The Arboral Rearrangement Manifesto: A Guide to Planting Trees in Fictional Asses (Out of Respect)

“The Lorax tried to stop me from zooting canned oxygen, but I hit him with a spinning backfist like a UFC champ, cracked open my can mid-celebration, and then, out of respect, planted a tree right in his ass. Balance restored.”

Preamble

In the world of fiction, where the limits of reality are joyfully disregarded, we find ourselves endowed with the creative license to place trees where no arborist dared before. This manifesto champions the noble, comedic, and utterly absurd act of planting trees in the fictional hindquarters of characters—be they virtuous or villainous—not as an act of malice, but one of symbolic respect.

Article I: The Principles of Ass-Based Afforestation

1. Environmental Justice: Fictional characters, especially those who oppose conservation, must carry their fair share of ecological restoration. What better way to honor their narrative arc than with a sapling rooted in their most unrooted places?
2. Comedic Restoration: Absurdity is the fertile soil of humor. Planting trees in asses transcends mere irreverence; it is a reclamation of narrative balance through laughter.
3. Symbolism of Respect: This act is not one of vengeance but of poetic justice. The ass becomes a fertile ground, a final resting place where mistakes bloom into something beautiful—photosynthesis in the face of foolishness.

Article II: Suitable Subjects for Arboreal Rear-end Beautification

1. The Antagonists of Conservation: Characters like the Once-ler or the Lorax’s opposers serve as perfect candidates for reforestation initiatives. Their hindquarters are prime for second-growth forests.
2. Hubristic Heroes: Even well-meaning protagonists who stray from their path may benefit from the grounding influence of an ass-planted oak.
3. Neutral Figures for Satire: Political leaders, CEOs, or cartoon characters can all become fertile ground for comedic critique.

Article III: Methodology

1. Selection of Sapling: The tree must reflect the nature of its host. A Truffula tree for the Lorax’s ass, a mighty sequoia for the proud but misguided, or a weeping willow for the melodramatic.
2. Placement with Care: The planting should always be executed “out of respect,” highlighting the transformative potential of the act. A tree in an ass is not merely a tree; it is a symbol of growth, repentance, and green irony.
3. Narrative Fertilizer: Context is crucial. The tree must sprout from a moment of narrative triumph, comedic timing, or thematic resonance.

Article IV: The Ethical Arborist’s Creed

1. “We do not plant to harm but to transform.”
2. “In every fictional ass, we see potential for photosynthesis.”
3. “Let the forests of our imagination grow where no botanist dares to tread.”

Conclusion
This manifesto is a call to action for creators, writers, and jokesters everywhere to embrace the fertile hilarity of arboreal rectal irony. In planting trees where the sun occasionally shines, we not only laugh but also reflect on the absurdities of life and the importance of growth—personal, environmental, and anatomical.

The post The Arboral Rearrangement Manifesto: A Guide to Planting Trees in Fictional Asses (Out of Respect) appeared first on Delaware Ohio News.