Wichita Falls Outraged After Wichita Falls Ranked #1 in Nation for ‘Most Confusing Town Name’

Tourists report looking for the actual falls and ending up emotionally unfulfilled at a concrete ditch.

Published by Bohiney.com — where satire falls harder than the actual Wichita Falls.

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Welcome to Wichita (Not Kansas) (Also No Falls)

It finally happened.

In a national poll conducted by the Unclear Geographies Institute and sponsored by the American Society for Misleading Tourism, Wichita Falls, Texas, earned the dubious honor of being ranked #1 Most Confusing Town Name in the United States. Beating out heavyweights like Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, and Intercourse, Pennsylvania, Wichita Falls finally claimed a title no one wanted but everyone kind of expected.

The name “Wichita Falls” allegedly promises two things:

1. A connection to Wichita.

2. The presence of actual falls.

It delivers on neither.

The Scene of the Crime: A Concrete Embankment with Ambition

Thousands of disappointed tourists arrive each year, breathless with excitement, ready to behold nature’s grandeur. What they get instead is a slab of concrete channeling water like a retired urinal for a shopping mall fountain.

One visitor, Misty Connors of Portland, Oregon, summed it up:

“We drove 17 hours thinking it’d be like Niagara. Instead, it looked like someone poured their bathwater over a parking garage ramp.”

Local signage hasn’t helped. A city map available at the Chamber of Commerce shows “THE FALLS” in Comic Sans with an arrow vaguely pointing toward a drainage ditch and a faded Dairy Queen.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with Wichita Falls? It’s not Wichita. It’s not Falls. It’s not even trying anymore.”

Ron White: “They call it Wichita Falls ’cause Wichita Slips, Trips, and Breaks Its Damn Hip just didn’t have the same ring.”

Sarah Silverman: “The most action that ditch sees is from depressed ducks and confused geese in witness protection.”

Larry David: “I went to see ‘the falls.’ My GPS said I arrived. I stood there. And I felt nothing. It was like every relationship I’ve ever had.”

Amy Schumer: “It’s like naming a town ‘Boobtown’ and then giving tourists two elbow bumps and a shrug.”

The City’s Official Response: Gaslighting in Print

Wichita Falls City Council issued a bold press release, claiming the ranking was “an honor” and that confusion is “a pillar of the town’s historical mystique.”

“We are proud to be the nation’s most enigmatic destination,” the mayor said, while trying to read the word ‘enigmatic’ for the first time. “This is a town that keeps you guessing — mostly where the bathrooms are and what the hell you’re doing here.”

The statement continued with a request for tourists to “just squint a little” and “use their imaginations” when approaching the ditch formerly known as The Falls.

History of the Name: A Lie Passed Down Through Generations

Contrary to popular belief, Wichita Falls was not named after any significant waterfall. According to dusty oral tradition and even dustier municipal records, the original “falls” were:

• Possibly real

• Possibly 3 feet tall

• Possibly just a cow slipping on a wet rock in 1882

That original trickle was wiped out in a flood and replaced decades later with a man-made water feature, lovingly engineered by a team of unpaid community college interns and one drunk welder named Carl.

When asked about the reconstruction, Carl simply said:

“Yeah, I just aimed the hose downhill and called it good.”

The Rise of Confusion Tourism

The misnomer has become such a draw that Wichita Falls now banks on what city marketers call “Confusion Tourism.” The slogan: “Where Am I and Why Did I Come Here?”

Attractions include:

• The “Falls That Isn’t” selfie station

• A fake “Welcome to Wichita, Kansas” sign for ironic Instagram photos

• A city-sponsored scavenger hunt called “Find the Falls” (spoiler: you never do)

The tourism board has even floated rebranding the concrete ditch as a “hydro-meditation sculpture,” complete with benches, LED lights, and calming Spotify playlists to trick visitors into mistaking disappointment for mindfulness.

Local Businesses Cash In

Entrepreneurs are adapting quickly to the flood of bewildered travelers. New storefronts include:

• “The Falls Are Fine” T-shirt Co.

• “Emotional Cliffside Café” (built next to an actual cliff for people craving real elevation)

• “Sorry About the Ditch” souvenir shop, which sells tiny water bottles labeled “Captured Fall Water – Now with More Chlorine!”

A new Airbnb experience offers blindfolded guests a mystery tour of the falls “to preserve their expectations.” Upon removal of the blindfold, guests are offered a complimentary therapy dog and slice of lemon pie.

Schoolchildren Refuse to Learn Geography

The local high school, Wichita Falls Secondary of Possible Truths, has reported a dramatic rise in existential essays. One 9th grader wrote:

“If there are no falls, is anything in this town real? Is my mom actually my mom? Or is she just another tourist, emotionally abandoned by city branding?”

The teacher gave it an A+ and asked to use it as a graduation speech.

Meanwhile in Actual Wichita, Kansas…

City officials in Wichita, Kansas, released a diplomatic but clearly sarcastic statement:

“We wish Wichita Falls the best of luck sorting through their identity crisis. We recommend water therapy… with real water.”

Local TikTok influencers in Wichita, KS, have begun a trend titled #OurWichitaHasWater, featuring majestic footage of fountains, creeks, and the tears of Texas tourists.

Petition to Rename Town to “Not What It Says on the Tin, TX”

A group of fed-up residents started a petition to rename the city to “Not What It Says on the Tin, Texas,” garnering 12,000 signatures in two days. Alternative name suggestions include:

• Ditchville

• Faux Falls

• New Disappointment

• Notchita Falls

• Sad Creek Heights

Wichita Falls City Council said it will “review the petition sometime between never and when the ditch freezes over.”

Emotional Toll of a Misleading Name

The Mayo Clinic (Wichita Falls branch) recently opened a support group called “Falls Survivors Anonymous” to help disillusioned tourists cope with the trauma of unmet expectations.

One group participant, Brenda, sobbed through her retelling:

“I wore my best athleisure. I packed a waterproof picnic blanket. I took one look at the falls… and now I can’t trust any noun-based town names.”

Therapists have introduced a treatment plan involving reruns of Planet Earth and guided meditation featuring the sound of actual falling water, recorded live in Minnesota.

Local Artists Fight Back

The Wichita Falls Visual Arts Society has taken a more aggressive approach. Their new installation, “The Fallacy of Falls,” features:

• A giant inflatable waterfall that slowly deflates over 20 minutes

• A performance piece where an actor in rain boots stands in a dry gutter reading Yelp reviews

• A mural that reads, “Expectation is the waterfall of delusion.”

It was promptly defaced by a rival artist collective known as “The Realists,” who replaced it with a crude doodle of a duck peeing.

Future Plans: Lean Into the Lie

The city’s most controversial plan? Build a fake waterfall bigger than reality itself. Funded by a $19 million grant from the Department of Regional Distractions, the city has contracted Imagineering company “FauxNature” to design a 90-foot LED-projected waterfall complete with mist sprayers, waterfall soundtracks, and holographic bears.

It’s expected to open in 2026, just in time for the Annual Conference of Misdirected RV Owners, which Wichita Falls will be hosting by accident.

Satirical Sources:

• Wichita Zoo Declares All Critters Innocent Until Proven Hairy

• Prairie Dog Union Threatens to Burrow into City Hall

• Brantley to Host New Animal Conspiracy Show: “Tooth and Tail”

• Texas Zoo Admits Previous Mistake: Flamingos Were Just Drunk Cranes in Drag

• Steve the Raccoon Lands Record Deal After Viral TikTok, Album Drops Friday

• Raccoon Posse Demands Respect, Wears Tiny Sunglasses to Press Conference

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Auf Wiedersehen! Join us next week when we investigate if Wichita Falls’ second most visited attraction — the world’s littlest skyscraper — is just a tall boy beer can on stilts.

What the Funny People Are Saying About Wichita Falls…

Jerry Seinfeld:
“So you go to Wichita Falls expecting waterfalls, right? You bring a camera, a picnic basket, maybe a kayak. And what do you get? A sidewalk with a drainage problem!”

Ron White:
“I asked a local where the falls were. He said, ‘You’re standing in ‘em.’ I said, ‘No sir, I’m standing in disappointment wrapped in concrete.’”

Sarah Silverman:
“Wichita Falls is like a guy on Tinder named Chad Everest. You swipe right, meet up, and he’s just a damp staircase behind a Walgreens.”

Larry David:
“Don’t name your town after something majestic if it’s just a sad trickle behind a Sonic. That’s false advertising. That’s class-action lawsuit territory!”

Amy Schumer:
“Wichita Falls is the only vacation where your GPS sighs at you. Like, ‘Sweetie… you sure about this?’”

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