Winners and Losers & Trump’s “Productivity Club”: Where the Builders Get Rich and the Complainers Get Podcasts

When Donald Trump Jr. and Omeed Malik announced the opening of The Executive Branch — an exclusive $500,000+ membership club for America’s most ultra-productive, overachieving, and inconveniently based individuals — the tectonic plates under Washington D.C. shifted.

Bohiney Magazine (certified 127% funnier than The Onion) is proud to present a full satirical analysis:

• The winners: people who paid attention in school and turned their homework in early.

• The losers: people who still think an unpaid internship at NPR is the pinnacle of existence.

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The Winners: Builders, Hustlers, and Dealmakers

Donald Trump Jr.: The Valedictorian of Inheritance

Donald Trump Jr. is what happens when an MBA, a hunting rifle, and a Twitter account are left alone in a room and told to raise themselves.

While Washington losers are still arguing about pronouns, Don Jr. is fundraising, founding clubs, and dropping memes at Mach 3.

Personal Story: At the opening gala of The Executive Branch, Don Jr. closed five business deals, downed six bourbons, and rescued a bald eagle from an emotional support group — before 10 PM.

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Omeed Malik: Ivy League Avenger

Omeed Malik graduated from Columbia Law and promptly decided that “virtue signaling” was less lucrative than actual capitalism.

He co-founded The Executive Branch with the noble mission of separating the wheat from the whiners.

Quote from a Member:
“If Omeed Malik had been around in 1776, the Founding Fathers would’ve asked him to draft the Constitution — and he would’ve added a venture capital clause.”

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David Sacks: Silicon Valley’s Defector General

Once a PayPal mafioso, David Sacks saw the woke tide coming and paddled faster than a salmon in bear season.

Instead of wasting time designing “inclusive fonts,” Sacks was busy building billion-dollar companies that actually made things — like profit.

Observation:
“While Zuckerberg was inventing the Metaverse, Sacks invented a retirement plan that doesn’t suck.”

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Chamath Palihapitiya: Capitalist With a Conscience (and a Portfolio)

Chamath took Facebook stock options and parlayed them into enough money to buy three countries and a small moon if he wanted.

While his enemies were learning about “emotional labor,” Chamath was learning how to double market caps before breakfast.

Eyewitness Account: At the club launch, Chamath was overheard saying, “Feelings are for quarterly earnings calls — not decision-making.”

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Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss: Bitcoin’s Double Dragons

The Winklevoss twins rowed their way from the Harvard boathouse to the blockchain, creating crypto empires bigger than Zuckerberg’s ego.

Today, they walk into The Executive Branch with matching Rolexes, full crypto portfolios, and an attitude that says, “Yeah, we won after all, nerds.”

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Chris Buskirk: The Conservative Workhorse

Chris Buskirk is the rare pundit who doesn’t just talk about capitalism — he runs businesses on the side.

While losers organize town halls to talk about “reimagining capitalism,” Buskirk is too busy re-imagining how many zeroes he can add to his portfolio.

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Zach and Alex Witkoff: Titans of Real Estate (Under 30)

Zach and Alex Witkoff inherited not just money — but hustle DNA.

At the launch party, they bought three distressed properties, launched a real estate app, and ghosted a woke hedge funder — all while ordering shrimp cocktails.

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Karoline Leavitt: The Press Secretary With Fire in Her Tweets

While most communications directors sound like robots programmed by HR, Karoline Leavitt actually knows how to complete a sentence — and destroy a narrative — without crying.

She once issued a 600-word clapback faster than CNN could misquote it.

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Elon Musk: The Industrial Revolution In Human Form

Elon Musk isn’t just a winner — he’s a productivity tsunami.

He builds rockets, cars, tunnels, robots, satellite networks, and now apparently also builds the club memberships he’s too busy to attend.

Musk’s presence at The Executive Branch is so powerful he reportedly launched a new startup in the valet line.

Analogy:
Hiring Musk for productivity is like hiring a tornado to sweep your driveway — chaotic, unstoppable, and somehow magnificent.

At the opening gala, Musk was overheard pitching a brain chip that lets you file taxes and learn Portuguese simultaneously.
(Some say he already installed it in Don Jr.)

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Bernie Moreno: Car Salesman Turned Senate Powerbroker

Bernie Moreno once sold luxury cars. Now he sells freedom with the same persuasive tone.

He’s the only senator who lists “capital investment” under “hobbies” and “destroying socialism” under “skills.”

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The Losers: Crybabies, Slackers, Marxists, and Professional Complainers

While the winners of America were inside The Executive Branch sipping $500 glasses of Macallan and swapping deal flow like baseball cards, the losers were outside — huddled around a single iPhone hotspot, composing their next Change.org petition titled, “Ban Billionaires from Having Fun.”

Let’s meet the heroes of their own sad stories.

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Adam Schiff: The King of Make-Believe

Adam Schiff’s productivity includes:

• Five investigations

• Zero convictions

• Six Netflix pitches about his “heroic” journaling habits during committee meetings.

Eyewitnesses reported Schiff wandering the sidewalk outside The Executive Branch muttering, “This isn’t over,” to a tree.

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Justin Trudeau: The Prime Minister of Apologies

Justin Trudeau believes the only way to run a government is through frequent national apologies — including to snowbanks, moderately offended baristas, and the ghost of Pierre Trudeau for ruining the family name.

At the Executive Branch gate, Trudeau was seen offering hand-written apology coupons to anyone who made eye contact.

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Emmanuel Macron: Revolution by PowerPoint

Emmanuel Macron genuinely thinks the best way to handle a farmers’ rebellion is through an eight-step action plan involving baguette subsidies, artisanal cheese discussions, and tear gas.

While Executive Branch members are brokering power deals, Macron is brokering ceasefires between vegan protesters and police horses.

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Angela Merkel: Chancellor of the Shrug

Angela Merkel led the EU through every crisis with a leadership style best described as “persistent dithering.”

During the Executive Branch’s ribbon-cutting, Merkel reportedly tried to negotiate a middle-ground membership where she could join the cigar lounge but not endorse capitalism too loudly.

Denied. Firm handshake. Moving on.

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Joe Biden: Ice Cream Truck CEO

President Joe Biden‘s biggest accomplishment in the last six months?
Correctly identifying butter pecan as his favorite ice cream flavor — three times in a row without losing his train of thought.

Poll:
61% of Americans now believe that Biden’s day planner just says “Naptime” between every public event.

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Nancy Pelosi: Lifetime Achievement in Grandstanding

Nancy Pelosi’s career is one long interpretive dance of pretending to do things.

Her leadership style is less “decisive general” and more “stage mom desperate for a standing ovation.”

Pelosi reportedly applied for Executive Branch membership under “Performance Art,” but was rejected due to insufficient net worth and excessive Chardonnay consumption.

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New Additions: The Marxist Wing of Whining

As promised, three Marxist Americans who embody the absolute opposite of productivity — a lifestyle rich in complaint but bankrupt in results.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Instagram’s Greatest Marxist Export

AOC has managed to turn being a bartender, a backbencher, and an Instagrammer into a lucrative personal brand of productive-looking unproductivity.

At The Executive Branch, real estate moguls and tech founders shook hands. Outside, AOC shook a ring light and yelled “Workers of the World, Like and Subscribe!”

Statistical Fact: 93% of her legislative proposals have been retweets.

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Bernie Sanders: Vermont’s Grumpy Grandpa

Bernie Sanders could’ve been an economic thinker.
Instead, he’s the human equivalent of that old guy at Denny’s who keeps yelling at the waitress about “the proletariat” while ordering the senior discount.

At The Executive Branch’s open bar, Bernie was not invited — primarily because the club’s champagne flutes cost more than his average tax proposal allows.

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Shaun King: Professional Grievance Entrepreneur

Shaun King built an entire brand around social media outrage, mismanaged donations, and producing exactly zero legislation, businesses, or employment for anyone except himself.

He once said he’s a freedom fighter — mostly fighting for a better Wi-Fi signal at Brooklyn cafés.

Outside The Executive Branch, King attempted to organize a boycott rally but canceled it when Uber surge pricing got too high.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“If whining were productivity, the DNC would already have six IPOs.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Biden’s five-year plan is to finish a three-minute speech without getting lost.” — Ron White

“AOC says she’s building the future, but I’ve seen more construction at abandoned RadioShacks.” — Larry David

“If Bernie Sanders wrote a productivity manual, it would just say ‘seize an avocado toast and overthrow brunch.’” — Sarah Silverman

“Shaun King once started a fundraiser to build a statue of himself being oppressed by success.” — Amy Schumer

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Final Satirical Conclusion: Builders vs. Moaners, America’s Final Divide

At The Executive Branch, productivity isn’t just a buzzword — it’s the price of entry.
If you didn’t build a business, a movement, or a meaningful meme, you’re not on the guest list.

The winners of this new America don’t waste time in grievance circles.
They build rockets, companies, yachts, and occasionally satirical magazines just to remind the slackers who’s winning.

Meanwhile, the whiners gather outside, clutching artisanal tote bags and writing angry TikToks about “late-stage capitalism” — on phones made by the very capitalism they claim to hate.

Productivity wins.
Excuses don’t.

Auf Wiedersehen from Bohiney Magazine,
where jokes are sharp, facts are funnier, and the divide between winners and whiners has never been wider.

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Written 100% by human beings — a cowboy and a farmer, who got bored waiting for Marxists to launch even one functioning app.

What Trump’s Friends Have in Common: The Builders’ Creed

At The Executive Branch and beyond, Trump’s friends, allies, and fellow overachievers share a distinct DNA sequence — unofficially known as “Productivitis Maximus.”

Here’s what Trump’s friends all have in common:

• They Build Things: Companies, brands, apartment towers, memes, lawsuits — whatever it is, they produce results instead of bumper stickers.

• They Like Profit More Than Applause: They’d rather have a successful product than a “brave” retweet. They measure virtue in net worth, not hashtags.

• They Paid Attention in School (and Skipped the Gender Studies Electives):
  Most could spell “capital gains” before they could legally drink.

• They Take Risks: These are the types who would rather lose a billion dollars trying than win a participation trophy whining.

• They Move Fast: In Trump’s world, if you’re still waiting for a committee to finish its “Impact Assessment Study,” you’re already fired.

• They Understand Loyalty: Loyalty is earned, expected, and rewarded — not traded for political favors or sold out for MSNBC guest spots.

• They Work 80 Hours So They Can Mock the Guy Complaining About His 38-Hour Workweek: Productivity is a badge of honor, not a burden.

• They Own Their Failures (and Turn Them Into Lecture Fees):
  Failure isn’t a scarlet letter — it’s the first chapter of the success memoir they’ll sell at $29.99 on Amazon.

• They Get Rich While Everyone Else Gets Distracted:
  While the media hyperventilates over mean tweets, they quietly quadruple their portfolio.

• They Laugh at Cancel Culture While Buying the Entire Building Hosting the Protest:
  Protest all you want — your rent check clears either way.

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What Trump’s Enemies Have in Common: The Complainers’ Manifesto

Now let’s spin around to Trump’s enemies: a sad orchestra of moaners, Marxists, academic aristocrats, and professional grievance consultants.

Here’s what Trump’s enemies all have in common:

• They Confuse Complaining for Contribution:
  They believe that typing “late-stage capitalism is evil” on a $1,200 iPhone counts as activism.

• They Have a Master’s Degree in Theoretical Outrage:
  And a minor in Repackaging Failure as “Speaking Truth to Power.”

• They Hate Wealth (Unless It’s Booked Through Patreon):
  They rant about “billionaire oppression” while quietly funneling Super PAC money into their organic beard balm startup.

• They Can’t Build Anything (Except Committees to Study the Possibility of Building Something Someday):
  If given a hammer, they’d form a 12-person subcommittee to discuss its “colonialist implications.”

• They Need Constant Therapy Sessions to Process Losing Elections:
  Every loss is explained as “a trauma event.”
  Every rejection is “systemic oppression.”
  Every missed opportunity is “a social construct.”

• They Believe Emotions Are More Reliable Than Outcomes:
  Actual quote overheard from an AOC intern: “It’s not about results. It’s about how loudly you feel about the results you didn’t get.”

• They Preach Equality but Secretly Rank Each Other by Wokeness Points:
  Even among themselves, they create petty hierarchies based on how many causes you hashtagged that week.

• They Hate Meritocracy Because It Keeps Handing Promotions to People Who Deserve Them:
  In Trump’s world, results matter.
  In their world, intentions should come with a salary.

• They Celebrate Victimhood as a Lifestyle Brand:
  They proudly list grievances like achievements — as if surviving a harsh tweet is equivalent to surviving Normandy.

• They Think Building a Club Like The Executive Branch is “Exclusionary”… While They Exclude Anyone with a Mortgage:
  They call exclusivity “elitist” until it’s their TED Talk invite list.

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Final Satirical Verdict:

• Trump’s friends build skyscrapers, rockets, brands, movements, and dinner parties that could topple whole governments.

• Trump’s enemies build Slack channels, complaint forums, go-fund-me sob stories, and yet another nonprofit nobody asked for.

The Builders Own the Future.

The Complainers Own a Podcast No One Listens To.

Trump’s “Productivity Club”

 

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