14 Books We Read…

14 Books We Read This Weak…

And We Regret It Deeply

We at Bohiney are dedicated to the fine art of reading, a pursuit that often leads us to strange, horrifying, and utterly baffling literary territories. This week, we stumbled upon 14 books that changed our lives—not for the better, but certainly forever. These books defy reason, logic, and, in some cases, basic literacy. If you enjoy the surreal, the absurd, and the deeply unnecessary, this list is for you.

1. “The Complete Guide to Competitive Sleeping” – Dr. Horace Doze, PhD, MD, Zzz

Summary: A 700-page manifesto on turning sleep into a professional sport, complete with training regimens, nap drills, and a foreword by an ex-World Napping Champion who fell asleep mid-sentence.

Review: Finally, a book that treats our daily naps with the respect they deserve. However, the chapter on “Extreme REM Training” resulted in several staff members getting fired for “sleep performance enhancement scandals.”

Best Tip: If you dream in 4K resolution, you’re overtraining.

2. “How to Cook Everything, Including Your Feelings” – Martha P. Ragequit

Summary: This cookbook combines gourmet meals with emotional coping strategies. Example recipes include “Passive-Aggressive Pasta Salad,” “Midlife Crisis Casserole,” and “Why Am I Crying Chili.”

Review: A truly cathartic culinary experience. However, we drew the line at the “Burn It All Down Brisket.”

Best Tip: When kneading dough, imagine it’s the face of your high school gym teacher who said you’d never amount to anything.

3. “Minimalism for Hoarders” – Clutter McGee

Summary: A groundbreaking self-help book for people who own 27 can openers and refuse to part with any of them.

Review: The book’s minimalist design (six blank pages and one bolded word: “STOP”) was inspiring. Unfortunately, we immediately lost it under a pile of old VHS tapes and unpaid parking tickets.

Best Tip: If you haven’t used an item in six months, it now owns you.

4. “The Existential Crisis Coloring Book” – Jean-Paul Markers

Summary: A collection of black-and-white drawings that question the meaning of life, featuring pages like “This Is Just a Chair, Or Is It?” and “Color the Void (Spoiler: It’s Always Black).”

Review: By page three, we were curled in a fetal position, questioning our entire existence. Highly recommended.

Best Tip: Use red for regret, blue for sadness, and gray for everything else.

5. “The 30-Second Workout: Get Fit Without Moving” – Dr. Chad Benchpress

Summary: A fitness guide promising an Olympic-level physique through sheer mental effort. Techniques include “Passive Cardio” (thinking about running), “Silent Yoga” (pretending to stretch), and “Aggressive Hydration.”

Review: We tried it for a week. The only muscle we worked was the one pressing the “order pizza” button.

Best Tip: Flexing in the mirror for 30 seconds counts as a full workout.

6. “The Complete History of the Future” – Dr. Nostradamus, Jr.

Summary: A detailed timeline of everything that will happen, including the rise of underwater real estate, the invention of edible cell phones, and a world war fought entirely through passive-aggressive tweets.

Review: Bold, visionary, and completely unhinged. It also predicted that you, dear reader, will stub your toe within the next 48 hours. (Let us know when it happens.)

Best Tip: Invest in socks. The future is very cold.

7. “How to Fake Your Own Death and Still Get Invited to Parties” – Leslie Vanish

Summary: A practical guide for escaping responsibilities while maintaining an active social life.

Review: The section on “Strategic Fake Obituaries” was surprisingly useful. However, our intern’s “tragic blimp accident” fooled no one.

Best Tip: If you “die,” make sure to invent a mysterious twin to RSVP to events.

8. “The Quantum Mechanics of Dating” – Dr. Max Planckton

Summary: A deeply unnecessary fusion of romance and physics, featuring chapters like “Schrödinger’s Relationship” and “String Theory: Why You’re Still Attached to Your Ex.”

Review: If you love both heartbreak and confusing equations, this book is for you.

Best Tip: Until observed, your crush exists in a quantum state of both liking and not liking you.

9. “How to Win Arguments With Your Dog” – Professor Bark Twain

Summary: A logical approach to debating your pet on issues like sleeping on the couch, eating homework, and why they refuse to respect your authority.

Review: After reading, our office dog now demands equal pay and refuses to answer emails outside working hours.

Best Tip: You will lose every argument. Accept it.

10. “The Tax Fraud Coloring Book” – Anonymous

Summary: A whimsical activity book full of fun deductions, offshore bank maze puzzles, and “Connect the Dots to a Cayman Islands Account.”

Review: We assume the author is now in prison.

Best Tip: We never read this book. You never read this book. We were never here.

11. “How to Stop Overthinking (And Why You’ll Never Actually Do It)” – Dr. Maybe Perkins

Summary: A book that attempts to help overthinkers but instead makes them question everything even more.

Review: We spent four hours debating whether to leave a review, then realized that reviewing it is exactly what it wanted us to do.

Best Tip: There are no tips. Only anxiety.

12. “Cooking With Legally Questionable Ingredients” – Chef Al Dente

Summary: A cookbook that asks, “What if we deep-fried things that should never be deep-fried?”

Review: We regret attempting the “Sautéed Taxidermy Surprise.”

Best Tip: If it’s still moving, it’s not fully cooked.

13. “The DIY Guide to Building a Time Machine (Without a Permit)” – Dr. Emmett Clockwork

Summary: A step-by-step guide that claims to teach readers how to manipulate time, using only duct tape and existential despair.

Review: Our attempt to travel back in time resulted in us missing last week’s staff meeting. Success?

Best Tip: If you meet yourself in the past, don’t high-five. It creates a paradox.

14. “The Art of Doing Nothing and Making It Look Productive” – Chad Lazerson

Summary: A brilliant analysis of how to appear busy while accomplishing absolutely nothing.

Review: This book is the reason our entire staff spent the week “in a meeting” while watching cat videos.

Best Tip: Always carry a clipboard. No one questions a clipboard.

Final Thoughts:

This week’s literary journey was both enlightening and deeply disturbing. We recommend reading at least three of these books—preferably while sleep-training for the next competitive napping championship.

Auf Wiedersehen, and may your bookshelf be forever filled with nonsense.

The post 14 Books We Read… appeared first on Bohiney News.