Tariffs Are Just a Tool

Tariffs Are Just a Tool: Like a Hammer, a Wrecking Ball, or a Flamethrower

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that shocked precisely zero people, former President Donald Trump once again used tariffs like a construction worker trying to build a birdhouse with a sledgehammer. This time, his targets? Canada’s dairy industry, the fentanyl trade, and—of course—American patience.

But let’s be clear: tariffs aren’t just some arbitrary punishment. No, no, no. Tariffs are a tool. A sophisticated, precision-guided tool of economic diplomacy—much like how a bazooka is a tool for installing doorknobs.

“Trump uses tariffs like my grandma uses coupons—stack ‘em, slap ‘em everywhere, and hope for a deal.” — Jeff Foxworthy

Leverage or Just a Really Expensive Hobby?

Trump’s approach to tariffs is simple: if you’re not getting what you want, start taxing everything until the other guy cries uncle. It’s like haggling at a flea market but with entire national economies.

“The art of the deal is really about the art of making people very, very uncomfortable.” — Hypothetical Trump Memoir, Chapter 3: Extortion, But Make It Legal.

When Canada refused to budge on their 275% tariff on American dairy products, Trump did what any shrewd businessman would do: slapped tariffs on their steel, aluminum, and maybe even their maple syrup, just in case.

“If you don’t like my prices, I’ll just burn down the store,” said a theoretical business expert who totally exists.

Canadian Cheese Cartel? Say It Ain’t So!

Canada, home of universal healthcare and excessive politeness, might not seem like the type to run an underground dairy mafia, but apparently, they do.

Due to government protections, Canadian farmers have a near-monopoly on milk, making sure their local dairy industry stays profitable while keeping American dairy out. Essentially, they treat milk like OPEC treats oil—except it’s way harder to start a war over mozzarella.

“Tariffs are just Trump’s way of saying, ‘We were losing, so I flipped the Monopoly board.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

Trump, however, was onto them. He didn’t just want a better deal; he wanted to break the Canadian Cheese Cartel once and for all. If that meant driving up the cost of your morning bacon with steel tariffs, so be it.

“You can take my steel, but you’ll never take my lactose intolerance!” — Anonymous Dairy-Free American

Tariffs: The Wall Mexico Never Paid For

Another justification for tariffs? The good ol’ War on Drugs—a war that, much like the actual War on Drugs, involves a lot of shouting and very few victories.

Trump justified tariffs against China by arguing that they enabled the illegal fentanyl trade—which, to be fair, they kinda did. But he also figured that if tariffs could fix drug trafficking in China, surely they could fix it in Canada too.

So, naturally, he taxed Canadian steel because, as we all know, the first thing fentanyl smugglers do is forge themselves a brand-new bridge.

“You see, by making construction materials more expensive, we’re making it harder for drug dealers to build their secret underground lairs.” — Someone Who Definitely Knows How Smuggling Works

It’s Not Bullying, It’s Negotiation—Trump Style

Trump’s economic philosophy can be summarized as follows: the only way to win a deal is by making the other guy sweat harder than a rookie lawyer in traffic court.

So when Canada refused to lower their dairy tariffs, Trump threw their steel industry in a metaphorical headlock and didn’t let go. Why? Because, as every successful businessman knows, the key to any healthy negotiation is mild extortion.

“Some people negotiate with words. Some negotiate with money. I negotiate with economic catastrophe.” — Trump (probably)

The point isn’t the tariffs themselves. The point is leverage. Trump needed something to threaten Canada with, and since he couldn’t tariff their moose, he went after their steel instead.

A Tool, But What Kind?

So yes, tariffs are a tool. The real question is: are they a hammer, a scalpel, or one of those old, rusty wrenches that snaps off in your hand?

• If they work, Trump looks like an economic mastermind who bent Canada and China to his will.
• If they don’t, America just paid more for steel, farmers got screwed, and Trudeau gets to give smug speeches about free trade.

Either way, tariffs are like a grenade—you pull the pin, and hope the explosion happens in someone else’s backyard.

Helpful Content for Bohiney Readers

How to Use Tariffs in Everyday Life

• Dating Advice: Want a better relationship? Threaten to impose tariffs on your partner’s access to the remote.
• Workplace Negotiation: Boss won’t give you a raise? Implement a 20% “Lazy Employee Surcharge” on all tasks.
• Dealing with Kids: Son won’t eat his vegetables? Slap a 50% tariff on his video game time.

Remember: it’s not manipulation if you call it a “negotiation tool.”

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of this satire, though Canada’s dairy industry might need a stress ball.

15 Observations on Trump Using Tariffs as a Tool

1. Tariffs are just leverage, and Trump knows leverage. He’s the guy who walks into a car dealership and says, “I’ll take the car, but I’m tripling the interest rate until you lower the price.”

2. The man is playing 4D chess while everyone else is playing Go Fish. Canada thought they could just sit on their dairy empire, but Trump flipped the whole trade table.

3. Everyone cries about “trade wars,” but guess what? America was already in one—we just weren’t fighting back. Trump showed up like an uncle at Thanksgiving who finally calls out the cheap wine.

4. China was eating America’s lunch for decades—Trump just sent the check back to their table. “Yeah, we’re not covering this. And by the way, that dish comes with a tariff.”

5. People say Trump’s tariffs hurt America, but they never mention how they also hurt our competitors. It’s like complaining that the other football team has to run extra laps, too.

6. Before Trump, U.S. leaders just let foreign countries walk all over them. Trump took one look at Canada’s milk cartel and said, “Not on my watch, Justin.”

7. Trump understands that trade is about power, not politeness. If America is the economic heavyweight champ, why are we letting featherweights push us around?

8. A tariff is just an economic consequence for bad behavior. You speed, you get a ticket. You exploit America’s open markets? Boom. Tariff.

9. Trump wasn’t just negotiating with China, he was disciplining them. If they wanted to keep cheating on trade, they were gonna have to pay for it—literally.

10. Every businessman knows you don’t start a deal by being nice—you start by making the other guy sweat. Trump took the same strategy to international trade, and suddenly, the world was paying attention.

11. “But tariffs raise prices!” Yeah? And so does getting ripped off for decades. Would you rather pay an extra 10 cents on a Coke or let China own every U.S. factory?

12. When Trump put tariffs on Canada’s steel, they called it unfair. But what was unfair was the U.S. letting them overcharge for dairy while dumping their metal on us.

13. Trump used tariffs the way a master poker player uses a bluff. Everyone freaked out, but in the end, they folded first.

14. Tariffs weren’t the problem—they were the solution. They forced Canada, China, and Mexico to come to the table and admit, “Fine, okay, you got us. Let’s make a real deal.”

15. Trump didn’t believe in free trade—he believed in fair trade. And sometimes, the only way to make trade fair is to grab a baseball bat (or, in this case, tariffs) and even the score.

What the Funny People Are Saying…

Comedians on Trump Using Tariffs as a Tool

1. “People say tariffs are bad for business, but you know what’s worse? Letting Canada sell us milk like it’s a Louis Vuitton handbag.” — Chris Rock

2. “Trump’s negotiation style is simple: walk in, set something on fire, and then say, ‘Now let’s talk.’” — Dave Chappelle

3. “If tariffs are a tool, Trump is using them like a guy who just discovered a chainsaw and is ‘fixing’ everything.” — Bill Burr

4. “Trump put tariffs on steel to stop drug trafficking. That’s like banning spoons to stop obesity.” — Kevin Hart

5. “You think free trade is fair? That’s like showing up to a fistfight where the other guy has brass knuckles and you’ve got a participation ribbon.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

6. “Trump treats international trade like a bad relationship—if you take advantage of him, he’s keying your economy.” — Ron White

7. “Tariffs are like a cover charge at a club. Canada’s been sneaking in through the side door for decades, and Trump finally hired a bouncer.” — Larry the Cable Guy

8. “He tariffed Canada’s steel to get a better dairy deal. That’s like punching your neighbor’s dog because his Wi-Fi is too strong.” — Trevor Noah

9. “People say tariffs hurt consumers. Yeah? So does letting other countries rob you blind. It’s the economic version of ‘stop hitting yourself.’” — John Mulaney

10. “If Trump ran a lemonade stand, he’d charge the neighbor kids a tariff just to cross the street.” — Jim Gaffigan

11. “Trump doesn’t believe in free trade. He believes in ‘This was free until I caught you stealing.’” — Tom Segura

12. “Trade deals with Trump are like gym memberships—you sign up thinking you’re getting a deal, but suddenly, you owe him $40 billion a year.” — Joe Rogan

13. “Trump put tariffs on China like a dad punishing his kid: ‘If you can’t share your toys fairly, NO ONE gets to play.’” — Adam Sandler

The post Tariffs Are Just a Tool appeared first on Bohiney News.