Adam Schiff’s Tesla

Adam Schiff’s Tesla: The Self-Driving Political Machine That Runs on Indictments and Renewable Outrage

A Green New Grift: How Schiff’s Tesla Became the Most Controversial Car in D.C.

Washington, D.C., is no stranger to political scandals. We’ve seen everything from botched healthcare rollouts to mysteriously disappearing classified documents. But nothing has rocked the capital quite like the revelation that Representative Adam Schiff, the former impeachment king himself, now owns a Tesla.

That’s right. The man who once tried to impeach a president for a phone call now trusts his personal safety to a vehicle known for taking creative liberties with lane-keeping. Some say it’s a simple car purchase. Others believe it’s an elaborate deep-state maneuver to get him closer to Elon Musk, a man who, until recently, was as welcome in Democratic circles as a Chick-fil-A franchise.

But the real scandal? Schiff’s Tesla has divided the political landscape like a highway median at rush hour. Republicans are livid, liberals are confused, and Tesla itself is probably trying to figure out if this is good or bad PR.

Autopilot or Auto-Puppet? The Self-Driving Conspiracy Theory

Elon Musk’s vision for the future was simple: a self-driving car that could whisk you from point A to point B without human intervention. Sounds a lot like Schiff’s career, doesn’t it? Just program the talking points, and let the auto-responses handle the rest.

Sources close to the Congressman say he loves his Tesla’s Autopilot mode, which lets him sit back, relax, and draft new impeachment articles while the car dodges potholes and lobbyists. However, critics have raised serious concerns:

• What happens if the Tesla suddenly veers right? Will Schiff accuse it of Russian collusion?
• If the car refuses to move forward, is it obstructing Congress?
• Does the touchscreen have a special “override” button labeled “Whistleblower Mode”?

Some conspiracy theorists claim Schiff’s Tesla is actually a mobile intelligence hub, gathering data on every stop, every detour, and every suspicious meeting at Whole Foods. Could this be the first fully autonomous political operative?

Impeachment Mode: Tesla’s Latest Feature for Career Politicians

Rumors have surfaced that Schiff’s Tesla has a custom software update: “Impeachment Mode.” According to a leaked manual, this mode activates the following features:

1. Auto-Litigate – The car automatically drafts legal arguments every time another vehicle cuts it off.
2. Override Constitution – If Tesla senses a threat (such as a Fox News broadcast), it immediately shuts down and reroutes to a safer location, like NPR headquarters.
3. Whistleblower Alert System – If the car overhears an overheated political conversation at a charging station, it automatically reports it to the nearest ethics committee.
4. D.C. Traffic Filibuster – If caught in traffic, the car extends its battery life indefinitely, much like Schiff’s monologues during congressional hearings.

One Tesla engineer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “We weren’t sure how to design a feature that just ‘keeps talking no matter what,’ but then we realized it was just a firmware update.”

Silence is Golden… Except in a Fully Electric Car

Schiff’s Tesla is as silent as a classified hearing, and that’s making people nervous. Washington thrives on noise—car horns, sirens, and the sound of senators screaming about the Constitution they haven’t read. But a car that moves without sound? That’s witchcraft.

A political consultant noted, “Schiff’s Tesla is a metaphor for modern politics: it’s completely silent until it crashes.”

And while the Congressman has fully embraced his new silent ride, staffers say he sometimes adds artificial noise to the car to make it feel more like home. Reports suggest he’s been testing a new sound package that includes:

• The gavel slamming from the House Intelligence Committee
• An endless loop of “I yield my time”
• The gentle hum of manufactured outrage

Tesla’s ‘Full Self-Driving’ Feature and Schiff’s Faith in Bureaucracy: A Perfect Match

Tesla’s Full Self-Driving (FSD) feature has been controversial, much like Schiff’s leadership style. Both rely heavily on pre-programmed logic, both make sweeping turns without warning, and both claim to be in control even when they clearly aren’t.

An AI researcher at MIT analyzed the similarities between Schiff and Tesla’s FSD mode:

• Schiff’s legal arguments: 85% confident but 40% accurate
• Tesla’s navigation: 85% confident but 40% accurate

“Both operate on a principle we call delayed accountability,” explained the researcher. “In other words, if something goes wrong, they just blame the previous administration.”

Charging the Grid… And the Political Landscape

Some Republican lawmakers are calling for an investigation into Schiff’s Tesla, suggesting it may be secretly funneling power from government-funded charging stations.

Senator Ted Cruz tweeted: “If Schiff’s Tesla is running on taxpayer electricity, that’s another impeachment-worthy offense. I demand a Senate inquiry!”

Meanwhile, progressives are struggling with their emotions. On one hand, Schiff is supporting green energy. On the other, Elon Musk is involved, which makes the whole thing… complicated. One Democratic strategist lamented, “It’s like if Bernie Sanders suddenly endorsed Bitcoin mining. We just don’t know how to feel.”

Is Schiff’s Tesla a Threat to National Security?

Some officials worry that Schiff’s Tesla could be exploited for intelligence gathering. A cybersecurity analyst pointed out:

• If the Tesla gets hacked, a foreign entity could monitor Schiff’s movements…
• …but then again, his schedule is probably just “D.C. to MSNBC and back.”
• If Autopilot malfunctions, it could drive Schiff straight to a bipartisan dinner—an event known to cause existential dread among career politicians.

Redefining ‘Whistleblower’ – The Car That Snitches

Given Schiff’s history with whistleblowers, some suspect his Tesla has been programmed to report infractions on the road. Sources claim his Model S has a feature called “Self-Righteous Mode”, which automatically notifies authorities if:

• Someone litters near a charging station
• A driver switches lanes without signaling
• A gas-powered car dares to park in an electric vehicle spot

One motorist complained, “I sneezed at a stoplight, and two seconds later, I got an email from a congressional ethics committee. This car is dangerous.”

A New Kind of Power Steering: Political Maneuvering in the Age of Electric Vehicles

For years, Schiff has been accused of steering the country in whatever direction suits his agenda. Now, his Tesla is doing the same thing—sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right, but mostly in circles.

Tesla engineers admit they’ve received several software complaints from the Congressman’s office, including:

• “Car refuses to acknowledge conservative traffic laws.”
• “Steering wheel feels rigged.”
• “Why doesn’t my Tesla respond to subpoenas?”

One frustrated mechanic added, “We told him that the car doesn’t run on hearsay. He said he’d have a panel investigate.”

Conclusion: The Future is Bright, But Only If You Can Afford It

At the end of the day, Adam Schiff’s Tesla is a symbol of modern America: expensive, polarized, and powered by an energy source that half the country doesn’t trust.

While some are outraged by his purchase, others see it as a hopeful sign—proof that even the most partisan politicians can find common ground with billionaire tech moguls, as long as the tax incentives are right.

For now, Schiff will continue to enjoy his silent, scandal-free commute through Washington. Unless, of course, Autopilot decides to take an unexpected detour… say, straight into a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser.

Because in politics, much like in self-driving technology, the road ahead is always uncertain.

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real Teslas, congressional hearings, or automated intelligence-gathering vehicles is purely coincidental… we think.