Sleep Optimization

THE SLEEP INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX

Sleep Optimization: How Trying to Sleep Is the Reason You’re Not Sleeping

By Bohiney.com — Proudly 127% funnier than The Onion, even in our dreams.

Welcome to the Sleepocalypse

If you can’t sleep at night, don’t worry—it’s not you. It’s the $432 billion sleep-industrial complex whispering sweet anxieties in your ear. According to Oxford sleep scientist Dr. Vladyslav Vyazovskiy, the biggest myth about sleep isn’t that counting sheep works, or that warm milk helps—it’s the idea that you have any control over it at all.

In fact, Dr. Vyazovskiy argues that trying to “optimize” your sleep with gadgets, mindfulness, and spreadsheets is the modern equivalent of sending a fax to your dreams: pointless, stressful, and probably waking up your dog.

So grab your weighted blanket, power down your ring light, and silence your Circadian Rhythm Tracker 3000. Let’s take a melatonin-free trip through the absurd world of trying too hard to do something we used to do with our eyes closed.

You’re Not Sleeping, You’re in Beta Testing

Once upon a time, you got into bed and closed your eyes. Now you get into bed and launch Sleep Mission Control.

Step 1: Set your Oura Ring.
Step 2: Check your Blue Light Exposure Index.
Step 3: Sync with your Apple Watch, WHOOP strap, and your Fitbit Elite.
Step 4: Ask Alexa to play “Rainstorm over the Andes with Occasional Llama Noises.”
Step 5: Forget why you were doing this.
Step 6: Cry.

Dr. Vyazovskiy calls this “over-optimization.” We call it a sleep-themed hostage situation run by apps, influencers, and sleep coaches with too many vowels in their names.

Your Sleep App Thinks You’re Emotionally Dysfunctional

People today treat sleep like it’s a video game. “You scored a 63 in REM! You only entered deep sleep for 19 minutes. You’re losing to Deborah in accounts payable!”

When did sleeping become the Olympics of horizontal inactivity?

Last week, a Brooklyn startup announced their new AI sleep score tool: RestRank. It analyzes how “elegantly” you sleep and shames you with a personalized lullaby composed entirely of passive-aggressive xylophone tones.

“I thought I was fine,” said Carl, 34, who hasn’t slept since his app said he “slept like a divorced walrus in a blender.”

Stop Trying to Nap Like a Samurai

Influencers say, “The nap is an artform.” Which is true if you’re painting with Ambien and shame.

One guy on TikTok suggests 20-minute “Navy SEAL micro-rests” where you hover half-awake in a plank position. A woman in LA now sells Himalayan salt-infused nap pods that whisper inspirational quotes from Oprah as you drift off.

Vyazovskiy, the Oxford expert, suggests a simpler approach: Lie down and shut up.

Melatonin: Nature’s Placebo With a Publicist

According to a Harvard Medical Review, melatonin is less effective than watching old Bob Ross episodes while wearing socks with tiny sheep on them.

Still, the market for it is booming. There’s now melatonin shampoo. Melatonin cocktails. A new wellness boutique in Santa Monica offers melatonin aromatherapy foot massages—for your inner child.

But as Vyazovskiy notes, real sleep comes when you stop trying. Unfortunately, capitalism’s job is to make sure you never stop—not even to nap.

Sleep Coaches: Because Apparently You Need a Life Referee

Back in the day, sleep coaching was called “getting yelled at by your mom.”
Today, there are certified sleep performance strategists offering Zoom sessions at $300/hour to tell you, “Try relaxing your jaw.”

One Silicon Valley exec hired a sleep doula who coached him through bedtime affirmations like: “I release my fiscal anxieties. I am not Elon. I am worthy of rest.”

He then texted her at 3am asking, “Is it working yet?”

Sleep Tracking: The Surveillance State for Your Eyelids

How can you relax when your sleep data is uploaded to the cloud faster than your dreams can form?
Smart mattresses now email your partner to say, “Brian rolled over at 2:14am and probably thought about his ex again.”

Your bed has Bluetooth. Your pillow monitors spinal curvature. Your pajamas are WiFi-enabled and whisper affirmations like, “You are brave, beloved, and insulated.”

Meanwhile, Grandma used to fall asleep watching Wheel of Fortune with a meatloaf on her lap. And she lived to 97.

The Real Reason You Can’t Sleep? You’re Awake.

Vyazovskiy explains that sleep is not an achievement, it’s a biological state that emerges when the brain and body aren’t under siege by Ring notifications, fridge beeps, and the existential dread of Netflix auto-play.

In other words, sleep is the opposite of modern life.

We asked 500 Americans in a poll: “Why don’t you sleep well?”
Top answers included:

“I’m afraid my group chat will roast me.”
“My phone said it was time to reflect.”
“I don’t want to close my eyes in case I miss an email from Duolingo.”

Cultural Sleep Icons, Past and Present

THEN:

The Sleepy Dwarf.
Rip Van Winkle.
Grandpa snoring in his recliner with his mouth open like a startled trout.

NOW:

SleepTok influencers.
Biohackers who sleep in cryo-chambers.
Gwyneth Paltrow claiming she dreams in Latin.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Jerry Seinfeld:
“Why are we tracking sleep? It’s sleep! What’s next? A Fitbit for blinking?”

Ron White:
“I bought one of them sleep apps, and it told me I got four minutes of ‘deep sleep’ and seven hours of ‘worrying about my ex-wife.’ Sounds about right.”

Sarah Silverman:
“Sleep coaches are like ghost hunters. You pay them, they scare you, and you still can’t relax.”

Larry David:
“Sleep is the one thing you’re supposed to do alone, in the dark, and now it’s a group project with your phone. I hate it.”

Your Mattress Shouldn’t Have an Operating System

Sleep technology has jumped the shark—and landed on a memory foam mattress shaped like a Tesla.

One popular product is a bed that vibrates in sync with your circadian rhythm. Unfortunately, it malfunctioned last week and sent 600 people into synchronized seizures during a Taylor Swift dream.

Another bed promises to simulate the feeling of “floating in womb-like safety.” It retails for $7,400 and smells like chamomile and parental disappointment.

Just Sleep Worse. That’s the Secret.

Dr. Vyazovskiy’s advice boils down to this: stop trying. Embrace the suck. Go to bed knowing you might toss, turn, sweat, overthink, dream about your ex, and wake up sideways with drool on your chin.

And that’s fine. You don’t need to “win” sleep. You just need to give it the space to happen—like love, inspiration, and Amazon deliveries.

What Would Cows Do?

If cows can sleep standing up in the middle of a pasture surrounded by flies, surely you can sleep without downloading a third-party lunar alignment tracker.

Try this: skip the blue light glasses, the chamomile-bergamot vaporizer, and just stare at the ceiling like a disillusioned philosopher. You’ll nod off from existential exhaustion alone.

How Bohiney Staff Learned to Sleep Again

We ran our own experiment. For one week, Bohiney writers ditched their tech, wore analog pajamas (the cotton kind), and let sleep happen.

Results:

78% fell asleep faster.
22% still screamed “What’s my sleep score?!” in their dreams.
100% discovered their dog is a better sleeper than them.

Conclusion: The Myth Is You Need a Plan

The real sleep myth isn’t that 8 hours is a magic number. It’s that sleep is something to be conquered, optimized, tracked, and upgraded. It’s not a spreadsheet. It’s a nap. It’s not a competition. It’s a surrender.

And as Dr. Vyazovskiy reminds us: “Sleep is natural. The unnatural part is believing you need a smartwatch to do it.”

Auf Wiedersehen, insomniacs.

And remember—if you need someone to tuck you in, just call your inner child. Or better yet, unplug your router.

Sources:

Disclaimer:
This report is the result of a completely human collaboration between a cowboy who naps in haylofts and a farmer who dreams exclusively in corn subsidies. No AI was harmed—or even trusted—with anything this dumb. If you’re still awake after reading this, try melatonin. Or taxes.

Sleep Optimization – A wide close-up cartoon scene in the style of Toni Bohiney, focused on the central chaos of ‘The Bedtime Surveillance State.’ A nervous man lies in bed c… – bohiney.com

Sleep Optimization: The New Insomnia Starter Kit

1. We’ve entered an age where people are too tired to sleep because their smartwatch says they’re not tired enough.

2. Oxford sleep scientists now advise: “Stop trying so hard.” Meanwhile, America responds: “We’ll try harder at that!”

3. Sleep used to be the thing you did when the lights went off. Now it’s a competitive sport with tracking apps, wristbands, and REM leaderboards.

4. If you need five apps and two YouTube sleep coaches to fall asleep, you’re not tired—you’re in tech support.

5. Some people take melatonin. Others take mindfulness classes. Meanwhile, your cat falls asleep on top of your WiFi router like a narcoleptic monk.

6. The irony is people spend eight hours a day trying to be productive just so they can earn the right to sleep eight hours at night… but can’t.

7. The #1 sleep myth? That if you think about sleep more, you’ll sleep better. That’s like thinking about blinking until your eyes revolt.

8. The psychologist says to relax about sleep. In other words: “Stop stressing about your stress-relief process.”

9. You’re not an astronaut. You don’t need mission control to monitor your circadian rhythm.

10. Oxford says: Don’t force it. But society says: Have you tried meditating in infrared pajamas while listening to whale moans remixed by Deepak Chopra?

11. What’s your sleep score? My sleep app told me I’m clinically “medium-rested but emotionally congested.”

12. You don’t need to biohack sleep. Grandma fell asleep on the porch in a rocking chair holding a casserole.

13. Vyazovskiy suggests not thinking about sleep. Which is tough when your pillow is yelling “ergonomic orthopedic support memory foam!” at you.

14. The only ones sleeping well in 2025 are toddlers, drunk uncles, and whoever runs mattress startup ads at 2am.

15. At this point, the only real sleep hack that works is boredom. Which explains why people fall asleep during TED Talks about sleep.