Age Verification Laws & the Skincare Market

​The Wrinkle-Free Dystopia: How Age Verification Laws Are Crushing the Skincare Black Market

The War on Moisturization

It started with pornography. Lawmakers, convinced that the internet was a lawless wasteland corrupting the youth, passed sweeping age-verification bills requiring adults to surrender their IDs before accessing “adult content.” But as is the natural order of all government overreach, it didn’t stop there. In an unprecedented turn, the great legislative minds of our time have decided that the real crisis plaguing America is not economic instability, not healthcare, not climate change—but teenagers getting their hands on anti-aging skincare products.

Yes, dear reader, we are now living in a world where an 18-year-old can enlist in the military, take out crippling student loans, and drive an SUV the size of a small tank—but buying a bottle of retinol serum? Not without an ID.

The Fountain of Bureaucracy

The logic, if you can call it that, is simple: certain skincare ingredients—like retinol, tretinoin, and various acids—can be “harmful” if used improperly. Lawmakers, always eager to protect the nation from itself, have declared war on the reckless and irresponsible youth who dare to seek out wrinkle-free skin before they’ve even graduated high school.

“We can’t allow teenagers to access these potent, age-defying formulas,” said Senator Beauregard T. Wrinklestan (R—Florida). “If kids start using these products too early, they may never develop the natural suffering that builds character. Wrinkles are a rite of passage—like jury duty or being disappointed in your 401(k).”

Under this new law, any online purchase of skincare products will require a government-issued ID, and in some cases, an in-person verification process overseen by a state-licensed dermatologist who will evaluate whether the buyer truly needs the product. (“Ma’am, I see some crow’s feet forming. Approved.”).

Grandma Goes Underground

One of the most immediate victims of this legislative crackdown has been the elderly. While teenagers can still buy enough caffeine to stop their hearts, Grandma’s access to wrinkle-reducing night cream now depends on passing a retina scan and answering security questions about her childhood address.

“I tried to buy my usual collagen serum online,” says 73-year-old Helen Goldberg, a retired librarian. “Next thing I know, I’m being flagged for fraud and accused of identity theft. Apparently, the government thinks it’s suspicious that someone my age is trying to look younger.”

The burden has driven many older citizens into the arms of illegal skincare dealers. In shadowy alleyways and backrooms of assisted living centers, enterprising individuals are moving retinol by the ounce.

“Got that Neutrogena stuff, but if you’re looking for the heavy-duty goods, I got prescription tretinoin—straight from Canada,” whispers a 62-year-old kingpin known only as “Moisturizer Mike.” “No fillers, no parabens, just pure, uncut hydration.”

The Teen Epidemic: Youthful Skin Gone Wild

Lawmakers claim the restrictions are necessary because of the rising epidemic of underage skincare abuse. Their evidence? A shocking number of 16-year-olds using anti-aging products despite having no wrinkles whatsoever.

“When I was young, we didn’t even think about skincare,” said Senator Oldman McGee (D—Wyoming), “We just accepted the ravages of time like real Americans. These kids today? They want to prevent aging before it starts. That’s not natural. That’s some kind of witchcraft.”

Reports from school nurses indicate that teenagers are developing unnervingly smooth skin, resembling either fresh plastic or terrifying Renaissance paintings. “I saw a 17-year-old the other day whose face was completely poreless,“ said one high school administrator. “I had to suspend him for being unnatural.”

Some districts have even started randomly checking students’ bags for contraband anti-aging products. One Texas high school implemented a “Moisturizer Amnesty Box,” where students can turn in their illegal skincare goods without punishment.

“One kid tried to smuggle in an entire Korean skincare regimen inside his geometry textbook,” reported Principal Larry Grimms. “We’re talking essences, serums, overnight masks—the whole nine yards. These kids are getting way too advanced.”

The Wrinkle-Free Resistance

Naturally, teenagers aren’t taking these restrictions lying down. Underground skincare clubs have popped up in suburban basements, where minors exchange illegal face masks and discuss the importance of exfoliation.

“We have to stay vigilant,” says one anonymous member of the resistance, known only as “Poreless Paul.” “The government wants us to age. They want us to look like tired husks by 25. We can’t let that happen.”

Paul and his fellow rebels trade beauty tips like wartime spies. Code phrases have emerged to identify fellow enthusiasts:

• “The night is dark and full of free radicals.”
• “Have you heard of the 10-step routine?”
• “Hydrate or die.”

Authorities recently raided one such club, finding an elaborate skincare speakeasy complete with a hidden refrigerator stocked with chilled eye creams.

“We expected to find drugs,” said Officer Joe Wrinkleson. “Instead, we found kids lying in dark rooms with sheet masks on, talking about skin elasticity. It was horrifying.”

Benjamin Button’s Dilemma: When Age Reverses Too Quickly

The unintended consequence of this legislation? Many young people—desperate to hold onto their precious skincare—are now aging in reverse.

Reports have surfaced of teens so aggressively moisturizing that they appear to be de-aging at an alarming rate. One high school senior, Alex Martinez, was recently mistaken for a middle schooler.

“I just wanted to avoid fine lines,” Alex sobbed, “but now I can’t even get into an R-rated movie without my parents.”

In response, dermatologists are urging caution.

“While it’s important to maintain a healthy skincare routine, excessive anti-aging measures can lead to what we call ‘Benjamin Button Syndrome,’” warns Dr. Linda Pores, an expert in facial elasticity. “If you reach a point where you’re carded at a playground, it may be time to scale back.”

The Future of the Wrinkle-Free Generation

As age verification policies expand, the question remains: What’s next? If protecting the nation’s youth from skincare is the government’s top priority, why stop there?

Proposed legislation suggests that minors may soon need ID to purchase SPF sunscreen, because “you should earn your sun damage the hard way.” Other lawmakers have considered bans on water, arguing that excessive hydration is an unnatural shortcut to healthy skin.

“These kids today drink water like it’s going out of style,” rants Congressman Louie Leatherface. “When I was young, we stayed dehydrated and proud. That’s what built America.”

Experts predict that if current trends continue, American youth will soon be forced to age naturally—without the protective barrier of moisturizers, retinoids, or even basic hydration. By age 30, they will look 50. By 40, they will resemble relics of the Old West.

The government, meanwhile, remains steadfast.

“We are committed to ensuring a nation of equal aging,” says a White House press release. “No one should have an unfair advantage in their battle against Father Time.”

So the message is clear: Wrinkles are a sign of virtue. Youthful skin is a gateway to corruption. And if you want to fight the cruel march of time? Well, you better have your ID ready.

A “Helpful” Guide for Staying Legal in the Age of Skincare Prohibition

1. Always carry a government-issued ID when purchasing anti-aging products. If you can legally drink but not legally buy a moisturizer, congratulations! You live in America.

2. Use the “Wink-Wink” method. At some stores, pharmacists may sell you illegal skincare under the guise of “sunburn treatment” or “extreme wind protection.” Learn the code words.

3. Seek out an underground esthetician. Many unlicensed skincare specialists are now operating out of abandoned shopping malls, selling high-quality hydration at a premium.

4. Trade with international smugglers. If you’re willing to pay extra, you can find anti-aging serums shipped from unregulated markets in Switzerland, South Korea, and—of course—Mexico.

5. Pretend to be an actor. Hollywood stars still have unrestricted access to skincare because their faces are “essential to the national economy.” Claim you’re in a very important indie film and you just might pass security.

6. If all else fails, flee to Canada. The border patrol won’t stop you if you say the magic words: “I just need a moisturizer, please.”

A Completely Human Disclaimer

This investigative report is a 100% human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed (or even mildly exfoliated) in the making of this article.

Stay hydrated, stay vigilant, and above all else—moisturize responsibly.