Mahmoud Khalil Returns to Gaza

Mahmoud Khalil Returns to Gaza, Immediately Files Customer Complaint

Mahmoud Khalil, the Columbia University student-activist-turned-Gaza-deportee, finally arrived in his beloved homeland, where he was immediately greeted with open arms, open sewage, and open air because there were no actual buildings left to house him.

After months of legal battles to avoid deportation, Khalil was finally removed from the United States—only to find himself in a place where the words “human rights violation” have a completely different meaning. Within hours, sources report that Khalil was seen pacing through the rubble, shouting, “Does anyone have a phone charger? Also, what’s that smell?”

A Warm Welcome from Hamas

In a heartwarming gesture of solidarity, Hamas leaders named him an “honorary freedom fighter.” They handed him a keffiyeh, an AK-47, and a set of instructions on how to tunnel his way to survival. Khalil expressed deep appreciation for the title but noted that it did “absolutely nothing for my stomach.”

“Hamas gave me a badge,” he told reporters, “but I was kind of hoping for, like… a meal. Maybe a cup of clean water? A bed? Something?”

From Ivy League to Iron Dome League

Khalil’s return to Gaza was initially hailed as a victory for student activism. Columbia University classmates cheered when he was deported, waving banners that read “Justice for Mahmoud!” They have since gone silent. Presumably, they are too busy organizing their next protest against the cafeteria running out of oat milk.

Meanwhile, Khalil was last seen rationing a single granola bar he had brought from JFK Airport. “I used to complain about meal portions in America,” he said. “Now I understand why my ancestors invented hummus—it’s the only thing you can make out of dust and sadness.”

The Activist vs. Reality

Before his return, Khalil frequently spoke out against America’s “imperialist oppression.” But sources confirm that after three days without a shower, he quietly Googled, “fastest way to get arrested by Israel” in hopes of being detained somewhere with plumbing.

The situation is growing dire, according to local witnesses. Khalil was last spotted trying to get an Uber out of Gaza. Unfortunately, all drivers in the area were busy either fleeing or launching rockets.

“I just— I just want to go back to debating politics in a Starbucks,” he reportedly sobbed.

A Columbia Student Speaks

Back in New York, a Columbia classmate who once led the charge for his release commented on his situation.

“I mean, we wanted him free,” said Ashley Goldblatt, a sophomore majoring in Social Justice Theory and Interpretive Dance. “But, like, we didn’t mean, like, free-free. We meant, like, free with, you know, amenities.”

When asked if she’d consider relocating to Gaza in solidarity with Khalil, Goldblatt laughed nervously. “Oh no, I have my internship at BuzzFeed this summer.”

Final Thoughts from Mahmoud Khalil

As the sun set on his third day in Gaza, Khalil sat among the rubble, reflecting on his journey.

“In New York, I was fighting for a cause. Here, I’m fighting off dysentery.”

While his heart remains full of passion, his stomach remains empty. As of press time, Khalil was reportedly last seen outside an IDF checkpoint, holding up a cardboard sign that read: “WILL PROTEST FOR FOOD.”

Funny “Helpful Content” for SpinTaxi Readers

What to Expect When You’re Expecting… to Be Deported to Gaza

• Housing: It’s open concept. No walls, no doors, just open.
• Food: Whatever fits in your carry-on, plus an unlimited supply of dust.
• Water: Available in two flavors: salty and disease.
• WiFi: Only if you count shouting into the void as “sending a message.”
• Medical Care: If you get sick, Hamas will either cure you with “resistance” or use you for propaganda. Either way, it’s free!

Tips for Returning Activists:

• Try not to look shocked when you realize you had it better in ICE custody.
• Avoid asking Hamas if they offer internships.
• Do NOT say ‘Actually, I prefer Starbucks over Turkish coffee.’
• If you see a tunnel, don’t ask if it leads to a Whole Foods.

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. If you take this satire seriously, please immediately enroll in a remedial reading comprehension class at Columbia. They need the tuition money.

Mahmoud Khalil’s Big Gaza Adventure: From Columbia Activist to Honorary Hunger Striker

Former Columbia University student, full-time activist, and part-time victim Mahmoud Khalil has officially returned to Gaza following his much-publicized deportation from the United States. The moment he arrived, however, sources report that he began experiencing an unexpected—and deeply inconvenient—side effect of freedom: extreme hunger.

“I fought so hard to stay in America,” Khalil admitted. “And now I’m fighting off hunger pangs. It turns out the real human rights violation is not having a drive-thru.”

The Grand Homecoming: A Warm Welcome Without the Warmth

Upon arrival in Gaza, Khalil expected a hero’s welcome. And in a way, he got one—just not the kind that included a hot meal, clean water, or an actual bed.

Hamas officials greeted him with cheers, fireworks, and a badge naming him an “Honorary Freedom Fighter.” He was also given a complimentary rifle, an inspirational pamphlet on martyrdom, and a Hamas loyalty card—after 10 protests, he gets one free grenade.

“I appreciate the gesture,” Khalil said, nibbling on the corner of his pamphlet in search of nutrients. “But I was hoping for something more substantial. Like food. Or maybe an actual shelter?”

To celebrate Khalil’s return, local leaders took him on a tour of his new home—an open-air, all-natural, roofless community space that, in previous years, was a city. “We call this the ‘Revolutionary Zero-Walls Housing Initiative,’” a Hamas spokesperson explained.

“But where do I sleep?” Khalil asked.

“On the ground,” the spokesperson replied.

“Oh,” Khalil said. “So it’s like a camping trip.”

“Sure,” the spokesperson said, nodding. “Just without tents, sleeping bags, or hope.”

From Campus Protests to Real Struggles: The Unfortunate Reality Check

Khalil, once an outspoken critic of U.S. border policies, quickly found himself struggling with a new and more pressing issue: the lack of basic human necessities.

At Columbia, he fought against “food insecurity” when the campus Starbucks ran out of oat milk. Now, he found himself wondering if pigeons were edible.

“I used to protest for a $15 minimum wage,” he reflected. “Now I’d protest for a $15 shawarma.”

In America, Khalil frequently gave speeches about oppression, colonialism, and the brutality of the U.S. immigration system. But after two days of eating nothing but a granola bar he had smuggled through airport security, he was last seen whispering to himself, “Maybe ICE wasn’t so bad…”

“Back in America, I had real problems,” Khalil said, recalling his time in New York. “Like when my Uber Eats order took too long. Now, I’m wondering if I can eat an Uber.”

Life Under Hamas: Not Exactly the Paradise Columbia Promised

Khalil’s Columbia classmates had always reassured him that Gaza was a land of dignity and resistance. But upon arrival, he discovered that it was also a land of starvation and sewage.

“It’s weird,” he admitted. “Nobody mentioned that Gaza has all the charm of an abandoned parking lot, but with more explosions.”

On his third day, Khalil tried to take a shower—only to learn that water was considered a luxury item. Instead, he was offered a “Freedom Fighter’s Bath,” which consisted of wiping his face with a damp cloth and pretending it helped.

In search of WiFi, he wandered through the ruins, holding his phone up to the sky like a lost traveler searching for a signal. “My Columbia professors assured me Gaza had a strong revolutionary spirit,” he said. “But they didn’t say anything about the WiFi being this bad.”

Even simple pleasures became a challenge. One evening, Khalil tried to sit and reflect on his experiences but was interrupted by the sound of Hamas rockets launching toward Israel. “I used to hate hearing police sirens in New York,” he muttered. “Now I miss them.”

A Brief Attempt at Hamas Leadership

In an attempt to fit in, Khalil tried to embrace his new life. He attended a Hamas leadership meeting, hoping to contribute.

“I have some ideas,” he said enthusiastically. “Maybe instead of firing rockets at Israel, we could focus on, I don’t know… rebuilding?”

The room fell silent. Hamas officials exchanged glances before one of them laughed. “You are funny, Mahmoud! No wonder Columbia loves you!”

Another leader leaned in and whispered, “We have ways of dealing with this kind of talk.”

Sensing danger, Khalil quickly backtracked. “I mean—of course, violence is the answer,” he said. “Silly me!”

He then awkwardly raised his fist in the air and shouted, “Death to—um, something!” to regain their trust.

Columbia Students React: ‘Wait, He’s Not Thriving?’

Back in New York, the students who had fought for Khalil’s freedom were confused by his complaints.

“We liberated him from the evil clutches of ICE,” said Ashley Goldblatt, a junior majoring in Social Justice and Interpretive Dance. “And now he’s upset? That’s so ungrateful.”

Ashley admitted that she hadn’t actually researched Gaza before supporting Khalil’s deportation. “But, like, it’s supposed to be a utopia, right?” she said. “I mean, I saw a TikTok about it once.”

When asked if she would consider moving to Gaza in solidarity with Khalil, Ashley’s eyes widened in horror. “Oh, no. I have my internship at The Guardian this summer.”

Meanwhile, Khalil’s former debate partner, Jason McMillan, was also surprised by his friend’s complaints. “He’s struggling? Weird. I mean, we saw pictures of Gaza and it looked so… revolutionary.”

When shown images of the actual conditions, Jason gasped. “Wow. That’s not what I saw on Instagram.”

The Final Straw: Mahmoud’s Escape Plan

On his fifth day in Gaza, Khalil reached his breaking point. He had gone without coffee, was suffering from WiFi withdrawal, and had started to hallucinate that the Hamas flag was actually a Starbucks logo.

At that moment, he realized: he had to get out.

Reports say he made his way toward an Israeli checkpoint, where he approached the guards and dramatically threw himself on the ground. “Arrest me!” he begged. “I love democracy! I love capitalism! I love—oh, what the hell, I even love the New York Yankees!”

One of the guards looked at him skeptically. “Wait—you’re the guy who was protesting against ICE?”

“Yes,” Khalil admitted.

The guard chuckled. “So you fought to stay in America, lost, got deported here… and now you want us to arrest you so you can be back in a civilized country?”

“Yes!” Khalil sobbed.

The guard smirked. “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.”

As of press time, Khalil was seen holding a cardboard sign that read, “Will Protest for Food.”

Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers: “Surviving Gaza as a Former Columbia Student”

Key Survival Tips:

• Don’t ask Hamas for oat milk. They don’t have it, and you’ll get side-eyed.
• WiFi doesn’t exist. So you’ll have to complain the old-fashioned way—by yelling into the void.
• If someone hands you an RPG, smile and nod. They might think you actually know how to use it.
• Don’t expect trigger warnings. Life here is the trigger.
• Avoid saying, “I miss ICE detention.” Even if you’re thinking it.

Food Options:

• Air. You’ll be eating a lot of this.
• Granola bars from JFK Airport. If you’re lucky, you still have one in your pocket.
• Random charity drops. If the UN sends in a food truck, be prepared to sprint.

Signs You Might Have Made a Mistake:

• You miss Starbucks more than your family.
• You’d trade all your social justice theory knowledge for a cheeseburger.
• You find yourself Googling, “Does Israel do asylum requests?”

Final Thoughts from Mahmoud Khalil

As the sun set on yet another day in Gaza, Khalil sat on a pile of rubble, reflecting on his life choices.

“In New York, I protested against capitalism,” he said. “Now, I’d sell my soul for a slice of pizza.”

Khalil then sighed and muttered the words no Columbia student has ever uttered before:

“I think I liked America better.”

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. If you think this is an actual news report, you may be eligible for a full scholarship to Columbia University.

15 Observations About Mahmoud Khalil’s Return to Gaza

1. He fought for months to stay in the U.S., but the second he lands in Gaza, he starts wishing he was anywhere else.
2. Columbia students chanted for his release, but they’re not the ones living in a tent and eating dust now.
3. He was hailed as a victim of “injustice”—turns out, the real injustice was the WiFi speed in his new bombed-out shelter.
4. After calling ICE “oppressive,” he now realizes oppression also includes not having running water.
5. Hamas gave him an honorary title, but he was really hoping for an honorary sandwich.
6. His Columbia classmates said he’d be “free” in Gaza. Nobody mentioned being free of electricity, plumbing, or edible food.
7. He expected hero’s treatment but got “do you want to hold the RPG or be the RPG?”
8. U.S. activists were outraged he was sent back, but not outraged enough to swap places with him.
9. He was celebrated as a symbol of resistance—now he’s resisting the urge to drink unfiltered sewer water.
10. A week ago, he was marching on campus; now he’s marching to find a place that still has working toilets.
11. He went from campus protests to camping without a tent in record time.
12. Turns out, ICE detention facilities have better food than a war zone—who knew?
13. He thought America was bad, but at least New York rats weren’t trying to recruit him for jihad.
14. When he complained about conditions in ICE custody, he never imagined he’d miss that place.
15. The activists screaming “From the River to the Sea” aren’t the ones figuring out how to make sea water drinkable.