwhile, are now “nutritionally marginalized spheres.”
Conclusion: Whoopi’s Vision Knows No Bounds
If you think Whoopi is stopping here, think again. There is no item, no concept, no inanimate object that cannot be scrutinized for racial intent. She is the Sherlock Holmes of seeing racism in places no one else thought to look.
And if you disagree with her? Well, that’s just another microaggression.
The post Is Whoopi Goldberg a Racist? appeared first on Bohiney News.
This article was originally published at Bohiney Satirical Journalism
— Is Whoopi Goldberg a Racist?
Author: Alan Nafzger
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